Expectations = Sugar

Warning: Harsh language.

Photo by Toby Elliott on Unsplash

Maybe most of you here already know the benefits and effects of sugar. It pleases your taste buds, boosts your mood, increases dopamine, and makes everything taste better. But when too much of it builds up in your body, it can cause significant health problems.

Expectations are the same.

Sweet. Beautiful. Too good to be true. But when they get too high, they can make your whole body ache right up to the top of your head.

Maybe that’s why people always say that nothing should be excessive. Hope in moderation. The same goes for expectations.

Why do people love having expectations so much? Do you think you can see the future? Predict it? Who do you think you are? A psychic? An indigo child? Trained by a famous fortune teller? Do you really think you know that everything WILL HAPPEN exactly like that?

Ridiculous. You’re all idiots. Sorry for the harsh words. But honestly, if you still cling to expectations, you should slap yourself, smash your face into a wall, pull your own hair, wash your face, brush your teeth, and reflect on yourself. As the Indonesian artist Hindia once said.

Because truly, expectations are about things that are outside human control. Expectations come from inside your own head, but the outcome exists in reality. And you can’t control reality.

The depressed people I’ve known usually have reasons that aren’t very different from “expectations that never came true,” “reality that was too cruel,” or, once again, “expectations that were too high.”

I mean, if you already know your expectations are a thorn in your flesh, why do you keep glorifying them?

I’m not telling you to give up. Once again, I have to explain this over and over. Giving up and waking up are two different things. One is foolish; the other is awareness.

Giving up means you still have a tiny bit of hope that reality has crushed. You surrender because, once again, your expectations weren’t fulfilled. You idi-

That’s the poison in your mind that you’re still trying to hold onto. Are you a masochist?

I stopped having expectations back in 2018. Because I realized that expectations were slowly killing me. Do you know what expectations gave me? Fear. Self-blame. A quarter-life crisis. Depreshit. Feeling like the world was cruel. Thinking, “Maybe I should just end my life. What’s the point of continuing if it didn’t turn out the way I expected?” See? That’s truly a stupid mindset. You’re already stupid enough, then life keeps throwing situations at you that make you even more stupid. Already stupid, and somehow you become even stupider.

Sorry, I say “stupid” too much. But that’s really how it is.

You have control over what’s inside your own mind, yet you insist on holding onto something that looks sweet but is actually poison in your head. If that’s not stupid, then what is it? Even being delusional is still better than that.

I’m writing this because I realize that expectations are the root of all depression. For example, you want to study abroad. You want to get married young. You want people to like you. You want to always be included. You want to always be treated well. You want this, you want that. Once again, it’s all about desires. I’m not blaming your desires, but I do regret the excessive expectations you use as the foundation for believing that everything HAS TO happen exactly the way you want.

“I was supposed to be this.” “I was supposed to be that.” “I thought they would be like this.” “I hoped everything would turn out like that.”

It honestly makes me want to slap someone.

I can honestly say that I stopped letting expectations live inside my head a long time ago. Because what’s the point of having expectations when everything I have right now, at this very moment, deserves far more appreciation than my attempts to control reality?

And now I enjoy my life much more than I used to.

I like myself. I like what I do. I like my daily life. I like what I’m capable of doing. I like what makes me happy. I like what brings me peace. I like the things I can love. Rather than constantly thinking, “Why are they so cruel?” “Why do they treat people like that?” “Why do I live in an environment like this?”

It’s funny comparing who I am now with the person I was during my quarter-life crisis. It’s embarrassing. If I met my younger self, I’d probably want to pull her hair. But no. I’d hug her instead. I’d pat her on the head. I’d gently stroke her cheek. Because I’m grateful that my younger self woke up quickly. She didn’t drown in sadness and disappointment for too long. She got back up, built her own throne, and decorated her heart again. She made me the person I am today.

I’m proud of you, my girl. My ambitious little girl.

Oh, and that too. Wake up. Maybe “wake up” is the right word to replace all the razor-sharp words above.

Remember, awareness is different from giving up. It’s also different from “knowing your place.” “Knowing your place” is often just a personal excuse you create to cover up your hopelessness because you think you’re not good enough. Awareness, on the other hand, is when you realize that the value and qualities you possess have their own place to belong, or maybe this just isn’t that place.

In the end, the one who can heal you isn’t someone else. Not God. Not a psychologist. Not a spiritual healer. Not ChatGPT. It’s yourself.

Even if God wants to help you, it won’t be easy if you’re stubborn. But once you have that awareness, even a little support from God can send you soaring.

So stop blaming your circumstances. Stop blaming God. Stop blaming other people.

Your happiness is yours to manage.

Do I need to slap you first so you’ll finally wake up?