Drumpf Claims World Series Stolen

Demands regular season be replayed so real Americans can contend

(Photo credits: Keith Allison, All Pro Reals)

THE MINUTE FORMER/CURRENT/SOON-TO-BE-FOREVER PRESIDENT Donald Drumpf learned the LA Dodgers would face the Toronto Blue Jays in the World Series, he demanded that Pam Bondi and the Department of Justice investigate Major League Baseball. The President made it clear he wants the entire season to be replayed under DOJ supervision to make sure “honest Americans represent America and not foreign conspirators.”

“This is the most AUNTYIAMERICAN WORLD SERIES EVER,” Drumpf posted on Truth Social. “It was rigged from the start. According to the DOJ, the major leagues STACKED THE PLAYOFFS with teams from liberal cities filled with immigrants, criminals, and people from shit hole countries. SEATTLE, CHICAGO, LOS ANGELES, NEW YORK, DETROIT, TORONTO. Might as well have let PORTLAND in. If the courts had let me send in the troops like I asked, these teams would have NEVER MADE IT TO THE PLAYOFFS.”

According to Drumpf two teams from liberal California were selected, squeezing out American teams from red states like Florida, Texas, and Arizona. “Clearly there was something off with the selection process,” he claimed. “Liberal cities can’t beat All-American patriot teams.”

”The major leagues STACKED THE PLAYOFFS with teams from liberal cities filled with immigrants, criminals, and people from shit hole countries. SEATTLE, CHICAGO, LOS ANGELES, NEW YORK, DETROIT, TORONTO. Might as well have let PORTLAND in.”

When asked about Cleveland and Cincinnati, the two red state teams from Ohio who qualified for the Wild Card game, officials at the White House claimed they were only included to hide the process. “Without two token red state teams, people would have known the major leagues are controlled by liberal special interests like George Soros.”

Bondi told reporters Monday morning, “We know for a fact that the LA Dodgers players are connected to criminal immigrant gangs, including MS-13, Tren de Aragua, and the Yakuza. The Toronto team isn’t even American. Do we really want to let foreign interests control America’s greatest game?”

Drumpf made it clear today that he would not be attending any of the World Series games. “He has more important things to do,” said B.J. Kizzazz, key Drumpf advisor. “To consort with foreign agents while ending wars across the globe would destroy his credibility as a leader, peacemaker, and deal maker.”

MLB representatives say they have no intention of replaying the season. According to commissioner Ron Manfred, “Including the playoffs, that’s 2500 games involving 1200 players and 76 full-time umpires. It’s hard to organize that big a conspiracy, especially for people who majored in PE. Nobody complained the results were rigged when Texas played Arizona two years ago. Or when Kansas City won or the Florida Marlins. Those states are about as red as you can get.”

“We know for a fact that the LA Dodgers players are connected to criminal immigrant gangs, including MS-13, Tren de Aragua, and the Yakuza. The Toronto team isn’t even American. Do we really want to let foreign interests control America’s greatest game?”

Despite Manfred’s claims, Bondi and DOJ investigators insist the major leagues show a clear bias for liberal cities, pointing out championships by liberal icons such as San Francisco, Los Angeles, New York, Washington, and Boston. “And don’t forget Philadelphia,” Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt told reporters in Monday’s briefing, a briefing to a mostly empty room since only three news organizations are allowed access to the White House. “Philadelphia won the Super Bowl. That’s two blue Democrat cities and a foreign country in one year.”

Homeland Security secretary Kristi Noem admitted ICE will deploy most of its personnel and the California National Guard to “make sure any illegal terrorists are deported and not playing or watching an American sport on American soil.” She added, “These Canadian, Japanese, and South American immigrants are taking jobs from real American athletes. The Canadians have stolen an entire team from American athletes. The only thing worse would be the presence of transgender men competing with disadvantaged real male athletes. Testosterone on the field should come from testicles, not a lab.”

“The only thing worse than foreign players would be the presence of transgender men competing with disadvantaged real male athletes. Testosterone on the field should come from testicles, not a lab.””

Inside sources for the Dodgers and Blue Jays confirm they have not extended an invitation for Drumpf to attend any World Series games. Canadian officials say Drumpf would most likely be turned away at the border as a threat to Canadian security, well-being, and their continued characteristic kindness toward strangers.

House Republicans are considering a bill banning foreign participation in the World Series, but since they are unlikely to convene while the government is shut down, the Series will be over before they bring it to a vote. Speaker Mike Johnson told reporters, “Right now, Congress’ hands are tied, but if President Drumpf successfully resolves the conflict, he should be nominated for a Nobel Prize. In fact, he should win 20 of them next year for all his work bringing peace to the world and world of sports.”

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