Guest Folios for Presidents 1789–1861

The Executive Inn keeps its receipts

Photo by Andrea Piaquadio Pexels

Please note that management assumes zero liability for the ongoing situation in Rooms 14–16.

George Washington (Penthouse Suite, self-assigned): Forcibly evicted after eight years. Still receives mail. Payment: Continental currency, regretfully accepted.

John Adams (Room 2): Complained about the bed, the other guests, the staff, and the conceptual framework of the building. Payment: Bank draft, cleared on the second attempt.

Thomas Jefferson (Room 3): Within 48 hours, submitted revised blueprints for the entire property and declared the minibar a natural right. Payment: French francs, exchange rate “a matter of interpretation.”

James Madison (Room 4): Left the back door unlocked. Complimentary breakfast suspended due to British activity. Submitted extensive prior correspondence justifying the room’s floor plan; staff still consult it. Payment: IOUs. Do not ask.

James Monroe (Room 5): Outlawed loitering by the neighbors. Declared an “Era of Good Feelings.” Housekeeping found boundary disputes behind the dresser. Payment: Standard billing, deferred.

John Quincy Adams (Room 6): Refused to socialize. Accused Room 7 of a “corrupt bargain” with the night auditor. Payment: Calculated to the exact penny.

Andrew Jackson (Room 7): Vetoed the no-smoking policy. Vetoed the invoice. Paid anyway, in cash, while maintaining eye contact. Payment: Accepted without comment.

Martin Van Buren (Room 8): Inherited a bankrupt front desk. Spent his stay explaining the empty vending machines. Payment: Highly depreciated paper notes.

William Henry Harrison (Room 9): Refused to wear a coat in a downpour. Gave a very long speech about it. Checked out via medical emergency. Payment: Prepaid. Refund denied with regret.

John Tyler (Room 10): Booked as Room 9’s plus-one. Room 9 was vacated almost immediately. Claimed he’d always had his own reservation. Payment: Sent a counter-invoice. We owe him eleven dollars.

James K. Polk (Room 11): Reserved a single room. Checked out three properties and a coastline. Claimed it was his “Manifest Destiny.” Payment: Expansion package. Neighbors were not consulted.

Rooms 12 and 13: Records unavailable. Housekeeping has refused to enter.

Franklin Pierce (Room 14): Approved the indoor fireworks package and the deferred consequences add-on. Payment: Billed to future guests. Future guests are furious.

James Buchanan (Room 15): Confirmed in writing that the property appeared to be on fire. Found no applicable procedure. Monitored closely through checkout. Payment: Balance transferred to Room 16.

Abraham Lincoln (Room 16): Advised management that a house divided cannot stand. The house was, at that time, fully engulfed. Payment: Greenbacks. Remaining balance deferred to Reconstruction.