Photo by Paul Hanaoka on Unsplash. Chaucer photobomb by the author, using public domain images.

Geoffrey Chaucer Returns With Tales for the Modern World

Featuring Karens, Uber drivers, and that guy who won’t stop calling about your extended warranty.

I never do this, but I’m going to quote myself.

“By nature, men love newfangledness.”

With that in mind, I, Geoffrey Chaucer, am excited to announce a new collection of tales built for the modern world. I have — annoyingly — been asked to write them in modern English to make them more accessible.

The following are just the teensiest morsels of what’s to come.

FRAGMENT 1: Tales of Service

The Barista’s Tale

A young man takes on an enormous amount of debt in order to pursue a piece of paper that will one day fail to launch him to a higher level of social status. Now, he must brew liquified desserts for caffeine-addicted nobles in yoga pants to pay back those debts. But this task is not without its obstacles.

The man must face all manner of challengers, including indecisive children, overeager Puppuccino consumers, and the most dreaded member of the social hierarchy — the Karen.

The Karen’s Tale

Naturally, the Karen does not respond well to the Barista’s Tale and offers her own microaggression-filled take on what is wrong with the world. The Karen is squarely situated in the middle of the social hierarchy but demands to be treated as if she were in the top 1% of humanity.

By the end of this “harrowing” tale, Karen thinks you are on her side. She claims that the service was horrendous after realizing her latte was 71 degrees Celsius instead of the 160 degrees Fahrenheit she demanded. She does not use the metric system because, “If Jesus didn’t use it, why should I?”

FRAGMENT 2: Tales of Love

The Ghosted’s Tale

An updated take on the perils of love, this man finally plucks up the courage to meet up in person with the woman he’s been courting via text. He regales his audience with an anxiety-inducing tale of picking a decent restaurant, finding parking, and an intense internal debate of whether to greet this potential lover with a hug or a handshake.

But the Ghosted need not worry about that last point. His date fails to show up and stops responding to all of his mobile communications. Instead of awkward small talk and an uncomfortable meal, the Ghosted will face looks of pity from other restaurant patrons and a free drink from a divorced bartender who gave up on love long ago.

The Ghoster’s Tale

A tale occurring two weeks after The Ghosted’s Tale, this woman lays out a series of unfortunate, yet oddly convenient events that prevented her from going on that very date. She recounts the horrors that she went through — her cat almost dying, her cousin’s nephew’s uncle being in the hospital, and a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to attend the relaunch of New Coke!

Her tale is designed to get The Ghosted back, and it just might succeed. Until they bump into someone she recognizes.

The F***boi’s Tale

The F***boi recognizes an unreliable narrator immediately, and he just can’t stomach it. This character closes our ghostly trilogy as he reveals The Ghoster was with him the night of The Ghosted’s date. They shared a passionate evening. Of course, by passionate, I mean she fawned over him while he was cold and distant, making her want him even more.

After their frivolous encounter, the F***boi disappeared without so much as a “You up?” and The Ghoster became the Ghosted, thus prompting her to reach out to her previously cast-aside romantic partner.

FRAGMENT 3: The Dedication Tale

The Automobile Extended Warranty Salesman’s Tale

He has been desperately trying to reach anyone about their car’s extended warranty. Yet the masses squarely reject him again and again. A tale of persistence and dedication, the Automobile Extended Warranty Salesman’s Tale will inspire you to weather any rejection and to fear answering any call from an unknown number. He will get a hold of someone, and he will earn that commission one way or another…no matter how many spam folders he must valiantly cleave through.

FRAGMENT 4: The Journey Tales

The Uber Driver’s Tale

A suburbanite moonlighting as an Uber driver in the nearest city, this man sees it all. He witnesses lovers’ quarrels, pretends not to hear shady business dealings, and he’s intimately familiar with how quickly the smell of alcohol-laced vomit will fill an enclosed space.

But like all Uber drivers, he has that one passenger who stands out as the most horrific. She gasped at every turn, constantly gave “better” directions than the GPS, got in a drunken fight with her mother on the phone, and upon arriving at her destination, looked at the driver with confusion and stated, “This isn’t my apartment.”

The Commuter’s Tale

Our final tale comes from the environmentally conscious commuter. They’ve given up their car in favor of fewer repair bills and a smaller carbon footprint. Now they spend their time boring their companions to tears with shocking tales of the bus.

The commuter has seen it all: fistfights, public urination, the Ghoster getting handsy with the F**boi, and even erotic Shrek* fan graffiti. They just want to get home, but they want your sympathy even more than the peace that comes from picking your nose in an enclosed space where everyone can still totally see you.

A Final Word From Chaucer

Upon finishing these tales, I see mankind has changed little in my absence — they just communicate via different means, most notably through an ex-songbird who also sells self-driving carriages. I do not wish to witness more of the same, so after publishing this, I think I would very much like to resume being dead.