Review-ish: Elric: The Stealer of Souls (Michael Moorcock)

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I had no intention of writing “reviews” for anything but the last Crescent City book for a while, but Elric is just such a failure of a man that I couldn’t resist. He is pathetic and horrendous, and I find that endearing.

I won’t be keeping the books, but after that opening, I must at least eulogize them properly.

[Poorly taken photos of the art included because some of this is gold]

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The Dreaming City:

I was not expecting Elric to be a villain. My bad for not reading the back cover blurb. Will I ever get context for why he’s destroying his home city, other than that he just really doesn’t like his cousin (not the sleeping female cousin he’s in love with — the other one)? And will I ever get context for why they’re all dreaming? Is this a Lovecraft thing?

The way that the dark magic is described (and all the other spooky bits) feels like if Lovecraft were to try to write sword & sorcery. Which is ironic, given that according to the Internet, Moorcock doesn’t even like Lovecraft. But he is not beating the Lovecraft allegations.

“Cymoril — I have slain you.” The language is definitely a ride. I haven’t read older fantasy in a while, and I forgot how silly it comes across when you’re not in the right mindset. Though, I think this would just read silly regardless these days.

Elric: “She told me I would lose her, and I lost her [shocked Pikachu].”

Did his sword really just sheathe itself in the ocean like Excalibur and shriek at the indignity of being tossed overboard? And then this twink jumps in like “I guess we’re fated to be together.”

His cousin had to die so that he can do terrible and unholy things with this blade. They don’t call it “chastity, drugs, and rock n’ roll,” amirite?

The sopping wet twink in question. I mean. Just look at him. He’s so into it.

Flawless ending, no notes.

—

While the Gods Laugh:

Did this series inspire The Witcher, by any chance? White-haired bad boy accidentally picking up a hot redhead in a tavern is hella Witcher-coded.

And he also made that comment earlier about eating the toxic plants to live.

Haunted by the ghosts of the past and this hot redhead of the present

“You are grief-haunted for reasons which are already legend.” Does the whole world know he was in love with the cousin he stabbed (the female one)? Or is this about the illicit sword-on-human(?) love affair?

“Since then I have courted no woman and desired none.” Really not beating the sword-love allegations.

“I should admit that I scream in my sleep sometimes and am often tortured by incommunicable self-loathing.” Yup, he’s a keeper.

Shaarilla: “I’m the wingless daughter of a dead necromancer (a cripple and an outcast).” Elric: immediately turned on Damn, she necromanced the hell out of this man’s sex drive.

Yes, Elric, the Dead God’s Book, stolen by the dark ones, will definitely contain the secret to the peace that you seek.

Shaarilla: “I can’t tell you why I need the Dead God’s Book, but I promise I won’t do anything weird or untoward with it.” Elric: “I see no issue with this.” smooch

“Elric brooded, recognizing the signs of doom but choosing to ignore them and communicate nothing to Shaarilla…” Good teamwork.

“They spoke little in the day and so saved their breath for the wild love-play of the night.” Michael Moorcock has such a way with words.

“I seek the comfort of a benign god… anything which will take me to it, warm me, protect me, tell me that there is order in the chaotic tumble of the universe…” You were born in the wrong era for that, my dude. But I bet you could make the big bucks selling people on the idea.

Elric: “The world is all chaos and evil!” Shaarilla: “Do you think you might be projecting a bit?” Elric: hisssss

“Without this devil-blade I carry I would not be a man at all.” Lost his virginity to the sword confirmed.

Shaarilla: “Somehow I lost a whole day of my life (and my map) and didn’t think you needed to know.” She and Elric are a match made in hell.

Elric: “I’m Elric of Melniboné, I.” Moonglum: “Whomst?”

Shaarilla: “We’re doomed!” Elric: “You’ve recognized the signs of doom 13 pages too late.”

“If you were thought deformed in your own land — [regrowing your wings] would seem important enough to you!” Well, if you kill all of your people, then maybe they won’t think you’re deformed.

Elric: asks the lord of the dead to call his zombie subjects home for dinner Moonglum: “You are on familiar terms with the strangest people, friend Elric.”

I actually really like Moorcock’s breakdown of Chaos and Law. “All things are possible” vs. “Without law, nothing material is possible.”

Elric — does it for truth. Shaarilla — does it for wings. Moonglum — does it for why the hell not?

“Since it is impracticable to return — we shall venture over the sea. The tunnel must’ve really gotten to him if the underground sea looks like the easy part.

Elric: “My sword doesn’t Excalibur itself in this water. (fearful)”

Elric really is the precursor for The Witcher. They’ve got the white-haired lead with his potions and cursed tools, the sexy redhead, and the comedic relief.

Moonglum: “So… What are we risking our lives for?” Elric: “The Dead God’s Book.” Moonglum: “That means nothing to me, but I’ll take a couple pages, please and thank you.”

Orunlu: “I can’t stop you.” Elric: “Oh thank the gods, finally a skippable fight.”

Moorcock likes “throbbing” and “pulsating” just as much as Lovecraft.

This is what you get for touching an ancient book without gloves, Elric. Disintegrating right before your eyes. Just like my dad always warned me would happen.

He tried.

And now scene jump to Elric sniffling from the slopes of a mountain. I think I forgot how to breathe. I hope Moorcock went for this juxtaposition on purpose, because otherwise I’m going to feel a bit bad for laughing as hard as I did.

“There is no salvation in this world — only malevolent doom. Goodbye.” I’m using this in place of ‘see ya’ from now on.

Moonglum is the true hero of the tale. Can’t take the secret book of secret knowledge? Just take the material wealth (gems) and run (read: adopt a pet (read: Elric)).

—

The Stealer of Souls:

In true D&D fashion, Elric picks up all his quests in taverns.

Yes, Pilarmo, how dare Nikorn of Ilmar run a more successful business than you. Leading his own caravans, even? For shame.

“Too much drove the imbiber mad, yet Elric had already quaffed great quantities and showed no ill effects.”

1. That’s just how normal alcohol works.
2. I beg to differ.

Elric, drinking the dreaming wine in the hopes of not dreaming. No ill effects, you say?

“‘Yishana, you are a bitch,’ Theleb K’aarna breathed foolishly…” “‘I love you,’ he repeated, and wondered why she ignored him.” I’m sure we’re all wondering.

Ah, it’s because she’s already tasted Elric’s wild love-making. And Theleb K’aarna leaves her dry as parchment.

Elric: “Sure I destroyed my people, but they’ll rally to me for the right price.” Moonglum, valuing his life: “Maybe let’s reconsider.” Elric, known emotional person: “It’s fine, we’re not an emotional people.”

“We will make contact with Dyvim Tvar and hope that what he did to the reaver fleet, coupled with the conscience-pangs which I have personally suffered, will serve to give him a properly objective attitude to my scheme.” I snickered at his “conscience-pangs.” That madness wine got him good.

Elric: “I had no choice but to kill my cousin, and really my sword did that, so if you think about it, I had no responsibility in the undoing of my kingdom whatsoever.” Spoken like a true D&D hero.

Dyvim Tvar: “One (1) of my men died because your dick is just that damn good, so let’s go kill the man who had it done instead of you, the man who killed many of my men!” Did Dyvin Tvar get into the madness wine as well?

“He was, basically, he felt, a man of peace. It was not his fault that his avaricious love for Yishana had turned him mad.” Keeping up with one’s sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll does not leave time for guilt or reflection.

If Quaolnargn can only see souls, Elric should be fine.

“Spoiler, reaver, and woman-slayer.” I was about to ask what exactly Elric has been doing between this chapter and the last to earn the title “woman-slayer,” but then I remembered. His cousin.

“Philosophically, he lowered himself down into the water and began to swim across it.” Can’t just lower himself into the water like an ordinary person.

Elric: “Every so often, women have their uses.” The woman in question: literally saved his life despite only liking his dick

Dyvim Tvar should know better than to claim that he has escaped Doom. Doom runs on everything these days.

Dyvim Tvar: “I think — no vitals were harmed.” immediately dies

“Dyvim Tvar, you and our countrymen have been avenged.” He died so you could kill this sorcerer for off-page reasons, so I’m not sure this counts as “avenged.”

“It sucked the lifeforce from the dying man and all the while its voice was soft and disgustingly sensuous.” How is Elric still unprepared for the nature of his sword?

“Elric sobbed. ‘Why is this curse upon me? Why?’” Well, the curse was off of you for all of a minute before you panicked and sent Moonglum to retrieve it.

“Many a word’s been broken through no fault of he who gave it.” I mean, Elric didn’t have to pillage the place. He could have just left after killing the sorcerer. That was a whole option. He didn’t have to draw his evil, vampiric sword, either.

Elric is the truest D&D precursor — everything goes horribly wrong, and it is never his fault.

—

Kings in Darkness:

What country in this world isn’t a “country of necromancy and rotting, ancient evil”?

“To sing of one’s own lack of size and absence of courage is not an action designed to ward off one’s enemies, Moonglum.” -Elric Like how you, Elric, tried to ward off a hot redhead by telling her about your night terrors and incommunicable self-loathing? That shit’s like catnip.

“We are nobles of older stock.” -Elric Read: Greedy, selfish bastards.

“…And this is Moonglum of Elwher; he has no conscience.” -Elric I love how Elric gets all the fancy titles like “Womanslayer,” while he feels like he needs to award Moonglum the concessionary “no conscience.”

“I seek no excuses, for I know what I am and I know what I have done.” -Elric That merchant you just murdered a chapter ago begs to differ. “…I killed — or my sword did.” There it is.

“And does Sir Moonglum go to doom with you?” Zarozinia, you can’t just ask them whether they go to doom together! That’s improper!

“…oblivious of Moonglum who polished away at his curved sword with wry jealousy.” Polishing his curved sword, you say? :)

“You would not love me if the blade did not give me what I need. I am like a spineless sea-thing without it.”

Behold! Elric! (Important Context: Those are its intestines — for more fun facts about sea cucumbers… True Facts: Sea Cucumbers)

“I am to be Elric’s wife.” Damn, that sea cucumber works fast. Something about spewing one’s intestines from one’s anus must really call to a lady’s heart.

“‘Enter strangers and be welcome,’ it said unwelcomingly.” Regardless of my feelings about the content of these stories, you will never catch me complaining about the prose.

In which Elric gives up his vampiric sword for more wholesome hobbies — drugs and sex (and rock ’n’ roll).

—

The Caravan of Forgotten Dreams (The Flame Bringers):

Excuse me but did Elric seriously leave Moonglum and their Adventures of Doom for some woman he banged for all of five minutes and then married??? What man read that last chapter and was like, “Yeah, this is publishable”? At least Elric is finally over his cousin I guess.

And he even hung up his beloved blade? Zarozinia must be an evil sorceress to have achieved that feat in so short a time!

Elric: “If I’ve never heard of the sorcery, it can’t possibly exist.”

Is Elric about to use his long-lost Melnibonéan secrets to call upon the Lord of the Cats to find the cat he misplaced?

“There are five hundred thousand of us and a few of them. Take them now!” Famous last words of Terarn Gashtek, probably

D&D could have had Meerclar if not for Moorcock’s publishers.

“He screamed: ‘No!’ Then he died.” Can’t keep an actually competent and not completely evil sorcerer around for too long. He might make Elric look bad.

Elric: “I got rid of my cursed blade at last!” Zarozinia: “oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit”

—

Dead God’s Homecoming:

“I must conclude that we are too closely linked now for less than death to separate us.” The moment Elric thinks doom is done with him, he’s going to chuck Stormbringer again. I guarantee it. The man doesn’t learn.

Sempai [Arioch] didn’t notice him.

I’m starting to think that every city and every bit of land is unbelievably awful, grotesque, and/or chaotic. There hasn’t been one single place described as equal to or better than “pretty okay.”

Funny how Dyvim Tvar has gone from “guy Elric sent raiders after and then brought down his whole kingdom” to “old friend” now that he’s dead and can’t complain. Dyvim Tvar, according to Elric: “Together we killed a guy who killed one (1) of my men, and now we’re best friends for life.”

“But their sorcery is less healthy than ever ours was. Our ancestors committed frightful deeds, yet it was natural to them. These newcomers, more human than we, have perverted their humanity whereas we never possessed it in the same degree.”

Elric is a joke to me.

It’s very convenient for Elric that none of the people who could kill him are destined to kill him. And that they respect his doom. Uncommon in villains.

Ironic that Elric yells at Orozn for betraying him right in front of Dyvim Slorm, whose father he betrayed (and then got killed).

“In fact, he decided, as he battled, a great mistake was about to be perpetrated…” Elric: “Guys, hold on, wait a minute. Didn’t you get the memo? You’re not supposed to kill me yet; it’s against the prophecy…. Arioch, tell them. Arioch? Arioch!?”

“And you [Dyvim Slorm] are Elric’s cousin. Together you represent the last of the pure line of Melniboné.” -Sepiriz Oh I get it now. They’re supposed to make beautiful babies together and rejuvenate the royal line.

“I am in a haste to claim vengeance.” -Elric With what army???

Impossible choice: the fate of all of existence vs. the girl Elric claimed as his wife five minutes after they first met.

“Elric Friendslayer?” When did he pick that one up?

“Elric, you have been duped! Somewhere you have been given a conscience.” -Darnizhaan Has he though?

“‘Limbo, Elric. Limbo!’” I’m reading this like, “Candy Mountain, Charlie~!”

—

Black Sword’s Brothers:

Elric, basically: “I swear on my life.” Jerned, basically: “First, prove you can die.”

Kargan, basically: “My brother (who you got killed) spoke well of you (before you got him killed), so I’m going to believe you over the rumors (of how you got him killed).”

“The healthy storm…” I’d ask what an unhealthy storm looks like, but we actually just had it. The mucus rain. The weather was just feeling a little under the weather. Blew its nose all over the party.

“I wish you a long life of revenge, friend.” I’ll need to remember this farewell, too.

“Arioch has always been an unhelpful demon.” -Moonglum Do all those times that he did help mean nothing to you guys??? How unfaithful. It’s not like he helps just anyone who shrieks his name while in mortal peril.

Elric: “Perversion is in our DNA. You merely adopted our ways. We are not the same.”

Jagreen Lern has a point. Elric never fights fair.

“All the longing and the loneliness within him seemed to well up and he knew that these lovely beings would claim him, protect him, care for him…” Elric has more chemistry with the Dukes of Hell than he ever had with his wife.

“Surely those creatures will not defeat the aristocracy of hell?” -Moonglum I was just thinking the same thing. It sure would be anticlimactic for the Dukes of Hell to die offscreen while Elric chases after this completely average baddie. Not that you can call most anything in this series climactic.

Oh, that’s even better. He throws his sword (and its surprise brothers!) at the problem and then blacks out.

“All his life he had hated the sword he relied on so much; which he was relying on more and more, but now he called for it as a lover calls for his betrothed.” It took him long enough. No five-minute engagement for this couple. I guess this makes Elric the damsel in distress. How… progressive?

“…the unholy vitality from the sword surging through him to fill him with a godlike ecstasy.” Hot.

Elric somehow has the time to monologue at Jagreen Lern but not the time to smack at him with a sword twice. It took me 16 seconds to read the passage out loud. If it takes Elric 8 whole seconds to swing his sword, I have to ask how he’s not dead yet. Though, this is pre-D&D. Monologuing is probably a free action.

Convenient that the evil man who has no practical use for Moonglum decided to, just barely, keep him alive for long enough for Elric to rescue him.

—

Sad Giant’s Shield:

“One man, one sword, one destiny?” I’ve been saying this the whole time.

How does Jagreen Lern keep pulling new supernatural allies out of his ass? I thought we had killed them all?

“I see your other mistress [Stormbringer] still shares your bed. And now you need never try to dismiss her again…” -Zarozinia Careful, Zarozinia. You might make Stormbringer jealous. And now that her one purpose has been served, she can disappear from the plot forever.

I think that maybe going into close-range battle with ships that have a proximity-based reality-warping effect might not have been one of Elric’s best ideas.

Elric: “I don’t have time for a quest to retrieve a shield that can protect me from Chaos! I have to do battle with Chaos!” Now that most of his fleet is liquid flesh, I guess he finally has time.

Elric: “Where did Kargan go?” Moonglum: “Uh… Were you not paying attention when you ran him through with Stormbringer???” You know what? It’s fine. I’d forgotten about him, too.

“If we are the toys of the gods — are not perhaps the gods themselves mere children?” — Elric “These questions are of no present importance.” — Straasha, resident god (adjacent)

“You, Rackhir, will be the fourth man in the prophecy.” — Elric You would already have a fourth man if you hadn’t sucked out his soul. For shame.

“Unlike others, he had fought all his life to assemble his thoughts and, if necessary, accept the chaotic nature of things, learn to live with it, but, except in moments of extreme personal crisis, had rarely managed to think coherently for any length of time.” Elric, Last King of Melniboné and Father of ADHD

Moonglum: “Haha I sure hope Elric and Dyvim Slorm aren’t about to kill me and feast upon my soul for breakfast haha.”

“Elric! Not my soul, too!” — famous last words of Rackhir the Red Archer, saviour of Tanelorn And right after Elric invited him to the prophecy, too. Raise your hand if you did not see this coming.

“Chaos was the indirect cause of your death.” Because Elric was the direct cause.

“If Mordaga had not surrounded himself with such a host, Rackhir would not have died.” — Moonglum Does Moonglum have a fancy title yet? I hereby dub thee Moonglum the Enabler.

Once again, Elric gets distracted right before finishing off Jagreen Lern. Father of ADHD, truly.

Zarozinia: “Elric, would you love me even if I were a worm?” [Important context, the question is not rhetorical.]

—

Doomed Lord’s Passing:

“Elric did not look directly at Donblas, for the sight of his beauty was disturbing.” The Justice Maker has Elric questioning his sexuality. To be clear, the issue isn’t that he’s a man. It’s that he’s Lawful.

“Go you then to the highest point on the ruined Tower of B’aal’nezbett in Imrryr and step off into space. You will not fall — unless what little power we retain on Earth fails us.” — Lord Donblas And as we all know, the gods have yet to let Elric down.

Captains of Chaos. Camp of Chaos. Sign of Chaos. You’d think Chaos would be a bit more creative. Guess they can only destroy (originality).

Should we not blow the horn again and invite Law to the party?

“…the soul-stuff of an animal was different from that of an intelligent protagonist.” How would you know? Have we met an intelligent protagonist?

I thought for sure that Elric would take a dragon’s soul to replenish his energy and then blow the horn at least one more time. Or have a companion blow it. But waiting until 1/3rd of the party is dead is fine, too.

Elric is about to stab Moonglum so that he can blow that damn horn, isn’t he. Should’ve stabbed the dragon.

At last, Elric and Stormbringer are one.

This is the face of ecstasy.

“Then Stormbringer’s shape began to change, writhing and curling above the body of the albino, finally to stand astraddle it.” Man and blade consummate their union at last.

“‘Farewell, friend. I was a thousand times more evil than thou!’” I snorted water out my nose. What a sendoff.

=================

I’m fundamentally opposed to fate-based fiction (unless fate is subverted), so I admit that I was biased against Elric from the beginning. I also thought that the short stories read like a checklist (part of this due to the aforementioned fate, part of it due to length requirements for magazine entries, presumably).

That said, Elric was a questionably enjoyable mix of contradictory disasters (namely Elric), and I liked that the Elric x Stormbringer ship was canon. The phrasing of some of the dialogue and narration was also top-tier. The characters had some of the worst takes I’ve seen in a while, but they were supposed to be horrible, so I can’t complain.

I’ve got two more of these books, somehow, so I guess I’ll be looking forward to whatever those entail.