Recipe for Death & Rebirth: The Heroic Dose

Ingredients

3 days of fasting 6g of psilocybin mushrooms 1 cup pure raw cacao A few drops of THC oil

Mix well and drink at your discretion.

The Experience: Terence Mckenna got me once more excited about what he called “The Heroic Dose” (about 5g for psilocybin). So, fasting makes for an excellent preparation. The body liberates toxins and it feels light and ready. The runaway was the longest ever, it felt I was taking off for hours. The high kept on escalating slowly but steadily. After one hour I was dancing and melting into the music, riding waves of sounds, enjoying the paradise that is my house, my garden, my body. The lack of thoughts caught my attention once more: I was mindless, I was only a body of cells undulating into delicious bliss. I said, everyone sits and expects the visuals, but you can see the visuals or be the visuals. The latter feels so much better. I danced even before the effect started to take and I got the image of a train going fast and myself running and jumping on it at the same speed, like being possessed, like just running towards it and melting into it.

Three hours later, starting to feel tired of dancing and walking, I lie under the stars, seeing all sorts of visual effects but mostly feeling utter joy and comfort. Vibrating into the same frequency of Mother Earth, feeling myself integrating into it and becoming one with it without borders, my body was strings of energy, and the most rewarding part of it, the voice of my body, the words it spoke to me, the gratitude it expressed for the cleanse I did, for the healing choices I make every day in order to enjoy these moments without toxins and the unequivocally feeling that nothing plagued it, that it vibrated freely because no disease blocked it anywhere. There were no struggles in it, and if there were any, they were being liberated right then, for my vibe was of the highest, it was pushing out anything that attempted to bring me down.

Four hours later, I took a turn. As I began to disappear and vanish, I could see my hands turning into thin air, into the light, at first I enjoyed the feeling deeply. But then the feeling became incredibly intense, I was starting to fade and I wasn’t sure where to or why. Suddenly it all collapsed and I could not shake the feeling of dying. Part of me knew it was the mushroom, the part of me that panicked was constantly rescued by the part of me that said “This is the exact reason why you took so much” and even in the absolute discomfort I found comfort, I was laughing at the lack of sense as I tried to hold on to any kind of sense I could make for myself. I was sure that was the feeling I would encounter upon death, so I wanted to study it, recognize it, and get used to it. I didn’t want it to go away, even though it frightened me. So many worries, is it a heart attack? is it a seizure? is it an overdose? am I dying? Is this going to be forever? All worries I had on prior trips that I managed to overcome.

In previous trips, when things took a turn, they used to be very emotional. I would cry, have fear, and pain, and think about many issues, about me or others. Even in the pain, I felt compassion, love, mourning, despair, hope and every possible emotion. I cry a lot, I am a crier. I notice the environment a lot, everything makes me uncomfortable, and any bit of dirt or thing out of place tortures my mind. But this time, there was nothing. I felt no emotions, I felt only extreme comfort and extreme discomfort and their seemingly endless dance in my body and mind. I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t see anything, I couldn’t be bothered. I lay in the garden in the cold and I closed my eyes. The wildest visions came to me, traveling through hyperspace at vertiginous speeds. I didn’t want it to end, I was willing to suffer the discomfort to keep on traveling. And to know I can handle myself, I can be super-human, I can connect with the fungus that creates everything on this planet (and perhaps others) and go willingly where it wants to take me.I did not want it to end.

All my unconscious functions, breathing, sphincters, and digesting, became conscious, so I would have to think about breathing, about holding myself, etc. My digestive track became highlighted and I could feel so much pleasure just from feeling it. It was scary to forget how to breathe and to feel the muscles around my throat so tight they were choking me, but I relaxed. I was aware of everything my body was constantly doing for me, all these functions I repeatedly take for granted, especially when I don't talk to myself kindly. I was grateful. I was also grateful to my partner for being my company, for laughing and checking on me all the time, I felt it was quite a gift to have someone with whom I could share the most incredible insights.

I was cold and so I went to bed. My partner handed me the keys to close the door and I couldn’t feel my fingers. I could not feel my body and it somehow amazed me. Warming my body under the blankets was such an indulgence. We just stayed in silence for a long while, “that is the definition of fuck around and find out! I said. “Right to the very edge of all” he replied. I fell asleep still tripping so much, it was such a pleasant landing, I didn’t even feel it, I was in a cloud, my body so comfortable and amazed, I slept without mind. I was in paradise.

I woke up in the morning without a hangover, feeling amazing and fresh. The whole day I was aware of the incredible space inside me, in that experience that opened so much room, that created so much. I told my partner, I felt the back of my head explode open and it’s still open now. The entropy that always depresses me suddenly felt like a choice I made, to stay here, to be here, to enjoy it, to live it, like I know a secret not many dare hold. These ends of reality where we go are difficult to handle, but they are a treasure to find. Because, as I said, it’s a superpower, to handle yourself, to realize you are everything, so you are no one, and to be okay with that. To fill the hole you have inside with the whole, and find out the ultimate spell, the hole is the whole, your nothingness makes you all. To feel lighter than air and light, and not to be here, but to be there at the same time, crossing constantly to those images of the beyond, grateful to the matrix and to the fungus for the connections it created in me, my brain expanding, my thoughts connecting, new pathways burning through in magical colors across both hemispheres bridging dimensions unknown to me.

I die, I was reborn, and I will die again. In the end, I feel I am the things that I experienced and I don’t ever want to leave.