Sorry, I’m Not Doing a “Soft Era”

Gen X women are moving past anger — but I’m still happily embracing mine

Photo by KoolShooters via Pexels

Update 8/2/25: Since writing this piece, it has been pointed out to me that the term “soft era” comes from the term “soft girl era,” which was coined by Black feminists. You can read about that here (and please do).

I want to apologize for not doing more research on this term before using it here in a way that might come off as critical of Black women’s embracing of their soft girl era (which I am decidedly not). This article was solely my response to hearing other middle-aged white women talk about not wanting to be angry anymore so they could embrace their “soft era.”

I want to say so much more about this, but I don’t think that would be appropriate for an author’s note/update.

“I’m done being angry,” she said, ruffling her hair. “It’s just not worth it.”

“I don’t want to be in a low vibe,” another woman said in agreement. “I’m in middle age now. I just want love and light.”

“Hell yes,” said yet another. “Middle age is time for our soft era.”

I hear these sentiments often from middle aged women and frankly, it almost always shocks me. Not because I think they’re wrong (well, not entirely, at least), but for very different reasons.

For one thing, I’m shocked these women feel they’ve enjoyed a good “angry era.” I’m surprised they, as women in a patriarchy, felt that they had space to be angry and express that anger enough that they feel they can move forward in peace.

I’m also surprised at the way they characterize it — as if anger only comes into our life once, for a season, and then we mature and move on. Are they implying they don’t feel anger anymore, and that that is a natural progression of emotional maturity? Or are they implying that it will return, but they will just choose not to feel it? And is that a good thing?

Not only that, but there’s still a pervasive belief that anger is bad, negative (a.k.a. “low vibe”), and unspiritual. Although let’s be clear — only as it pertains to women experiencing and expressing it. We don’t attach moral implications to a man’s anger, yet even seasoned feminists will judge themselves as failing to bring their best self to the table when they experience anger.

Finally, I’m surprised because I can’t help but wonder if I’ll ever fit in with my generation. Because you know what? I’m not ringing in my “soft era.” I’m not done with anger.

I might be the only one, but here I am and I’m just getting started.

Women embracing their soft era seems to be trending right now. And I can’t say I’m not happy about that. God knows, we deserve some softness. We deserve to coast.

The problem with soft eras for women is that they don’t tend to benefit the women in them. A woman’s soft era usually benefits other people, instead.

Going with the flow and letting go of anger is absolutely guaranteed to bring softness to everyone around the woman who chooses to do those things. Talk about coasting — everyone in the near vicinity is going to be doing just that.

This might work out fine for a woman in her soft era. There are plenty of ways that this deal might be a good tradeoff at any given time in her life.

But let’s be very clear about the reality of this situation. A woman’s soft era is usually softer for everyone else than it is for her.

I learned this the hard way. I learned this because I’ve already had my soft era: a period of time that spanned from ages 12 to 45.

And that’s why there’s not a chance in hell I’m going to return to that anytime soon.

I consider this time my hard era, my angry era. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.

I don’t mean to say I’ve never been angry before, or didn’t have a few periods of intense anger over the years. I absolutely did. In fact, I was lucky enough to have left my abusive boyfriend at the age of 19 just as Alanis Morissette and Tori Amos were putting their feminist rage to music.

Being angry saved me from going back to him, a decision that likely would’ve been the last I’d ever make.

However, a woman isn’t allowed to be angry in this culture. Oh, how we hate that. It’s so unbecoming.

And so I kept trying to conform, to do what people told me would make me a good woman, a loving person, a kind citizen. I couldn’t be angry and still be perceived that way. As a woman, you can’t have both.

So other than the brief periods of time in which I indulged in anger, I stayed calm. Agreeable. Conflict-free. Smiling. Submissive.

Soft era.

Would you be surprised to know that every single time I committed to being a “better person,” every single time I turned my back on anger, every single time I promised myself I’d transcend my “negative emotions,” I’d experience a major betrayal. A boyfriend would cheat on me (again), a coworker would take credit for something I’d done, someone I trusted would take something I valued without asking.

What would I do? Smile, of course. Forgive. Move on. Soft era, remember?

No anger allowed.

This is why I won’t be embracing my soft era in middle age. I could say I don’t really believe in the concept of the “soft era,” but it’s more than that.

I don’t buy into this narrative that there are good emotions and bad emotions. I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with anger. I absolutely do not believe that morality or spirituality have anything to do with anger.

In fact, I believe anger is good. Anger is healthy. Anger is necessary.

Anger shows us where our boundaries need to be. Anger teaches us what will and will not work for us. Anger helps us define how we want to be treated and helps us create healthy spaces in relationships.

Anger even helps us fight back when something is very, very wrong.

An acquaintance recently said to me that she was committed to transcending anger in her life, in the hopes of “evolving” past it. She said she wants to be a more compassionate person.

All I could think was: Who said anger isn’t compassionate?

It’s a natural expression of compassion (for ourselves) to respond to abuse with anger. The anger we feel when we are treated poorly or purposefully harmed is 100% an act of compassion, leading us away from that situation and into a healthier space.

Or how about war crimes? How about the deliberate starvation of thousands of people by a government run by a power-hunger madman bent on removing an entire ethnicity from this planet? Is a response of anger “low vibe”…or totally reasonable? Are we failing to evolve spiritually by feeling this anger…or is our anger a function of our compassion, driving us to take right action?

Honestly, I’m sick of all the bad press anger gets. And even more frustrated when that bad press comes from women. We’re the ones who need to embrace our anger more than anyone, and yet even in middle age, we’re still talking ourselves out of it.

Look, I get it. At least, I kinda get it.

Many of us have been low-key angry for a long time, and in middle age, we have come to understand that the things we are angry about likely aren’t going to change.

Patriarchy and white supremacy are juggernauts with a speed and strength that bulldoze right over our anger. Sometimes, it feels pointless to do anything but give up on anger. The futility of it can be overwhelming and the cause of immense despair.

So if that’s why many women are going into their soft era, so be it. I support any attempt a woman makes to create more ease and peace in her life while navigating the nightmares of white supremacist patriarchy.

But I will not be joining in. I’m absolutely in my angry era, my hard era, my never again era, my not on my watch era, my go fuck yourself era.

My softness goes to me, first, and then to anyone who hasn’t yet proven they don’t deserve it.

My anger, on the other hand, is definitely for everyone. For the benefit of everyone, I should say. Because that’s what it’s for. Anger is a tool for peace, a voice for compassion, and an instrument of healthy relationships. It just depends on how you choose to express and use it.

Who knows? Maybe one day I’ll discover that my angry era was my soft era, after all.

© Y.L. Wolfe 2025

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Y.L. Wolfe is a writer and artist on a quest to wholeness in the transformative fires of middle age. You can find more of her work at ylwolfe.com.

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