Ah, Look At All The Lonely People

The epidemic of a generation and how to deal with it

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

Recently I spent an evening with a good friend with whom I’ve spent a fair bit of time over the years talking about the deeper things of life. The next night I had dinner with another good friend who I have a similar relationship with.

These friends are people I can share anything with and they can share anything with me. We’ve known each other for years and have been through similar life events, sometimes together. With one of them, we even wonder if we were separated at birth!

Over the last year or so, I’ve seen anew the benefits of deep human connection. As I mentioned in a recent article, for most of my adult life, I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety. I’ve been on medication, most of which has provided some relief. It has its side effects though, and I’ve always had the goal of one day going off my meds for good. I’ve just had doubts about the wisdom of that.

Johann Hari, in his book, *Lost Connections*, talks about his own struggle with depression. He was also on medication for years, and he says it had pretty much no effect. In his research for the book (a must-read if ever there was one!), he found that the best antidote for depression is human connection. I have found the same.

When I was in the US some years ago, I was with people from the time I woke up in the morning to the time I went to bed at night. And they were all good, salt of the earth people. I felt totally accepted, like I belonged, and I didn’t feel down for the whole month I was over there. I even reduced my antidepressant meds while I was there and I didn’t feel any worse.

A few months later, I went on a men’s retreat where I had a similar but even deeper experience. For the week I was there, I again felt completely accepted for who I am. It was amazing. I felt free to just be myself. No mask and no pretense. And I was able to enter my pain with other men doing the same in an environment where I felt completely safe.

I came away from that time feeling so much more healed. It was the most profound week I’ve experienced for many years. It touched something deep within me.

There’s nothing like healthy human connection to assuage the ache in our souls. It’s what we’re built for. I’ve just come back upstairs from the kitchen to continue writing this article. While I was down there, I made a few casual remarks as one of my housemates was elegantly playing the piano and another housemate was having his dinner. I smiled to myself as I savored the good feeling inside that is borne of rich fellowship with others.

But not everyone has that opportunity. I remember talking to an African friend years ago who remarked that when she moved to Australia, she couldn’t believe how many of us live alone. In many African cultures, community is just what they do.

In the West though, many of us choose to live alone and many have it forced upon them. Having both lived alone and with others, I would choose the latter any day. I can get lonely easily and just knowing that a housemate is even in his room, even if I’m not talking to him, helps.

Photo by Aida B on Unsplash

The ‘unfreedom’ of individualism

One of the main points that Hari makes in Lost Connections is that we’re the first society in human history to actively dismantle our tribes. Individualism is an epidemic in Western culture. My Dad used to say, “we’re living all wrong” as he lamented the stress and busyness and isolation we all live with.

Research says that we’re bombarded with up to 10,000 (that’s not a typo. It’s ten thousand) ads every day that tell us that freedom is found in things like being out in our car on the open road, alone, free from all responsibility, or that life could be a dream if only we won the lotto.

It’s literally killing us.

In 2018 the UK was the first country in the world to appoint a Minister for Loneliness. Research now shows that loneliness is up there amongst the leading health conditions in the Western world.

The words of Jesus 2,000 years ago have more relevance than ever in the 21st century. In a society where the economy is worshiped, we hear the counter that “what does it profit us if we gain the whole world yet lose our very selves?” (Mark 8:36). In a society where we’re slaves to economic growth, we hear the wisdom that life does not consist in the abundance of possessions (Luke 12:15).

When we know we’re accepted completely just for who we and not for what we do, we’ll start to feel like we belong. We won’t be so self-absorbed and we’ll be more free to love others and really find the life we’re looking for. The human heart is wired to both love and be loved.

When we find that in connection with others, we come closer to our True Self, the little child inside of us who’s always been there but who we’ve felt like we’ve had to cover up with a False Self to avoid rejection.

It takes entering into our pain to reveal our True Self. But it’s the greatest journey in the world because it frees us to love, and that’s the purpose of our lives.

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