Don’t bite the hand that snatches you up

Do you like brain teasers? Alright, here’s one — and by God, please stay with me. I promise there’s a point to this. What do you do if you find snakes on your patio? Do you A) call animals services, B) placate yourself in your home, never to step out again, C) leave the house altogether or D) call the Health and Human Services Secretary?

If you’re Administrator of the U.S. Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services Dr. Mehmet Oz — which is itself its own stupid reality — the answer is clear: D, call Health and Human Services Secretary, aka Robert F. Kennedy (RFK) Jr.

Okay actually, here’s another way to open this post with.

How many idiots do you need to handle snakes on a house patio? In the United States these days, you only need two: one with the house, and one who lacks the humility to understand how utterly bonkers you look if you try to grab snakes with your hands. Whether you actually manage to do it or not doesn’t matter, you still look foolish.

Meet Administrator of the U.S. Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services Dr. Oz and Health and Human Services Secretary RFK Jr.

Ooooh ok ok this is fun, let’s try another one c’mon, c’mon.

Here you go. One of the non-drawbacks of having been fired and looking for work? You get an awful lot of time to waste of stupid nonsense like this.

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Look how gloriously dumb this all is. For those who are lost at home, this is a video of RFK Jr. going up to wild snakes on Dr. Oz’s patio at his Florida home and picking both up with his bare hands. (Seriously, this sentence alone should win a Pulitzer Prize.)

This is but the latest scandal in the scandalous life of formerly-respected-environmental-lawyer-turned-antivax-idiot RFK Jr. He’s the nephew of America’s 35th president, the scion of one of the most famous American names and families. He’s also, in the words of the immortal Logan Roy, a deeply unserious person. Long before the snakes there were the other controversies. The worm that ate part of his brain. The bear carcass he left in Central Park. His explicit diary that detailed RFK Jr.’s serial philandering, which his ex-wife discovered and which may have played a part in her suicide. His sexting scandal with a journalist as he was running for president during the 2024 election cycle. His totally heterosexual-sure-buddy workout sauna video with Kid Rock. His addiction — and here’s where we’re getting to the good stuff as it relates to his appointment as HHS Secretary — to heroin. His admission to having snorted cocaine off toilet seats. The antivax stuff you’ve heard about, as well as the stuff you haven’t (like what led to a measles outbreak in Samoa). His discounting of public health mandates during the COVID-19 pandemic. The debunked “vaccine causes autism” junk science.

Knowing all this and that ours is a cursed timeline, RFK Jr. really, truly was the most inspiring choice for a cabinet role whose responsibilities include, per Google, protecting public health, providing essential human services and administering major healthcare safety-net programs. Who else would you put in charge of advising POTUS on health and welfare policies and overseeing a $1.7-trillion behemoth that includes over 100 programs, but the guy who told you to inject ivermectin if you have covid?

In one important way, this controversy is different. Because we have a video. We have a video where we see this 72-year-old man dressed in a shirt and tie crouch down and wrangle the two snakes with his bare hands. He does it so confidently too, which tells us that this isn’t his first snake rodeo. Then, someone off-camera has the gall to ask RFK Jr. what species the snakes are. “Black snakes,” our deranged hero says before adding, “don’t bite me.”

Wish or threat? With RFK Jr., who’s to say? What a dunce.

If cruelty is the point of the Trump-as-POTUS mission, as well as its animating factor, our collective saving grace might be that at most every turn this mission is impeded by unreal stupidity. Maybe because only stupid folks could possibly want to join this administration.

Or let’s put it another way: only someone who would snatch two snakes with their bare hands would think it wise to sell their soul and principles to this POTUS.

Or perhaps the clown is the person appointing RFK Jr. as HHS Secretary in the first place. Who’s to say, there are so many clowns to choose from?

Actually, the real clowns are all of us, following along with no real recourse but to endure it all. Every circus needs its audience. We hope you enjoy the clown show.