Daggermouth: Chapter one

The inconsistencies in Greyson’s character

I did not enjoy the first chapter of Daggermouth, a dystopian romance novel by indie author H. M. Wolfe. It is poorly crafted, in a way that is only possible if little care was put into the making of this book. Its mistakes are numerous, but easily fixable. But the quality of literary works is not something I am concerned with on this blog. The question is: did a human author screw up or did a chatbot produce this work?

The issues in the first two chapters of Daggermouth are too major to not have been caused by AI. Even an amauteur writer would not have made them. In today’s post, we’ll be looking at the inconsistencies in Greyson’s character. Daggermouth gives the POV of a bunch of different characters — to the point of frustration for some reviewers — but the main leads are Greyson and his love interest Shadera. How is it possible that a human author can’t keep the characterization of her MMC (male main character) straight for even one chapter? Not to mention, this is not the first book H. M. Wolfe has published. She wasn’t even an inexperienced writer when she wrote or rather “wrote” Daggermouth, so you can’t use that as an excuse.

While reading the first chapter of Daggermouth, I was confused on whether or not Greyson supported his father’s wicked regime. Once I got to the part that described Greyson’s rebel activities, I finally understood he was AGAINST the status quo. But it was difficult for me to tell up to that point because the text was giving me mixed signals. I’ve read through the first chapter again and have made a list of all the pieces of information that suggest Greyson is for or against the dictatorship. Though the right answer is that Greyson despises the dictatorial rule of his father, there are some signs that strongly point to the opposite direction.

GREYSON IS AGAINST THE DICTATORSHIP:

“Greyson regarded the couple, and allowed himself to feel nothing. He didn’t believe in the necessity of this act, but as he stood there, words from his childhood scraped at the back of his mind.” (Greyson narrates he does not want to kill the couple he was ordered to kill for breaking the laws of the Heart.)

“She was begging now, begging to be spared, to be kept alive through a torrent of wails. Begging for mercy that didn’t exist. Greyson watched her for one beat, then two. He felt a shallow sickness grow in his throat, and the tremor in his left hand as he aimed the gun at the back of the head. […] He nodded, swallowing as his finger tightened on the trigger but hesitated, again.”

“Greyson looked back into the crowd in search of his mother’s mask, but she was already gone, had slipped out through the revelry, the celebration of murder.” (Greyson calls the execution of the rebels murder, which suggests he was against it.)

“The execution haunted him, echoing in his ears like a phantom taunt. The feeble pop of the first shot, the desperate way she screamed for mercy, the way he’d hesitated, the way she’d begged.”

“He slowly peeled the gloves from his fingers, setting them on the entry table beside him before removing the mask from his face. He set it on its stand and stared at it. The burden of privilege. […] Greyson pulled his eyes away from the mask and rolled his jaw, biting back the rage it ignited in him. As if you could oppress the citizens of this city any more than they already were. His father only cared about power, and being the seat of it. He didn’t care that the people under his watch, outside of the Heart, were dying every day from starvation.”

“The contents spilled onto the floor in front of him, and he began his inventory for the next scheduled drop. Fifteen vials of antibiotics, five of narcotics, ten ampoules of enzyme suppressant for children, a thousand credits worth of meal stamps, and rolls of bandaging tape. […] He’d go to the maintenance levels while the Heart slept and security was at its weakest, sneak into the garages and strap the items to the bottom of the Veyra patrol vehicles.” (Greyson helps the rebels by smuggling supplies from the Heart to the Boundary.)

“It should’ve felt heroic, but it didn’t. It felt like routine. It felt like the desperate act of a man who couldn’t reconcile the crimes he’d committed against the very people he was trying to help.”

“Greyson paused, just long enough for the question to settle. “No father,” Greyson lied.” (Greyson lied that he was not one of the people that thought the public executions were unnecessary. So he is against the executions.)

GREYSON IS PRO-DICTATORSHIP

“Greyson could feel it — the eyes on him, analyzing every step he took away from the platform. He should’ve felt something, should’ve felt guilt or shame. But in that deep pit of his stomach, Greyson only felt cold.” (Here, Greyson feels no empathy after killing two lovers that were condemned to death.)

“The car was lined with smart-glass, which mirrored his mask back at him from every angle, each reflection rendered in harsher contrast by the surgical white light. It wasn’t the face of a man, but the emblem of a system — a system that had worked for five generations to keep the city from eating itself alive.” (In other words, Greyson considers the oppressive system of his father and further lineage to be essential, less the city would dissolve into pure chaos. This is a very grave inconsistency!)

“The Daggermouths owned the Boundary, and they did not take kindly to the Veyra coming into their ring. Greyson flinched at the thought, his hands balling into fists as his knuckles blanched. He hated the Daggermouths with every atom of his being. They were murderers, contract killers, who only answered to one man. Jaeger Nolin. They were the reason his brother was dead. Daggermouths were ruthless mercenaries, hungry for blood, and Greyson saw Jaeger as no better than his father. He saw an opportunity to snatch power and he took it, without caring who it could hurt.” (Perhaps this is merely some nuance in Greyson’s viewpoint. He could have had sympathy for the people in the outer ring of the city, but hated the Daggermouths because they were responsible for his brother’s death. I still place this paragraph in this section, for it is clear that Greyson loathes the biggest enemies of his father, the most dangerous opposition to the suffocating regime. Greyson saw Jaeger Nolin as lacking a conscious as much as his father, so why would he support the Daggermouths over his own blood?)

“He glanced into the mirror hanging above the entryway table and checked his appearance. Nothing of him existed on the outside — there could be no traces of individuality. He pushed back the deep charcoal strands of his hair, smoothing them into place, then strode out the door.” (Greyson not only participates in the requirement of wearing masks, which all members of the elite have to do. He goes the extra mile. If you were forced to do something against your will, you would not do it in any further capacity than is demanded of you.)

“Maximus hadn’t risen to power by intimidation alone — he inspired, dissected, and ultimately consumed those who opposed him.” (This is a somewhat appreciative statement about Maximus and his leadership. If he also inspired, he wasn’t 100% a tyrant.)

“For a moment, Greyson wondered, if he were ever to be in the rebel’s position, would he show the same resolve?” (Greyson calls the man and woman he executes rebels multiple times, even though most of their crimes have to do with them falling in love with each other. The Heart has very strong rules surrounding love: no communication is permitted between people from different rings; sex before marriage isn’t permitted either. A human author is aware that the word rebel tends to be used by people to justify an execution, thus it was a bad idea to make Greyson use this word to describe his victims.)

Greyson is acting very theatrical when he kills the rebels. He walks across the platform with his hands behind his back, raises his hand to make the public go silent and gives a speech about how justice is served through the death of the condemned. Okay, perhaps he does this to keep his father satisfied, since his actions are carefully recorded by drones and broadcast to the Heart, but it does send a certain message to the reader. This is how he is introduced; this is our first impression of him.

The worst offence

If I would have to pick a sign that is most egregious, I would pick this quote:

“The car was lined with smart-glass, which mirrored his mask back at him from every angle, each reflection rendered in harsher contrast by the surgical white light. It wasn’t the face of a man, but the emblem of a system — a system that had worked for five generations to keep the city from eating itself alive.”

Some of my counterexamples to Greyson’s negative view on his father’s regime, are minor points. I find the first two points the strongest. But this one takes the cake. There is no way an author would write this if she wants her character to be opposed to a dictatorship. If Greyson truly believes this system has been working for five generations to prevent the city from eating itself alive, then there is no way he can be against the dictatorship. Clearly, he has bought into the system if he thinks this way.

But two of the points mentioned in the list, contradict each other in a very direct manner, not merely in the overall picture. When Greyson has just finished executing the rebels, he tells the readers he does not feel anything about it, even though he knows he should. So just after the execution, he was stone cold. But a few pages later, once he is back in his apartment, he starts breaking down. Presumably only ten minutes after the execution, suddenly he is haunted by what he has done. That does not make any sense. How can a character go from stone cold to being tormented in a matter of less than an hour? Since this is not possible, it is a major contradiction. The “author” could not decide whether Greyson felt awful about the executions or whether he did not care at all. And yet, if a human wrote about him, these two reactions could have been logically combined, but don’t think a chatbot would bother itself with causality as much as a human does.

Possible combination through causality:

Greyson did feel terrible about the execution. He did not want to kill the man and woman kneeling before him on the platform, but he had to as he knew his father was watching. His mask hid his disgust and he forced himself to speak the propaganda his father and the crowd expected of him. When he was back in the privacy of his apartment, he allowed himself to react. He leaned with his back against the wall, letting out a loud sigh. The visions he saw of what just occured tormented him.

If this were the order of events, then it would make sense. Greyson did feel something in my suggestion, but his reaction came later. The contradictions in Greysons characterisation are not a matter of nuance or complexity. Daggermouth presents us with loose data points, without forging any logical links between them. For example, the text could have said Greyson felt sympathy for the ordinary people of the Boundary, but not for the Daggermouths because they killed his brother. One word — but — would have made this clear. Thus chapter one of Daggermouth leaves us with a character who is not a character.

(If you’re interested in more informal essays about books that have faced AI allegations, check out my Substack. @thehumanaidetector)