WRITING|CREATIVE WRITING|REFLECTIONS

Birth Rights or Birth Wrongs?

Why bringing a new being into the world is rarely controversy-free

Here I am! Let the circus begin Photo by Alex Hockett on Unsplash

My two children were born in the water. In my son’s case, he was born in hospital but in a purposefully-designed pool. Three years after, my daughter was also born in a pool in the comfort of our council flat up on the fifteenth floor of a high-rise.

Why am I telling you all this? Because until my son was born and to a certain extent until my daughter came into this world, I had no idea how incendiary an issue parenting could be.

When my ex-wife was pregnant with our son and she suggested that we check with our local antenatal clinic and our midwife about water births, I had only been in London a few weeks. However, I trusted my other half completely and the idea of a baby floating in the water minutes after they had come out of mummy’s belly was a soothing one. Maybe because of the hospital environment the water birth did not raise many questions.

However, when we decided that our daughter’s birth would take place in our flat, there were a few question marks about it. Not from family members or friends — they trusted us — but from other parents. It was then that I realised that there were certain subjects in life that triggered off unexpected reactions in other people. Even people without children. Education was one. Parenting was the other. In the case of the latter this included pre-natal, post-natal, early years and everything else that came after.

I keep writing“parenting”, but in reality I should have written “mothering”, for it is women, sadly, who still bear the brunt of people’s demented reactions. I confess that just as my ex entered the final third of her second pregnancy, I had long talks with her about a Plan B, should the water birth go wrong.

Of course, we had a Plan B. We had two very experienced midwives (one of whom I still remember fondly, a no-nonsense Irish woman) and a supportive circle of family and friends. But I remember having troubling thoughts up until the day.

I guess I, too, was influenced by the scaremongering that went on about pregnancy and childbirth. Sometimes it felt as if people were afraid of women making “the wrong choice”, let alone making a choice to begin with.

Conception happens between two people — we’re still light-years away from human parthenogenesis — but for some reason it is the woman who ends up shouldering most of the responsibility. I do understand why some people might see it as a woman’s issue. Pregnancy takes place in a woman’s body and it is this body that feeds the foetus and keeps it healthy. Nevertheless, the language used in debates about childbirth is often too emotionally charged. The result is less a conversation and more a finger-pointing exercise.

One of the reasons for this is that human birth, to me at least, still holds us in thrall. I’ve often discussed this subject with other parents. I never cease to be amazed at the way nature carries on producing new human beings. However, I would be loath to elevate motherhood to some kind of Mother Teresa category with a halo around it.

It is what happens on a daily basis around the world. You get pregnant, the baby grows inside, you pop it out and you raise it together with whomever you want. Or on your own; it is your choice after all. The irony here is that parenthood has become more accessible nowadays with methods like IVF featuring prominently. But own up to having had a C-section in order to save the baby and you will still be dragged to the altar of Mother Teresa and questions will be asked. No wonder that many parents, mothers above all, become depressed following the birth of their children.

Looking back at those conversations with those parents I now realise that not one of them was being judgemental when they gave their opinions. Which in a way made me think that hopefully we were and still are moving towards a world that will be more accepting of pregnant women’s choices. A world in which the use of pain relief during labour or filling up a pool on the fifteenth floor of a high rise for a water birth will raise no eyebrows. At the end of the day what really matters is the human being we are bringing into this world and the people behind such a wonderful natural process.

You can buy me a coffee here.

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