My Permanent Playlist — the Reflective Songs

Songs I’d gladly play on a loop forever and that provide a framework for who I am

Mohammad Metri (Unsplash)

I’ve been a musician forever. An amateur musician, never pro. At one point, I toyed with the idea of trying to go pro, but I quickly realized that I wouldn’t practice enough to get that good, nor was I likely to enjoy the whole “starving artist on the road” thing for very long.

No matter. Music is still a huge part of my life and I love it. One reason I love music so much is it seems to consistently mark the highs and the lows of my life. It’s just this side of magic.

When something significant happens to me, a song always seems to present itself that speaks to the moment, whether it’s happy or sad. Other than the birth of my son and the cerulean blue of my husband’s eyes, that’s the closest thing to proof of God’s existence as I will probably ever find. (And I’m ok with that.)

So, what I’ve got below are songs that for various reasons are memorable to me. They are substantial — they carry meaning for me. They are far more than songs I like. When I hear them, I am immediately transported to a particular time, a place, a feeling. And for that reason, they have the pride of a place in my Permanent Playlist — songs I would happily play on a loop for the rest of my life.

Here’s the thing: not all of them remind me of happy times. Some of them break my heart. But taken as a whole, they speak to who I am and what has made me who I am. And who I am becoming.

The six songs here are the first ones on my Permanent Playlist. They’re the ones that get me in the right frame of mind and allow me to really listen and appreciate what I’m hearing. To contemplate things, be creative, or just relax. So I call this part of the playlist:

— A REFLECTIVE BEGINNING —

Agnus Dei (Rufus Wainwright)

Rufus Wainwright / By © Oliver Mark, CC BY-SA 4.0 (Wikipedia)

I could easily put more than one Rufus Wainwright song on this list, to be honest. His songs have been the soundtrack to my travels on more than one occasion. I played his song, I Don’t Know What It Is that talks about “getting me over / Calais or Dover“ as I rode the Eurostar between London and Paris. Sitting on our ship balcony, I listened to The Art Teacher and Grey Gardens and watched Venice fall away as the cruise ship headed for the Mediterranean Sea one early evening years ago.

But I digress.

Elton John has called Wainwright “the greatest songwriter on the planet,” and an “as-yet unheralded American treasure.” I would agree. However, for Agnus Dei, Wainwright used a piece written by the composer Samuel Barber (with the traditional Latin text) and he composed the string arrangement that accompanies it. Wainwright sings it as a solo piece, and it is mesmerizing.

His string arrangement opens with a middle eastern sound. By that I mean the arrangement is very ornamented; glissandi (rapid sliding on the string from one note to another are used and the instruments are played using a lot of vibrato. The music itself sounds almost improvised and free-flowing, although anyone with composition training can tell the phrasing is highly structured. The overall effect complements the classically European piece in a way I would not have thought possible. Wainwright’s voice echoes as if he is in an empty cathedral, the music spiraling up to the rafters. When I close my eyes and listen, I am transported and it is magical.

Agnus Dei is how I want to start this playlist. Think of it as an opening prayer, if you like. Or just a way to meditate and free your mind a bit. You definitely want headphones for this one. The big headphones, not earbuds.

And the World Turned (Gabe Dixon Band)

Gabe Dixon / Personal Photo (https://gabedixon.com/photos#&gid=4&pid=7)

If you’ve ever had someone you loved walk away from you, this is the song for you. If someone you loved has died, this song is for you too. (Critics can’t seem to decide if the song’s about a conscious ending or ending by death.) Either way, what makes the song’s lyrics so powerful is the fact that the girl is longing for a boy to come back to her . . . and he doesn’t or can’t, for whatever reason. It’s poignant, emotional, and intimate. When I listen to it, I almost feel like I’m intruding on someone’s private thoughts. But it resonates with me.

The music is simple, but unforgettable. The melodic structure beautifully showcases Dixon’s piano playing. The Gabe Dixon Band was out of South Florida, so salute (as they used to say on Hee Haw). Sadly, they broke up in 2010. But it’s this one song that I cherish from their work, and I will keep returning to it, even though I tear up almost every time I hear it. It reminds me of relationships I had that didn’t work out — no matter how much I might have wanted them to at the time.

And So It Goes (Billy Joel)

Billy Joel / Creator: Michael Ochs Archives/Getty Images

This 1989 ballad from the album Storm Front is another simple, but beautiful piece; just piano and Joel’s voice. But boy, does it strike you in your gut.

I’ve always taken the song to be about a man laying his soul bare to a person he loves and who he wants to love him. He hopes for the best, even though in the past it hasn’t worked out, and he is resigned to the fact that it could easily go wrong again.

Joel is another of America’s great songwriters and the lyrics are front and center here. But the music manages to portray the quiet longing and past hurt this man feels, and the small, but real hope he has that this time things will work. Simply put, it is just a beautiful song and a flawless example of words and music working in perfect symmetry, sung by a voice that perfectly reflects its weary, yet hopeful tone.

Into Dust (Mazzy Star)

Mazzy Star’s Hope Sandoval / 「mazzy star into dust」の画像検索結果

It starts out like a dream. The lead singer of Mazzy Star, Hope Sandoval, enters the song slowly, ethereal, above a bed of strings, singing:

Still falling

Breathless and on again

Inside today

Beside me today

I would be lying if I said I completely understand the meaning of this song. It could be about the end of a relationship. It could be about death. For me, it’s about the vibe it gives. It haunts me. It stays with me. I will find myself hearing it in my head at the oddest times.

The song echoes as if it’s being played in a large, empty room (or crypt). And it ends oddly, with most of the instruments falling out and a discordant chord playing into a short fadeout. A 2020 Pitchfork review describes Into Dust as a “ghostly lullaby.” That about sums it up for me.

Dear Prudence (The Beatles)

Score for Dear Prudence (Lennon & McCartney) / 1968, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

On some level, I guess I felt compelled to have one Beatle song in this list. But I’d be damned if I was going to go the “I Want to Hold Your Hand” or “Yellow Submarine” route.

Don’t get me wrong — I love the Beatles. Well, who doesn’t? Anyone who tells me they don’t like the Beatles always gets the side-eye from me. I mean, come on, it’s the Beatles, man. That’s like saying you don’t like puppies or ice cream. There has to be something of theirs you like, right?

I honestly can’t say whether I’m a Lennon or McCartney gal. There are songs I love from both of them and songs I can’t stand from both of them. McCartney has written some gorgeous melodies but has also written some of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard committed to vinyl (just my opinion, folks). Lennon is wicked clever but he wrote stuff with Yoko Ono, so there’s that. And they both let their non-musician wives sing on their albums. Why? Couldn’t you have just gotten them a bouquet of roses or something?

But I digress.

Back to Prudence. This is a Lennon jam and it’s lovely. From the White Album, so one of the later contributions, it didn’t even have Ringo on it (not going to say a word about that). For Lennon, it’s fairly simplistic and innocent in tone and word, even though most critics (and I) feel the message of the song is deeper than an initial scan of the lyrics would have you think. That said, it starts out quietly and builds in intensity over the course of the song.

Lennon uses a distinctive guitar finger-picking technique he learned from the musician Donovan, known as “clawhammer picking.” It’s that technique that gives Prudence the unique sound that I like so much. At one point, Lennon selected it as one of his favorite Beatles songs. I’m with him on that.

Dear Rosemary (Foo Fighters)

Foo Fighters / Roswell Records and RCA Records

I love me my Foo Fighters. And I LOVE Dave Grohl. There are a lot of reasons I love Dave Grohl:

• Grohl is almost exactly 4 years younger than me. So, he’s my generation — Gen X.
• He was the drummer for Nirvana — I love me my Nirvana (they show up later in this list).
• His voice can make me smile, scream or cry — awesome.
• He is CUTE. When he plays drums he is cute. When he plays guitar he is cuter.
• He is SO creative and talented it makes me sick.
• He takes his Mom on tour with him — I mean, come on.
• By all appearances, he seems like someone I wouldn’t mind having a rum & coke with, and I don’t say that about a lot of musicians, even some that are on this list. I worked in the recording industry for a while and met some folks (nothing like picking up the phone and having a Jackson brother on the other end). A lot of the folks I met during that time I wouldn’t cross the street to see now, much less drink with — just sayin’.

Dave Grohl — Good Lord, he’s cute! / Simone Joyner/Getty Images

Anyway, Dear Rosemary speaks to a relationship that is toxic but keeps you bound. It’s someone you know is bad for you but is a part of you at the same time. Grohl sings the song almost like a duet with Bob Mould from the rock band, Hüsker Dü, one of Grohl’s personal favorites.

The opening lines say it all:

You got away, got away, got away from me

Now get away, get away, get away from me

Grohl’s voice is searing; you hear the pain and emotion in his voice. He cares a great deal for this woman but also knows it ain’t gonna go well for either of them. And the melody is beautiful, while the song rocks — no mean feat.

Eric Nopanen (Unsplash)

I’ve played down enough of my list for the time being. Next time, I’ll talk about the songs that form what I call the “Atmospheric Painting” part of my Permanent Playlist. See you then.