A Pattern of Grace

A journey seeking contentment

A decade ago, on 28 Apr 2016, I submitted my papers and started a new phase in life.

Here’s a glimpse of my discernment.

“I’ll never be a priest”, the 12-year-old boy said to himself when a nun encouraged him to be the first vocation from the parish. The boy didn’t know that she had planted a bamboo seed.

The seed took time to absorb the moisture until it was ready to put forth its first root.

A doubt crept in when I was 15: what if being a priest was my vocation?

Then began the process of asking God to show the way. At every milestone — 10th, 12th and graduation — I placed three options before God. No, not the first one. The last one was being a priest, which wasn’t even a consideration after graduation.

Source: Google Images

A pattern repeated every time. I would always get admission for the second option, followed by the first. I got what I desired most.

The conclusion: priesthood was not meant for me.

This method of discernment was my own invention, but it was an honest one.

With no priesthood in sight, I pursued pharmacy because I didn’t want to become either an engineer nor a doctor. And I loved it.

The twist came in 2010, at the end of first year of Master’s. I wanted to be a scientist, and here I was, beginning my research work, but something was missing: contentment.

Everything seemed meaningless. I attended a charismatic retreat, but there were no revelations and no clarity.

Then, on the last day, in a fraction of a second, my life flashed before me, and question arose deep within:

“I received the best of everything. What have I given to God?”

Being highly calculative and empirical in looking for signs, I made a deal with God — 5 years of work, decent bank balance — if that happened, then religious life.

And behold, I walked into my own trap!

2011 — recruited by GSK Vaccines. A miracle.

2012 — training assignment in Belgium.

My surprised classmate exclaimed, “You are going to Belgaum?”

“No dear — Belgium not Belgaum,” I replied condescendingly. Little did I know it was a prophecy.

I was on paid vacation for a year. Everything was at my disposal — travel, friends and so on. Who would think of religious life at such a time?

But the voice within kept reminding me about the deal. I kept asking for signs, and many were given.

Yet I kept pursuing my career — interviews, job selection — but I was never able to switch due to some circumstances. I found myself caught in the fish’s belly like Jonah.

In 2015, I gave a serious thought. Without much certainty, I decided to join Missionaries of Charity Fathers.

However, a diocesan priest friend, with deep conviction, told me to join the Jesuits. His reason — he admired the Jesuit formation, about which I will write eventually.

I took it as God’s will.

I dropped the bomb on my birthday. For the first time, my parents were in tears, and I couldn’t bear it.

“Why did you put me in a position to choose between my parents and You?” became my prayer.

Finally, I made up my mind.

Then came God’s offer — three choices again: continue with promotion, take the job at GSK Singapore, or choose religious life. The choice was mine.

But on the day I said goodbye to the life of security, I slept like a baby.

No, it wasn’t a sacrifice. I received what I longed for — contentment — in the Society of Jesus.

Why did it take so long?

Well, bamboo sapling takes years to grow its roots before it sends out its massive shoots.

When I was recruited, I told myself, “There’s something in me that they have seen, which I haven’t.” Those were the years of coming out of my inferiority complex and embracing myself. I needed time.

How I hate being called “late vocation”! You know why.

The prophecy? My novitiate was in Belgaum — a place I had least expected.

What’s the point?

God gives signs, provided you ask.

God persuades; never pressurises.

In my case, there was a pattern.

Have you experienced a pattern in your life?