The Parasite of Perfection

When the cherry on top tastes like ash

Photo by Leon Wu on Unsplash

My world nearly ended a few days ago. I received my 12th grade exam results, and they were even more horrible than my worst case scenario.

I cried for hours, contemplated harm, felt utterly hopeless. Since kindergarten, I had worked towards this one grade. This one defining thing.

And now? I was robbed of my moment of glory.

Everyone else is perfectly happy, happy about the marks, happy that I made it out alive this past year, happy that I won’t be repeating twelfth. I even get a stern lecture when I try to express any disappointment.

But you know what no one else understands? I worked hard this time. Every other time was a half-assed attempt that ended with decent marks. This time was supposed to be different, I was supposed to have my photo in the newspaper.

Instead, the newspaper may just have my time of death.

I worked hard, so what if this is my best? What if I’m just mediocre, or stupid, even?

I’m terrified of anything average, and I absolutely cannot and will not allow myself to be. My parents have demanded excellence most of my childhood, intentionally or unintentionally, that I do not know. So for them to do a 180 degree flip and suddenly pretend like their average child was oh so perfect was a slap in the face.

I want them to yell at me, to be disappointed, to hate me. Why? Because that means that they believe in me, that they can recognise that I can do better.

But now everyone is acting like this is my best, that I’ve outdone myself.

And that. is. terrifying.

But even more than that, I cannot rid myself of the disappointment I feel in myself. This was never supposed to happen, this isn’t real, is what I keep telling myself.

I can’t even bear to look in the mirror because that just confirms that I am Ika and Ika has failed. She will never get another chance at school.

It’s funny, I was lecturing my little sister on being unhappy with what she has, and only chasing what she wants. I forget that I am doing the exact same thing.

I have scored 90%, so to say, yet all I find myself doing is chasing the next 5%. Ignoring so much that I have already achieved.

I stayed alive this past year. That alone has to be enough. Passing 12th is the delectable cherry on top.

This magical thought process isn’t a one-way ticket out of grief and disappointment, those feelings linger still. And I suppose they will linger till I live.

But I refuse to let them consume me. Enough crying about that 1 mark I could have gotten. The world isn’t black and white. I’m living in the grey, and maybe that’s enough for now.