We’ve Been Calling Bare Minimum “Good Dads” for Too Long

I was scrolling through TikTok when I came across a stitched video of a man sitting in his car talking directly to the camera.

He said something along the lines of, “Ladies, don’t be upset with your husband if he doesn’t change diapers. You’re just better at it.”

Photo by Towfiqu barbhuiya on Unsplash.

Or something equally ridiculous.

I rolled my eyes so hard I thought they might get stuck.

That shit annoyed me.

Not because it was new, but because it reminded me of both of my ex-husbands.

My first husband hated changing diapers. Every single time one of our kids needed changing, there was a comment about how gross it was or how he couldn’t handle the smell.

My least favorite routine was when he would suddenly become “nauseous.”

He would leave one of my babies lying there, bare-assed and half wiped, then disappear into the bathroom while gagging dramatically until I came in and finished changing the diaper myself.

He was their biological father.

Yet somehow changing his own children’s diapers was beneath him.

I get annoyed thinking about it now. Smh.

My second ex-husband wasn’t much different.

When we first got together, he talked constantly about wanting a family. He loved the idea of being a husband and a father.

Conveniently, my children were already potty trained by then.

Because, as it turned out, he didn’t like changing diapers either.

Imagine that.

Looking back, both of my marriages had something in common.

They were filled with bare minimum husbands.

And unfortunately, there are still far too many women living that same reality.

Because what do you mean you wanted children, but don’t actually want to care for them?

Changing diapers.

Bath time.

Middle of the night feedings.

Doctor appointments.

Packing diaper bags.

Cleaning up vomit.

Comforting a crying toddler.

Those things are parenting.

They’re not “mom jobs.”

They’re not optional.

They’re certainly not fucking favors.

They’re simply part of raising the tiny human you helped create.

What always fascinated me was how society rewarded fathers for doing the absolute bare minimum.

I remember going to happy hour with coworkers after work while my first husband stayed home with our kids.

Without fail, one of my female coworkers would smile and say, “Oh, that’s so nice. He’s babysitting.”

No.

He wasn’t babysitting.

He was parenting.

I always corrected them.

“Well…he’s their father.”

The reactions were almost worse from some of the men I worked with.

They’d tell me they couldn’t do it.

They wouldn’t know how.

As if taking care of their own children was some impossible task reserved for women.

I remember thinking how strange that sounded.

No one congratulates mothers for watching their own children.

Of course not! Could you imagine someone saying?

“Wow, your husband let you babysit today?”

Because everyone understands that mothers are expected to parent.

Somehow fathers get applause for existing in the same room as their children.

The bar has always been on the upper mantle.

Now it somehow feels even lower.

That’s why that video irritated me so much.

Because it wasn’t just one man’s opinion.

It was another reminder that patriarchy has spent generations convincing men they’re incompetent at caregiving while simultaneously convincing women they’re naturally better at it.

No.

Women are not born knowing how to change diapers.

We’re not genetically programmed to soothe crying babies.

We learn.

Usually because no one else steps in.

Competence comes from practice.

Not chromosomes.

That kind of messaging also hurts men.

It tells fathers they don’t need to learn, don’t need to participate, and that their contribution ends with earning a paycheck or showing up for discipline.

It robs them of the opportunity to build confidence and connection with their own children.

More importantly, it robs children of fully engaged fathers.

And then social media packages these outdated ideas into thirty-second clips and calls it relationship advice.

It’s not advice.

It’s an excuse.

The diaper isn’t really about the diaper.

It’s about emotional labor of all of it.

It’s about unequal expectations.

It’s about the invisible work that so many women have carried for generations while being told they’re simply “better at it.”

Photo by Trung Nhan Tran on Unsplash.

No.

They’ve just been expected to do it.

There is a difference.

Seeing that video reminded me how little has actually changed.

If anything, we’ve watched these attitudes get rebranded through red pill influencers, trad wife content, and the “traditional values for thee but never for me” crowd.

The language has changed.

The algorithms have changed.

The misogyny sure as hell hasn’t.

We’ve simply given it better lighting and a podcast microphone.