Disclosing You Are Having A Herpes Outbreak While In A Sexual Relationship

For some people disclosing that they are having an outbreak when in a relationship can be just as nerve wracking as initially disclosing to a new partner. These notifications to your partner do not have to be super serious or something out of an informational pamphlet but can be personal to your relationship, funny or even silly. Just because herpes may seem scary or intimidating to talk about doesn’t mean that you can’t handle it with dry humor or personality. I throw a herpes plush toy at my partner to alert him of an outbreak. There are always ways to make this conversation easier and more approachable:

1. Come up with a cute code word to make it more comfortable sayings like “Aunt Flo is visiting” or “it’s that time of the month” is used for a person’s menstrual cycle come up with something similar for your herpes “Hector is on the loose this week” or “”My skin’s throwing a little tantrum.”, “My ____ is on museum rules this week you can look but cannot touch” or “It’s a red alert kind of week.” so your partner is aware of what is going on while not using awkward terminology or making you feel bad about it. Some couples even use memes, emojis or gifs to make their partner aware. A giant red circle emoji means I am having an outbreak or a gif of Gandalf saying “YOU SHALL NOT PASS”.
2. Tell your partner about your outbreak routine:

• Are you depressed or moody if you’re having an outbreak? Do you need time alone or to be pampered with your favorite snack or movie?
• Do you have painful or irritating outbreaks or are they more mild? Do you need medication and soothing baths or do you just ride it out?
• Do you feel more comfortable talking about it or would you rather have some privacy and for your partner to treat it as if nothing is going on besides a break from sex?

For each person the answers vary and they can change over time, it is important to discuss these together so that your partner can be there for you in the ways that benefit both of you as a couple. Some partners will ignore the outbreak entirely, feeling like that is how they would want to be treated in that situation when all you want is to be dote on and to feel extra love and support. Others may dote on you and make it a big deal so that they can show how supportive they are and that may trigger you into feeling bad about it or that your partner is freaked out or secretly annoyed at you for having an outbreak, being that is all they are talking about or focused on. Communication is key in any relationship and this is no different.

DO NOT MAKE THIS A NERVOUS CONFESSION OR APPROACH IT LIKE YOU ARE GUILTY OF SOMETHING.

You already did the hard part you initially disclosed, your partner is aware of your status, they knew what they were signing on for. There is no reason to feel guilty or less than because the thing you told them about is actually occurring. You are worth more than your body and what sexual favors you provide for someone regardless of your relationship status. Even with a hook up buddy they shouldn’t get angry or upset with you if you aren’t able to “perform for them for one week”. You are a human not a sex object and if a partner makes you feel badly for not being able to have sex for a short period of time especially due to a virus that you previously warned them was something that occasionally could happen GET OUT OF THERE. That person does not respect you as a human being and is only considering what you can physically provide for them.

DO NOT FEEL THAT YOU OWE THEM OR HAVE TO PERFORM OTHER ACTS FOR THEM TO “MAKE UP FOR BEING OUT OF COMMISSION”

Just because you cannot do certain things depending on where your outbreaks occur with your partner does not mean that you have to do others to make up for you not being fully available. For example if you have genital herpes do not feel that you have to perform oral sex to make your partner happy to make up for not having sex. Do not feel that you have to be overly nice or do crazy romantic stunts to make yourself worth love during your outbreak. Take care of yourself and any good partner should want to take care of you not guilt you into “being available to them”.