Endurance

I got good time; I got worst time. I got lesson, I got memories. I got love, I got hate. I became wise, foolish, I got happiness, but I also got sorrows. I was smiling, but I was also crying. It was all at once, I felt it deeply. I got all this and yet I was back to a wounded soul.

I am ordinary, too ordinary that sometime, everything becomes a curse on me.

My existence is a crime, and my living is my punishment, the punishment of that sin which I have never done and still my soul bleed and the blood steadily, silently, disturbingly, slowly swallows me whole. I am not sad, nor depressed but what I am, I am painful in that version.

Today I am such a version that I never thought of being, I am so lazy, my thoughts are much louder that I feel dizzy because of them.

I spent a whole day without doing anything and then think that oh I did nothing, tomorrow, I’ll try.

I go to sleep because I need to wake up early, for my dreams, but how unlucky I am that for everyone sleep is comfort, but for me it is a task, because I force it, I struggle with it.

When I fall asleep then it is too late and when I wake up, a whisper whispers that you are too late, and again the same cycle starts and I am trying my hardest to break this cycle.

Inside I believe in me but somehow the condition is getting worse and it is out of my control.

Why does this hurt me so much, I ruminate, I suppress and then I myself get that pointless answer that I am used to it.

Yes, this is my pain, I have to go through.

Now a days, I’ve been feeling so empty, I’ve been questioning myself for all.

Why am I dreaming of a better life? Everything is going to finish. But I know death is reality, but death isn’t meaningless, I have a meaning to die even, accepting the worst reality of death, we start living the life.

Why am I getting the education where sometime, I feel it is just a burden on students, which is draining their creativity, but of course I am wrong, education is never worthless, indeed my thought is worthless.

I am not in hardships, but I am enduring because sometime enduring is not a choice, but it becomes only source to survive.

I really felt it when fydor Dostovisky wrote that:

It is better to be unhappy and to know the worst, then to be happy in this foolish paradise.

I am an unhappy girl and knowing the worst, realizing everything about pain, understanding about love deeply.

From outside we all may look mature with a philosopher’s mindset but inside we are just a child, lost in a delusion.

Today I may not be able to escape from those loud thoughts and laziness but life goes on and time goes on.

For a second I can’t stop time, today it is march, the third month of 2026, I predicted this year, to be the most achievable and productive year of my life. But life always tests us.

January appeared with a heavy heart and February appeared with loud thoughts and this march is opening with mental disturbance and with laziness.

What next, oh I am ready for it, but I can’t be like time, I am unstoppable, but I need to stop sometime because I am a human, I need some peace, some rest. Even if Medicines stop working, they need charging, so I am a human, I also get tired.

I have stopped watching motivational videos because, if I do something, then motivation comes inside you, but what I want is, only healing.

My soul need healing and peace.

Everyone is moving but I am still stuck here, I don’t know why, my silent tears have the loudest pain. When life chaos, I get no answers, so I freeze completely, no tears, no talk, no music, just only a whisper, that my pain is not worthless.

I can’t express but it is a vibe. I have a pure soul and sensitive heart, who only feels deeply, pain and suffering are always inevitable to the pure soul and deep hearts.

How many times you repeat that you’re wasting your time, you’re doing nothing, but it isn’t like this, everyday will teach you something, you don’t realize. You did too much on that day.

I know I did nothing, but I have suffered a lot and today I survived from that pain, indeed it’s enough.

Yet I’ve not achieved something great, but the rest of life is remaining, and I’ll still try.

I am coming, moving, loving and being better than yesterday,

It’s alright.

Not every time you shape life, sometime pain and life itself shape you to the best version of yourself.

please be happy