I am a crossdresser, despite the difficulties (Part 1)

Yes! I am a crossdresser, despite the difficulties (Part 1)

Some time ago, I started writing about my journey as a crossdresser on a fetish-related social network. I thought it was a good place to write about it, but it’s only visible to people within that network. So I’ve decided to write it on this website, perhaps in a slightly different way, so that it can be accessible to other people, and especially to those who follow me on social media like Instagram, where I’m more active.

I would like to tell you a little bit about myself, about how I discovered my passion for crossdressing, and what drives me to continue practising it, despite the obstacles I have in my life to do so. It goes without saying that I am not good at telling stories, and I also believe that in this life of immediacy that we live, it is becoming increasingly difficult for us to read, but for me, telling this is therapeutic.

I don’t intend to give lessons or advice, just to express what I feel and think. I hope you like my story and that it helps you to get to know me better and feel that, if you are a crossdresser yourself, you are not alone in this complex and sometimes difficult world. So let’s get started.

I started out like most others, trying on my mother’s lingerie in her absence. I was about 14 or 15 years old when, for various reasons, I spent several hours alone at home. Since I was a child I had always been quite curious, the typical child who liked to snoop through the drawers of the house, so I opened my parents’ wardrobe and saw some pieces of my mother’s underwear (stockings, panties, bras, …) that caught my eye. I suppose it was because of the way they looked, the texture of the fabrics, the colours, and above all because they were forbidden garments for someone like me, I could never wear something like that. So I put them on and the sensation I experienced was one of immense pleasure and satisfaction, something difficult to explain, but also a feeling of guilt for behaving inappropriately. From that moment on I would repeat these experiences, although only from time to time, as I hardly ever had occasions when I could stay at home alone. I have to say that I was never caught, although I will never know if my mother suspected anything.

I am aware that there are many crossdressers (CDs) who are fully straight, and homosexuality does not necessarily go hand in hand with crossdressing. Now I think I’m bisexual to certain extent, but for many, many years, wearing lingerie sporadically didn’t make me question either my straight orientation or my male identity. Later I started dating girls, until I ended up in a stable heterosexual relationship. In parallel, occasionally and always on secret, I continued to wear stockings and panties in intimacy, and I started to try out how they would suit me by shaving my legs completely, with razors or depilatory cream. I found that I loved the feeling of hairless legs, and how good they looked with stockings, but shaving caused irritation, pimples, etc. I even tried an “Epilady”, until several years later I finally decided to have permanent hair removal, taking advantage of the fact that my partner is not one of those who likes men with body hair, and some discount vouchers from a beauty salon near my home. That was around 2014, and then I continued with other areas, at the advice of the girls at the hair removal centre (buttocks, bikini line, etc.).

Until approximately 2015, my crossdressing consisted of wearing stockings and panties in private, nothing more, but one day I decided to buy some dresses, bras and panties, some wigs and of course stockings. I created a CD profile on SnapChat and contacted other similar people, only virtually, not in person. I also met a person who would later become a sort of CD mentor, on a dating website. But oh dear, the guilt about my partner situation, and the fear of being found out, kicked in, so I decided to get rid of all those clothes, what is known as “purging”, and continue to wear only stockings occasionally. In the meantime, I continued with the laser hair removal sessions and had less and less body hair.

At that time, Xandra didn’t yet exist, at least not with that name. In fact, when I started cross-dressing more fully and girly, this mentor CD sometimes called me Rachel. The reason is that one day I told her that one of my favorite actresses, whom I’ve always found gorgeous, was Rachel McAdams (star of “The Notebook”). What a goddess! Who wouldn’t want to look like her? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rachel_McAdams