Ma’am, Why Is Your Dog Pink?

Can we all agree that some people take canine couture a bit too far?

Image by Meg von Haartman for Unsplash, and this is one of the more reasonable looks. Jaysus.

Look, I like videos of pitties in jammies as much as the next person. There is something about watching those sweet land hippos cavorting across the room in pajamas with duckies on them that makes my heart sing. My heart does sing off-key, but hey, it’s an organ with no notable mouth. I watch these videos with wild abandon, and I know sometimes we anthropomorphize them, but c’mon, seeing a dog trying on booties for the first time is highly entertaining. It also keeps their little paws safe from hot roads or icy snow. My childhood dogs definitely got the shit end of that stick. They were real dogs, inclined to weather the, um, weather outside. We also had some badass barn cats who were tougher than Dirty Harry. Barn cats were a whole breed unto themselves, and I think I heard them whistling the theme to The Jets Song from West Side Story on several occasions.

What started today’s rant? I was headed to work a few days ago when I saw a pooch that was pink. The small animal was on the end of a lead with a relatively normal-looking person walking it, but the poor thing looked like it had been dipped in Pepto Bismol. If a dog could look embarrassed, this one definitely did. It got me thinking about all the ways we eff up perfectly good-looking dogs. Stay with me on this.

Ever watch a dog show?

There are certain breeds that stop looking like what they are, and the owners make it their business to groom the animal to within an inch of its already genetically shortened life, maybe because the handlers have to wear chronically ugly shoes. Yes. I believe some breeds are so screwed with, their lifespans are actually shorter. But back to my original point. I’ll give you an example.

The Shih Tzu — Give this dog a mud puddle to roll in immediately. When this little pouff of hair enters the ring, it’s hair/fur is cinched tighter than a Kathy Griffin facelift.

The Pekinese — Oh my gawd. I call this one “the tick”. That’s what this animal looks like, waddling along at the end of its tiny tether. It goes from a stubby but friendly looking pooch to a moving footstool.

The Bishon Frise — Did they add hair to this dog? It’s a pooping cotton ball.

The smaller the dog, the worse the coiff, but not always. The poor put upon poodle seems to be a favorite target for a fashion fad gone mad. When did some of these breed standards get so warped it makes the dogs look like someone dropped too much acid before getting the clippers out? It gets worse. Trends happen. Trends that include making your dog look less like a dog and more like, say, a zebra or giraffe. It’s called Competitive Dog Grooming, and it takes things a little out of hand. Why does one need their dog to look like a Disney cartoon? Don’t know what I’m talking about? https://www.fastcompany.com/3027906/the-deeply-weird-world-of-extreme-dog-grooming shows a few examples of this very disturbing art form.

Heading back to the Pepto Bismol pup, I guess she got lucky with only some dye. With a little luck, she’ll get drenched from one of our notorious Florida rainstorms., and go back to, um… normal?