People Don’t Hear Your Words — They Feel Them

The subtle psychology behind tone, intention, and hidden meaning in everyday language

We like to think of words as simple tools — neutral, functional, straightforward.

But they’re not. As I mention in my previous article here.

Words carry something invisible. A tone. A weight. An imprint of the state in which they were spoken. And whether we realise it or not, people feel that long before they analyse what we’ve actually said.

As the renowned poet and activist Maya Angelou famously noted:

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

You’ve probably experienced this.

Someone tells you “I’m fine”, but it doesn’t land as fine.

A compliment can feel slightly off — your gut instinct can read between the lines.

An apology that sounds correct — but feels empty and insincere.

The words might be right — on the surface.

But the energy isn’t.

Language doesn’t begin when we speak. It begins much earlier — within the body, the nervous system, the quiet undercurrent of thought and feeling.

Words Are Carriers, Not Just Containers

We often treat words as containers of immediate information, but they’re also carriers of meaning and of emotional charge. As the saying goes: It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.

Psychologists often point to the “7–38–55 Rule” (derived from the work of Albert Mehrabian), which suggests that a staggering amount of our communication is conveyed through non-verbal cues and tone rather than the literal dictionary definition of the words used.

This psychology framework shows that communication of feelings and attitudes relies 7% on words, 38% on tone of voice, and 55% on body language. This rule highlights that non-verbal cues (tone and body language) are more crucial for conveying emotions than the actual words spoken. If your tone is overtly or covertly nasty, this will flavour your words as judgemental barbs, our intuition in our bodies will feel that in our gut, which signals to the brain “this person feels untrustworthy, I’m not opening up to them”.

Say this sentence out loud in two different ways, one in an empathic tone, one in a harsher or cold tone. Consider how they are delivered and received by an individual.

“I understand.” “I understand.”

One feels open. The other feels dismissive.

What changed? Not the words but the energy behind them.

When we speak, we transmit more than words. We reveal our presence — our tension or ease, our sincerity or hypocrisy, our diplomacy or agenda. People sense this instinctively.

That’s why some people can say very little and have a calm wisdom about them — and others feel they can trust them deeply. When they do speak, their words are grounded in sincerity and backed by positive action. Others, however, say too much — gossiping or speaking without care — and over time, trust erodes.

It also explains why some people say all the “right” things on the surface, yet still feel difficult to connect with. Something in us detects a mismatch — a subtle warning that what’s being said isn’t fully aligned with what’s beneath.

So, while it’s important to be open, it’s equally important to be discerning.

The Psychology Behind It: We Read Intention, Not Just Language

Humans are constantly scanning for congruence.

We’re not just listening to what is being said — we’re reading tone, facial expression, timing, and subtle cues in delivery. This is sometimes called “thin slicing”: the ability to make quick, intuitive judgements based on very small pieces of information.

When words and intention don’t match, something can feel off.

Take a backhanded compliment:

“You look good….considering you still have that baby weight.”

Or “I know you don’t eat enough beef at home… don’t worry, I’ll make sure you are well-fed.” This remark, aimed at a friend by a relative, is a masterclass in passive-aggressive triangulation. By implying he was being neglected, the relative used the guise of “care” to weaponize a grown man’s diet, framing it as a competitive arena for caretaking. In a single sentence, she managed to belittle the partner’s capabilities as a nurturer while simultaneously inflating her own sense of indispensability and importance.

The sentence performs care while implying deficiency — an example of how criticism can be smuggled inside the wrapping of ‘care’.

On the surface, these comments appear positive. But underneath, there’s judgement. Comparison. Competition. A quiet sting.

Now compare that to a sincere and empathic compliment:

“You are looking great! You seem more at ease, how are you feeling?”

“I’m so glad you’re visiting! I’m looking forward to cooking everyone’s favourite meals!” — Notice the inclusion of everyone, rather than singling out someone to belittle their significant other’s perceived failings.

The difference isn’t just phrasing. It’s intention.

The first two are layered with evaluation. The sincere comments are rooted in compassion and presence.

And people can feel that difference immediately.

Polite Words, Hidden Barbs

Not all criticism sounds critical.

Sometimes it arrives softened, dressed in politeness:

“I know you like your hair red…but I prefer it brown.”

“I know you like to dance…but your paintings are better.”

Nothing overtly harsh has been said. In fact, the sentences begin with acknowledgement.

But underneath, there’s something more subtle at play.

These kinds of comments often carry a covert intention — a hidden layer beneath the surface of seemingly considerate words. Outwardly, they may sound helpful or thoughtful, but underneath, they introduce evaluation, comparison, or quiet correction.

As Dr. Harriet Braiker, a clinical psychologist and expert on social influence, observed:

“The manipulator’s mask of ‘caring’ is often the most effective tool for control.”

When repeated over time, these comments can slowly erode an individual’s autonomy, foster self-doubt, and create a dependence on external approval. This makes the perpetrator’s actions an insidious form of passive aggression, subtle manipulation and fake kindness.

An implied message begins to form:

Your preference is noted — but mine matters more.

This part of you is acceptable — but that part is less so.

Your autonomy is wrong — I know better, and I’m entitled to tell you what I think is right for you.

This captures the progression from subtle comparison to eventual overt control, highlighting the sense of superiority the perpetrator assumes.

And people feel these barbs in their gut instinct.

Even if they can’t immediately explain why, there’s often a slight contraction in the body. A pause. A sense of being subtly repositioned.

These barbs are so cleverly wrapped in a bow of sweetness, it makes the recipient wonder “am I just being sensitive?” or “that felt off and I can’t quite explain why.”

When Politeness Masks Control: Negging

In some cases, this pattern goes a step further into what’s often called Negging — a form of communication where a compliment is paired with a subtle put-down.

Its usually understated. Plausibly deniable. Flies under the radar. And it frequently leaves the recipient questioning themselves and doubting if they heard things right.

Examples include:

• “You did a great job…for someone with your experience.”
• “I’m impressed that you managed that.”
• “that’s a nice dress — — kind of casual though”
• “You look lovely today…even though you’ve put on weight.”
• “You’re smart, hilarious, but kind of needy sometimes.”
• “You’d be perfect if you straightened your hair.”
• “That dress looks good, less drab than your other one.”
• “You look nice, that style frames your big nose better.”

On the surface, these can pass as praise.

But underneath, they introduce doubt and insecurity. They create small imbalances in someone’s sense of self worth. Where approval feels conditional and confidence is quietly undermined.

Negging isn’t always intentional or manipulative. Sometimes its habitual, learned and unconscious.

But the impact is similar:

It destabilises slightly and causes insecurity.

It shifts power dynamics. The one negging is in control of your worth and even sense of reality with their underhanded verbal darts.

Jokes That Aren’t Really Jokes

Sometimes, the barbs come dressed as humour. A comment is made at someone else’s expense, and when the individual reacts, the perpetrator says “I’m only joking!”

Examples include:

• “Nice outfit… did you raid your grandma’s closet? Haha only messing!”
• “Trying to dance like that? That’s brave — haha, just kidding!”
• “New glasses? Makes your eyes look like they’re in fish bowls — Only Jestin! Lighten up!”
• “Waiter, can you put the leftovers in the doggie bag for the dog over there….I’m not really calling you a dog, it’s a joke, can’t you take a joke?”

On the surface, these remarks are framed as jokes. But underneath they shoot barbs at someone’s appearance and autonomy.

They undermine confidence, test boundaries and assert subtle control over social dynamics. Saying “I’m only joking” is a mask, allowing them to get away with it.

It is a form of defence, allowing the speaker to claim innocence while maintaining the impact of the sting.

Recognizing this pattern is key to understanding covert criticism — whether it comes as a “compliment”, a “question” or a “joke”. In each case, the agenda behind the words matters far more than the words themselves. This behaviour is damaging and a form of covert bullying.

Praise by Comparison: A Cruel Subtlety

One of the most psychologically potent — and frequently overlooked — ways to undermine someone is through “praise by comparison.” This tactic falls under the umbrella of backhanded compliments, where a perpetrator overtly uplifts one person in a grandiose manner while offering the victim only mediocre scraps of acknowledgement. It is the emotional equivalent of handing one person a feast and the other a handful of crumbs. If confronted, the perpetrator relies on plausible deniability: “I was just being nice; I gave a compliment, didn’t I?” This creates a toxic vacuum of comparison, leaving the victim feeling profound inadequacy under the guise of “care” and it excuses the perpetrator of their actions because people (especially enablers) can’t see the power imbalance.

For example:

• “Cath works in a prestigious department, she’s doing amazingly… your little drawings are nice, but I prefer your songs.”
• “Sandra has just been given a promotion, she’s really good friends with the CEO who lives in a castle!….Becky your erm…pigtails look nice.”
• “I love how Sarah handled that project; you… did your best too, I guess.”
• “Emma’s presentation really impressed the team. Yours had some good points as well.”
• “You’re learning that? Is that useful?! My son is training in first aid, I’m so proud!”
• “My grandchildren eat all kinds of food because my son and his wife are good parents…you’re really picky with food, it’s probably your upbringing.”

On the surface, it may look like polite recognition. But the effect is often:

• Creating comparison and self-doubt
• Positions the speaker as supreme judge
• Masking cruelty as neutrality or “I’m just having an opinion”

This pattern is often more painful than direct criticism because the attack is layered in covert passive-aggression. It subtly signals to the victim: You are being measured, and you have failed, all while the speaker overtly celebrates a third party. This is a form of calculated gaslighting; the perpetrator hides behind a ‘shield of nicety,’ making it nearly impossible for the victim to speak up without appearing ‘too sensitive.’ By weaponizing these performative kindnesses, the speaker ensures the victim is left alone to feel the sting, unable to call out the behavior because, to the outside world, the perpetrator appears perfectly supportive.

When combined with negging, disguised jokes, or intrusive questioning, these tactics form a complex web of covert evaluation. This environment fundamentally reshapes how the recipient perceives their own worth in relation to others. Such corrosive communication systematically erodes self-confidence, breeding a toxic cycle of resentment and an obsessive need for validation. Ultimately, this ‘approval-seeking’ becomes a tool for control, potentially driving the victim into a state of psychological obedience to the perpetrator.

Questions That Critique, Advice That Undermines

Not all questions are neutral. Some are framed as curiosity, caring or guidance, but carry an underlying critique or attempt to sway decisions.

For example:

• “You want to go there for your birthday? Are you sure? I think you’d have more fun going somewhere else.”
• “A cat? Really? That’s a lot of responsibility — you might regret it.”
• “You want an allotment? Good luck; I know you’ll be on the waiting list for years.”
• “You’re thinking of visiting that city? Hmm… with all the strikes and delays, you won’t make it, I suggest you go there instead.”
• “you’re trying to have a baby? I don’t think that’s a good idea, you should wait until your 40’s like I did.”
• “Why are you wearing that dress to the beach? I think you should wear a T-shirt and shorts!”

Questioning another’s life choices and interjecting unsolicited advice is, frankly, an act of social aggression and a violation of personal sovereignty. This is especially true when it concerns a person’s private, intimate life — a domain that should never be casually or nonchalantly debated by outsiders. It is an individual’s absolute prerogative to decide what they share and with whom. Privacy is a right, not a suggestion; to bypass that consent is to ignore the fundamental boundaries of respect and treat another person’s private reality as a subject for public evaluation. When the perpetrator offers ‘guidance’ that hasn’t been requested, they are essentially claiming authority over a life that isn’t theirs to manage.

While these questions and statements often appear helpful or a form of ‘concern’ on the surface, they are designed to subtly inject doubt, negativity, or control into the dialogue. The perpetrator acts out of an assumed entitlement, effectively bleeding into the victim’s personal space. Over time, this pattern of communication forces autonomous adults to second-guess their own intuition. It systematically diminishes confidence and dissolves healthy boundaries, ultimately positioning the speaker as the unquestioned authority in a life that is not their own

Contrast this with genuinely curious questions, such as:

• “I love it! I love how creative you are! What appeals to you about that idea?”
• “I like how you think. How did you decide on that approach?”
• “Tell me more about your new project, I’m intrigued.”
• “I’m delighted to hear about your next step, let me know if you need me for anything.”
• “Ah lovely that you’re getting a cat! What made you want a cat? What breed do you fancy?”

The first example closes space and asserts subtle judgement. The second examples invites exploration and connection: the questioner is getting to know the person for who they are, and the person recieving the questions feels seen and heard.

As the psychologist Carl Rogers emphasized:

“The curious beauty of empathy is that it allows the other person to grow in their own way, not yours.”

Constructive Criticism vs unsolicited criticism masked as “Advice”

Constructive criticism is meant to help, not hurt and a crucial part of it is that it is given when requested or appropriate. It focusses on specific, actionable suggestions rather than vague judgements, and aims to guide improvement while remaining respectful, rather than criticising the person.

“Often those that criticise others reveal what he himself lacks.” — Shannon L. Alder

Without context — without being asked or invited — criticism, no matter how well-intentioned, can easily feel intrusive and controlling. Unsolicited advice and criticism often highlights perceived flaws without offering meaningful guidance. It can come across as opinionated and ignorant and thus strain relationships.

In short, constructive feedback (that is asked for) builds trust and fosters growth, unsolicited feedback lacks respect for an individual’s autonomy and it also lacks depth of wisdom, since we can never fully walk in someone else’s shoes, how can one person believe their ‘advice’ is valid? Just because something worked for you, doesn’t mean it’s the right thing for another.

Unsolicited advice is like junk mail in your inbox, just delete and send to trash immediately. Judgement and unsolicited advice are not feedback — its projection, don’t absorb other peoples unprocessed fear-based baggage.

Judgement is usually a mirror of their unresolved rubbish, they are not dissecting you, they’re leaking their garbage onto you — you know who you are better than anyone, your worth is not defined by the opinions of others.

Don’t hand them the script to your worth. They’ll try to chip away at you until you start seeking their approval — people like this are desperate to be relevant.

As research professor and social scientist Brene Brown says, “There are a million cheap seats in the world today filled with people who will never be brave with their lives but who will spend every ounce of energy they have hurling advice and judgment… If you’re criticizing from a place where you’re not also putting yourself on the line, I’m not interested in what you have to say.”

Gossip, Slander, and the Energy of Speech

“Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.” — Eleanor Roosevelt

Gossip, slander, and triangulation are frequently born from a fragile need to feel temporarily superior, important, or included. By weaponizing twisted narratives and judgmental filters, the instigator buys a fleeting sense of control and proximity to their audience. For a moment, the secrecy feels like intimacy and the judgment feels like power — but it is a psychological illusion. This is not a bond built on shared values, but a fragile alliance built on shared contempt. These ‘bond-fire’ connections burn through trust and eventually leave the speaker isolated in the wreckage of their own fractured relationships.

At its core, gossip is a tool for the insecure to manufacture a sense of importance. By weaponizing negative information and ‘triangulating’ relationships, the speaker attempts to hijack the group’s attention and cement their own status. — Dr Ramani, Clinical Pyschologist and expert on Narcissim.

Psychologically, gossip can serve several purposes:

• It offers attention and inclusion in a social circle.
• It creates a fleeting sense of security and hierarchy, positioning the speaker as “in the know.”
• It diffuses attention away from the speaker’s own insecurities, secrets or mistakes by projecting and casting shadows onto someone else.
• Critically, gossips often commodify other people’s private information as a form of currency, treating privacy and personal details as transactional, something to leverage, trade, weaponize or use for personal gain — making them inherently untrustworthy people.

Social Scientist Brene Brown calls Gossip “Counterfeit Intimacy”

“People use gossip as a way to ‘hot wire’ a connection with another, but that intimacy isn’t real — it’s counterfeit trust.”

Gossip is frequently a bid for dominance, used to reinforce loyalty by feeding the instigator’s ego. By weaponizing triangulation — whispering between parties instead of encouraging direct dialogue — the speaker creates a toxic web of secrecy and mistrust. This divide-and-conquer strategy weakens the group’s foundation, subtly shifting power toward the person spreading the rumors and framing them as a central figure to be relied upon. While not all gossip is malicious, when it is used to build dependency and isolate others, it reveals a desperate need for validation that masquerades as social connection.

“Whoever gossips to you will gossip about you” — Spanish Proverb

The impact is ultimately corrosive. Gossip does not build community; it manufactures separation and distrust. Over time, the patterns become impossible to ignore, and the ‘primary denominator’ — the person who used shared judgment as a social bridge — is revealed as two-faced. What began as a bid for influence inevitably collapses into fractured trust and social isolation — the perpetrator wonders “why nobody is opening up to me anymore, I feel left out”, so there is an inherent lack of accountability and self reflection in their behaviour too. Because these connections were forged in betrayal rather than integrity, the resulting damage is often terminal; there is little to no room for reparation when the foundation of the relationship has been systematically hollowed out.

Because of this, it’s often wise to set strong boundaries with gossips, or employ the **“grey rock” **strategy: remain unreactive, neutral and disengaged. By doing so, you protect your personal information and prevent being drawn into the drama, manipulation, comparisons and lies.

The Throat Chakra

From an energetic perspective, the throat chakra — the centre of communication and self-expression — plays a key role in these dynamics. When it is overactive, blocked or out of balance:

• Speech may lean toward criticising, being an negative nancy, verbal abuse and verbal dominance.
• Words can carry judgement rather than authenticity or sincere kindness.
• Projectile anger and verbal abuse towards others.
• Anger issues and everything is an arguement.
• Conversational energy may prioritise control, needing to be centre of attention, hierarchy over genuine connection.
• You are verbally aggressive when challenged, with bouts of throwing tantrums.
• Dominate conversations for all the attention thus having an inability to read the room (to notice you’ve blabbed for so long that you’re becoming boring) and therefore lack the ability share the space with other peoples ideas, stories and opinions.
• Interrupt and talk over another in conversations.
• Argumentative, a need to be right, blurting out cruel words over empathy.
• Masking verbal abuse as “I’m only being honest.”
• Twist the original truth and fill it up with their own fallacies and lies and preaching this patched up version of events as Gospel to paint themselves as good/perfect but the victim is the villian.
• Conversation is seen as an invitation to infiltrate and cross boundaries over bonding.
• Talk is superficial and transactional, rather than building deep rapport.
• Gossip is currency to have status and control within the institution whether that’s work, school or family.
• Gossiping allows the Gossip to hide themselves. Gossips are secretive about their own private lives and their past, yet hypocritically feel entitled to other people’s private information.

Bringing the throat chakra into balance fosters authentic, grounded communication. Practices can include:

• Pausing before speaking to ensure words are kind, truthful and necessary.
• Speaking with conscious intention, aiming to build connection rather than control or undermine.
• Engaging in collective, positive vocal practices like singing, chanting or collaborative storytelling — so that speech becomes generative rather than destructive.
• Journaling and meditation are brilliant for communicating with your internal dialogue to help heal your emotional wounds and shadow self so you don’t project on to or attack others with your insecurities and emotional disregulation.
• Active listening and understanding — truly hearing and understanding others build trust, deepens relationships, and ensures communication is meaningful, not just heard.

Balanced communication reduces the unconscious pull towards gossip, critique or manipulation, allowing words to serve as tools for connection, understanding and shared respect — rather than instruments of dominance and division.

The Body Speaks Before the Mouth Does

Before a word is formed, it is shaped by your internal state.

If your body is tense, your words tend to come out sharper, faster, more reactive.

If you’re calm, your language softens. It becomes clearer. Kinder, intent on compassion and connection.

Backhanded comments, gossip, criticism masked as concern, covert stings and subtle attempts to sway or control a conversation often stem from insecurity and repressed hurt or trauma — a need to assert power or pre-empt feeling inadequate. Their words are less about us and more about their fear, self-doubt, or desire for control. Understanding this doesn’t excuse the behaviour, but it helps us see these barbs for what they are: a reflection of them, not a measure of your worth.

While some people use words to manipulate, dominate, triangulate or chip away at others — often out of deep insecurity — the way we communicate doesn’t have to follow this toxic pattern.

Language as a Bridge, Not a Barrier

When you begin to see how much of communication happens beneath the surface, something shifts.

Words stop being just a way to express yourself — and start becoming a way to shape the space between you and your relationships.

Across cultures, backgrounds and ways of seeing the world — words and language have long been understood as something powerful — something that does more than describe reality. It participates in creating it.

This is also true in psychology: when someone repeatedly tells you that you’re inadequate — ugly, incompetent, or not enough — your brain begins to internalize it. Over time, their words can shape your self-perception, subtly becoming your reality and you believe those nasty words — they become you.

In many spiritual traditions, spoken words are treated with care because they are believed to carry force.

Mantras for example, are repeated not just for their meaning but for their vibration — for the effect they have on the mind and body over time. One study observed 400 participants chanting mantras together. Saliva samples taken before the chanting showed high levels of cortisol — the body’s stress hormone. After the chanting, the second sample showed a massive decrease in cortisol which will have incredibly positive health benefits to the body and general sense of wellbeing. This demonstrates that when people come together in speaking, chanting, praying, or singing with reciprocal sincerity and kindness, it positively impacts the body — reducing stress, aiding in supporting physical wellness and fostering a sense of bonding and collective ease.

The African philosophy of Ubuntu demonstrates their profound capacity to heal. Rooted in the belief that ‘I am because we are,’ Ubuntu treats the spoken word as a bridge rather than a barrier. In communities guided by this principle, words are not used for covert evaluation, judgement, bullying, insults, gossip or manipulation; instead, they are used to sing a struggling individual back to wholeness. By collectively vocalizing a person’s strengths and virtues, the community uses language to repair the recipient’s sense of self, proving that while words have the power to fracture our reality, they also possess the singular, life-giving power to restore it.

Blessings and prayers in other traditions are similarly spoken aloud with good intentions, directing energy toward healing, protection or connection. Different expressions — same underlying recognition: Words are not neutral. Words are SPELLS, that’s why they call it SPELLING.

Speaking WITH Intention

The profound influence of language is perhaps most tangibly seen in a well-known classroom experiment: two identical plants are given the same sunlight and water, yet they are subjected to vastly different verbal environments. One is showered with encouragement, while the other is met with harsh, discouraging words. Over time, the ‘bullied’ plant wilts and lags, while the encouraged plant thrives. This exercise serves as a living metaphor for the fact that words are more than mere sounds — they are vessels for vibration and energy. If the weight of negativity can physically diminish a plant, we must consider the devastating, invisible impact our words have on the human mind, body and spirit. Unlike a plant, a human being internalizes these vibrations, allowing them to shape their very identity and potential for growth.

Careful Speech vs Sincere Speech

There’s a difference between speaking carefully and speaking sincerely.

Careful speech filters words to avoid conflict. We walk on egg shells to avoid upsetting someone. I’m not suggesting we swing the other way to police our words. I’m suggesting: If you are prone to all of the above — using your words to hurt, you might want to check in with yourself, ask yourself why hurting others benefits you? What shadows are lurking in your ego that drives you to say malicious things? And learn the art of sincere speech that exudes integrity, safety, wisdom and compassion.

Sincere speech aligns words with genuine presence.

It’s not about control. It’s about surrender.

When your intention is to cultivate kindness and openness for others, your language naturally shifts. It becomes clearer, compassionate and less layered with hidden cruel meanings and you become an emotional safe haven to others.

And that clarity creates space.

Space for the other person to respond without defensiveness.

Space for differences to co-exist without tension.

Space for communication to feel like connection, rather than an attack, competition and negotiation.

Space for mental, emotional, energetic and physical safety.

Space where no one dominates or claims authority — where all participants are respected equally, and judgement is not offloaded onto others, allowing conversation to unfold without power struggles.

One powerful way to cultivate self-reflection and improve communication is by tuning into your own inner and outer voices. Practices such as journaling, meditation, singing, or chanting help you become aware of your thoughts, emotions, and patterns of expression. The more in touch you are with yourself, the more grounded, authentic, and clear your communication with others becomes and by proxy, people will want to connect with you because you’re easeful to be around.

A Ritual to Cultivate Outward Kindness in Speech

Before a conversation — or even before sending a message — try this small ritual to make your words carry openness and care:

1. Pause and Tune out Distractions: take a breath and notice the person or people you are about to speak with. Imagine them as fully human, they have their own thoughts, their own life choices, their own way of doing things, feelings and experiences. They do not belong to you. If they want your advice, they will ask you if they feel you are the appropriate person for the specifics.
2. Set an outward intention: Silently say “may my words be received with ease, may my words be easeful, may they create connection, may they bring kindness.”
3. Notice your energy — ask yourself: Are my words likely to support, encourage or feel open and genuine? Or am I feeling judgemental, prone to compare or dominate?
4. Speak slowly and thoughtfully — Let your words reflect curiosity, respect and warmth. Pause if you feel reactive, controlling, impulsive, or struggle with mindless chatter.
5. Observe the impact — after speaking, notice how the other person responded. Read the room. Did the words land well? Or did you talk out of tune? Did they feel welcoming and open or did they feel mean and snide? Ask yourself why you feel the need to be hurtful with your words — check in with your inner world. Use this reflection to guide future interactions.

Even just a few minutes of this conscious practice helps your communication radiate kindness and empathy. Over time this nurtures interactions that are calmer, more collaborative and deeply human. Lose the judgemental lens and snide words and you begin to see people for who they are, rather than what you think they are or what you want them to be. And you begin to open yourself up to healthier, lasting relationships.

Conclusion

Words are not neutral. They carry intention, energy and the subtle weight of presence. How we speak can build connection — or quietly erode it.

By becoming aware of hidden barbs, negging, disguised criticism, comparisons, we gain the power to choose differently. Sincere speech, spoken with integrity and kindness, creates space where all participants are respected equally, differences are embraced, entitlement and hierarchies dissolve and conversation becomes a bridge rather than a battlefield.

Even when we intend kindness, we may accidentally speak out of turn, miss the mark or inadvertently hurt someone. In those moments, humbleness, grace and accountability are crucial. Owning our words, acknowledging missteps and correcting course strengthens trust and reinforces a culture of compassion and understanding. Sincere apologising is a strength of character NOT a weakness.

Consider how you speak of or speak to others — is it how you wish to be spoken to or spoken of? Consider your words and behaviour being directed at you — would you like it? If not, you might want to self-reflect on how you treat others.

Every interaction is an opportunity: to foster trust or destroy it, to share openness or being closed minded because of judgement. We can let language reflect the best of our intentions, or our worst. When we speak with care, presence, respect and accountability, the ripple effect is profound — not only in minds and hearts but in bodies, families, friendships, communities and across cultures.

If you’d like to explore more about the power and magic of wordcraft throughout history, my book Word Witchery: Walking the Path of the Poetry Priestess is available now on Amazon, Waterstones and all other retail outlets where books are sold.