Cartoon by Mark Knight

THE TRAGEDY OF THE LIBERAL HOUSE

A Comedy in One Act

Being a most lamentable and ridiculous account of the Defeat of the Coalition Forces at the Federal Election of the Year Two Thousand and Twenty-Five

The scene: A grand chamber in the Liberal Party Room, Canberra. Portraits of Howard, Fraser, and Menzies hang upon the walls, gazing down with expressions of eternal disappointment. A long table dominates the room, strewn with polling documents, half-eaten Tim Tams, and a single, forlorn “GET AUSTRALIA BACK ON TRACK” banner, slightly crooked. Candles flicker. Thunder rolls outside. Enter PETER DUTTON, dressed in a great coat, carrying a clipboard. He paces. Behind him, ANDREW HIRST, Federal Director, follows at a careful distance, like a man trailing a bear he suspects may turn around.

DUTTON: (to himself, dramatically) The polls did sing my praises! Turner swore it so! Two-and-fifty percent! Victory most assured! And yet — and yet — what treacherous wind hath blown My seat of Dickson from mine very grasp? I, who did vanquish Albanese in words, who slew The Voice upon the referendum field, who fashioned DOGE of shadow, bold and bright — Am brought undone by FLOODS? By EASTER EGGS? By tax cuts for the lowly earning class?

(He slams his clipboard upon the table)

UNSATISFACTORY.

Enter ANDREW HIRST, clearing throat nervously.

HIRST: My lord — if I may speak — the figures show —

DUTTON: (wheeling around) AH! The Director speaks! How NOVEL this! For all the term I sought thee in the halls, Thou camest not to Shadow Cabinet’s door, Thou didst not brief me on the arts of war — And NOW thou shufflest in with figures? NOW?

HIRST: My lord, I came! I knocked! I sent the emails! The strategy was laid — the thirty-three Day Plan was crafted, printed, bound in blue —

DUTTON: The thirty-three Day Plan! Ha! What a jest! The Plane did go where’er the Plane did choose! Tasmania for women’s shelters — why? What women’s thing in Tassie warranted it? Sussan Ley did scramble cross the isle, Senator Liddle given hours — nay, MINUTES — To fly from Adelaide with no arrangement made!

HIRST: (aside to audience) He speaks the truth. I cannot contradict it. And yet he was the author of this chaos — How does one tell a lion he hath roared Himself into a corner of his making?

(aloud) My lord, I merely note — the Federal Secretariat Did raise these very matters — did express —

DUTTON: (interrupting) THOU EXPRESSEDST? When? The nine meetings? We had but NINE meetings in preparation! Nine! I met my barber more than nine times! And what didst thou prepare? What fearsome weapon? An advertising campaign — BELATEDLY — That ran in January, February — A MILLION POUNDS upon mine own soft story, When Labor painted me as Voldemort for EIGHTEEN MONTHS while I did nothing say!

Enter SUSSAN LEY, Federal Leader post-election, striding in with papers.

LEY: Good gentlemen, I hear the tempest rise — What quarrel breaks the peace of this sad chamber?

DUTTON: (gesturing grandly) Madam, thy predecessor stands before thee — A man most cruelly betrayed by circumstance! By interest rates that FELL in February! By floods that let Albanese look CARING! By Trump, that orange spectre cross the seas, who did attach himself unto my name Like a barnacle upon a once-proud hull!

LEY: (carefully) My lord, the women — if I may be frank —

DUTTON: (wincing) Oh, do not speak of women.

LEY: I MUST speak of women. For they did say in Wentworth, clear as bells: “I like you, but you cannot have my vote So long as Peter Dutton leads the charge.”

DUTTON: (clutching chest as if struck) A DAGGER. Madam, thou dost stab me deep.

LEY: The Working From Home policy — my lord —

DUTTON: Do not —

LEY: Forty thousand public servants —

DUTTON: I BEG thee —

LEY: Back into offices —

DUTTON: WOMAN, STOP.

LEY: Did we TEST this upon female voters first? Did we consult the women of the party? Did Hilma’s Network get so much as one small telephone call? One email? One reply?

DUTTON: (turning to Hirst) Did we consult Hilma’s Network?

HIRST: (very quietly) No, my lord.

DUTTON: (turning to Ley) We did not consult Hilma’s Network.

LEY: (with great restraint) No. We did not. And in Wentworth, and in Bradfield too, And Curtin, Kooyong, Mackellar, and more, the women of Australia said — collectively — “No.”

(She sits down. A long pause.)

Enter SENATOR MICHAELIA CASH, sweeping in dramatically.

CASH: What ho! What council of despair is this? I heard the wailing from the corridor!

DUTTON: (muttering) The whole building heard.

CASH: The Trump comparison! THAT was our undoing! I said — did I not say? — someone did say —

HIRST: (aside) No one said anything to anyone. That was the fundamental problem, see — The party room was unity most absolute, A unity of silence and of fear, where no MP would dare to speak their mind, Lest they be told to LEAVE if they disagreed.

(aloud) I believe the concern was raised internally —

CASH: The shadow Ministry of Government Efficiency! (she shudders) Created in January — January! — When Trump’s own DOGE was making headlines black and every Australian was recoiling fast From images of sackings and of cuts! Who — I ask with genuine curiosity — Who thought this was the TIME to mirror Trump?

Silence. All eyes slowly turn to DUTTON.

DUTTON: (defensively) It was a DIFFERENT kind of efficiency.

LEY: (gently) They called thee “Temu Trump,” my lord.

DUTTON: (pained) I am AWARE of what they called me, Madam.

Enter DR. MIKE TURNER, pollster, rushing in with papers, slightly breathless.

TURNER: My lords! My ladies! Glorious news — I find That weighted toward the Referendum vote — The polling shows we had a SOLID base —

HIRST: (turning slowly) Thou.

TURNER: (stopping) …Andrew.

HIRST: THOU. The prophet of false dawn! The soothsayer who read the augurs wrong! “Fifty-four to forty-six in New South Wales!” Thou didst declare with confidence supreme — And what occurred in New South Wales, good doctor?

TURNER: (very small voice) …The results were somewhat — different.

HIRST: REVERSED. The RESULTS WERE NEARLY REVERSED, Mike Turner.

TURNER: The soft vote was softer than anticipated —

HIRST: The SOFT VOTE. He speaks of SOFT VOTE. Peter Dutton lost his SEAT, good doctor. He began election day in VICTORIA — Because thy polls suggested Dickson safe — And lost it to a candidate unknown While campaigning in a state that was not his!

DUTTON: (quietly) That was a suboptimal outcome, yes.

TURNER: (to Dutton, ignoring Hirst) My lord, I wish to say — our conversations — The calls we had, the private strategy —

HIRST: (erupting) THE PRIVATE CALLS! There it is! There’s the wound! He rang thee PERSONALLY, Mike Turner, bypassing me — the Federal Director — The man whose ACTUAL JOB it is to direct — He rang thee as one rings a trusted friend for market tips! And thou didst answer him! Thou art a POLLSTER, not a strategist! Thou said so THYSELF — and yet thou played the role of whispering courtier to a king in doubt!

TURNER: (indignantly) I was responsive to the Leader’s needs —

HIRST: The Leader’s NEEDS required HONEST counsel, not confirmation of his hopeful bias! Thou serviced also the NATIONAL PARTY During the campaign — simultaneously — Was that not a conflict of some interest?

TURNER: (turning red) That is a COMPLEX characterisation of —

CASH: (to Ley, whispering) Shall we send for wine? This may continue.

LEY: (whispering back) Nay, I have already sent for wine.

A great knocking at the door. Enter TIM WILSON, glowing and triumphant, the ONE victorious candidate, bearing his Goldstein result like a holy relic.

WILSON: Friends, Liberals, colleagues — lend me your ears! I come not to bury Caesar but to teach him! For I have done what others could not do — I took the seat of Goldstein back from Teal! The research! The two-stage campaign! The work Begun in twenty twenty-three, not twenty-five! The Federal Secretariat’s support! The focus on making Teal incumbents look Green-aligned!

(He produces charts)

STAGE ONE: break the electorate’s attachment to sitting Teal member! STAGE TWO: persuade them vote in blue!

DUTTON: (staring) …It cost two hundred thousand dollars.

WILSON: (beat) …It was a MARGINAL seat.

DUTTON: The NATIONAL campaign cost that much PER AD. We spent a MILLION on my personal story Running in January and in February When no one was yet paying any attention.

WILSON: (carefully putting charts away) The principle nonetheless —

DUTTON: (with sudden ferocity) Oh the PRINCIPLE. Yes. The principle. Pru Goward and Nick Minchin wrote it down! Seventeen recommendations, Wilson! SEVENTEEN! And every one of them Reflects a failure that I — we — that — (he trails off, then rallies) That CIRCUMSTANCES made inevitable.

HIRST: (very quietly) Recommendation One, my lord. “The Party must never again allow The Parliamentary Leader and his Office To effectively run the campaign.”

Silence descends like a thundercloud.

DUTTON: (turning very slowly to face Hirst) …What sayest thou?

HIRST: (who has clearly decided this is the moment) I say, my lord — with great respect — that one State director, witnessing thy conduct on the Plane, did offer this summation of the campaign:

(he produces a paper and reads with quiet devastation)

“Peter Dutton made himself captain, coach, and ballboy.”

(The room goes absolutely silent.)

(The portrait of John Howard on the wall seems to grow more disapproving.)

(A clock ticks.)

DUTTON: (very quietly) Get out.

HIRST: My lord —

DUTTON: Not thee. I mean — all of thee. No — I mean — I don’t know WHAT I mean. (he sits heavily) Captain. Coach. And ballboy.

(He stares at the table.)

LEY: (gently) The review panel also notes, my lord, that one senator observed, in passing — That thy advisors treated MPs as — quote — “Irrelevant,” and were — the word used was — “Disrespectful.”

DUTTON: (not looking up) I trusted very few of my colleagues.

LEY: Yes.

DUTTON: I doubted many of their motives.

LEY: Yes.

DUTTON: I felt the Director was not up to it.

HIRST: (with admirable restraint) I was not told this directly, my lord. The Federal President was not told either. This breakdown — this catastrophic breach — Was never communicated, never raised, never brought before the Federal Campaign Committee — Which itself met but ONCE during the campaign.

DUTTON: (looking up) It met once?

HIRST: Once, my lord.

DUTTON: During a five-week campaign?

HIRST: Once. Yes.

DUTTON: (a pause) That seems insufficient.

HIRST: The review panel agreed with that assessment.

Enter a YOUNG LIBERAL, wide-eyed, carrying How-To-Vote cards.

YOUNG LIBERAL: My lords! My ladies! The booth workers need — We have some Plymouth Brethren at the booth —

ALL: (in unison) NOT NOW.

Exit YOUNG LIBERAL at speed.

CASH: (breaking the tension) Well. What is done is done. The votes are cast. We hold but forty-three seats in the House. The lowest count since nineteen forty-nine. Tasmania swung against us by nine points. The ACT is lost beyond all reasonable hope. The young — the young did not vote for us at all. Not twenty-seven percent of those aged under thirty. Not one in four. Not one. In. Four.

LEY: (standing) And yet the review does say — quite clearly — The party is not DEAD. Not if we ACT. The soft vote that abandoned us this term May yet return, if we show discipline, Renewal, strategy and — above all — unity.

DUTTON: (bitter laugh) Unity. They preached it all the term. No one dissented in the party room. The silence was so total, so complete, that when I said that one man disagreed — He could, I told him, leave if that’s his view — The silence deepened into something fearful. Was that unity? Or was it terror? (beat) I fear it may have been the latter.

A long pause. Something shifts.

HIRST: (quietly) David Kemp said this, after many campaigns: “The campaign director must do all he can to remain in control — including being prepared to take a leader privately to task to keep campaign management on track. A wise leader recognises he cannot Control a campaign and also lead it properly.”

(He looks at Dutton.)

(Dutton looks at the table.)

(The portraits look at everyone.)

DUTTON: (after a very long pause) I was not a wise leader.

(Silence.)

HIRST: (gently) The review does not say that, my lord.

DUTTON: No. But thou dost think it.

HIRST: …I think the structure failed us, my lord. I think the trust between us was too broken. I think we both might have done differently.

DUTTON: (nodding slowly) Seventeen recommendations.

LEY: Accepted. All of them.

DUTTON: Pru Goward writes that our survival Requires urgency, and determination —

CASH: And unity. Actual unity. Not silence.

DUTTON: (wry, exhausted) There is a difference, it transpires.

He rises from his chair. He walks to the window. Outside, Canberra is grey and autumnal.

DUTTON: I came to this great office bearing hope — That I could win what Howard won before, could match the legacy upon these walls, could be the man who turned the tide for them. Instead, I am a cautionary tale in seventeen recommendations. So.

(He turns.)

What must I do to make amends, Andrew?

HIRST: (surprised) …My lord?

DUTTON: To the party. To the candidates. To every woman candidate who begged me Not to visit her electorate, whose seat was lost despite her excellence. To the multicultural communities We managed, somehow, to offend three times in a single campaign. What must I do?

HIRST: (carefully) …Step back, my lord. And let the lessons land.

Dutton nods. He takes down the slightly crooked GET AUSTRALIA BACK ON TRACK banner from the wall. He looks at it.

DUTTON: They said this slogan lacked cut-through.

LEY: It somewhat did, my lord.

DUTTON: (rolling it up) Yes. I rather think it did.

(He places it gently in the bin.)

(He straightens his coat.)

(He offers his hand to Hirst.)

(Hirst, after a moment’s hesitation, shakes it.)

EPILOGUE: Enter PRU GOWARD and NICK MINCHIN as themselves, stepping forward from the wings, survey the scene, and address the audience directly.

GOWARD: Thus ends the tragedy of this proud house — Not dead, but wounded, wiser, and forewarned. The failure to grasp reform through many years Has brought them to this unenviable place.

MINCHIN: Our recommendations number seventeen — Not five score volumes, not a weighty tome — Seventeen modest asks for common sense: Let directors direct. Let leaders lead. Poll widely. Vet thy candidates. Engage The women, and the young, and those who came from other shores to call this country home.

GOWARD: The party’s survival requires speed.

MINCHIN: The party’s survival requires unity.

BOTH: The party’s survival requires —

(They look at each other.)

(They look at the bin containing the banner.)

GOWARD: …Actually working out what the message is before the five-week campaign starts, perhaps.

MINCHIN: That too. Yes. Primarily that.

(Exeunt all. The portraits of Howard, Fraser, and Menzies remain, gazing down in silence. The clock ticks. The Tim Tams go uneaten.)

FINIS

“Our recommendations cannot be put on the back burner or implemented over the course of five years. The party’s survival requires urgency, determination and unity.” — Goward-Minchin Review, 2025

Inspired by the tabled 2025 Federal Election Review of the Liberal Party.