The Year of Adam

Since the age of 5 when I was obsessed with the Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin (may he rest in peace), I have always found something or someone to hyperfixate on as a core element of my personality.

A little more than a year ago, I was in the thick of grad school and all of my real-life friends had moved away. I had no obsession, very few friends around, and very little free time. I was stressed and desperate not to feel depressed and lonely. When I have nothing fun to focus my energy on, I fall pretty rapidly into existential crisis and what exactly I’m supposed to be doing with my life and how I’m supposed to be spending my time. What am I meant to do with the hours that fill each day? How do I evade the ennui that creeps up on me every 4–6 months?

I’ve been a fan of Severance since season 1 aired in 2022. When season 2 aired last year, I found my outlet. I talked about, thought about, and watched Severance all the time. All the time. When the finale aired, I was blown away by Adam Scott’s performance. I remember thinking this might be the best acting I’ve ever seen in my life? The fuck? I’ve been watching this man since Parks was on more than a decade go, and yet I hadn’t noticed. His talent sneaked up on me without warning, despite my being a casual fan of his for so many years.

To be clear, I fought this obsession tooth and nail. I was embarrassed. Am I really going to be obsessed with this random, kind of weird-looking 50+ year old man? Certainly not. I’m in my 30s. I’m a cool lesbian with a career and hobbies. I’m going to rewatch Parks and I’m going to be normal about it.

I was not normal about it. Still, I fought. I finished Parks and thought OK, that’s enough. Except I want to see Party Down; I’ve heard it’s a good show. I watched Party Down. I am not immune to Adam Scott’s charm in Party Down, sorry.

The trajectory of becoming an Adam Scott fan, based on what I’d seen on Twitter, was to watch The Vicious Kind next. Once again, I watched Adam Scott give one of the best performances I had ever seen in my life. At this point, I was mad. One of America’s greatest treasures so unbelievably talented with evidence all the way back in 2009 and almost none of us noticed.

Being a fan of things is cringe. Liking things is embarrassing. I have a lot of deep-seated shame tied up in my obsessions, a feeling that I’m still 5 years old and haven’t quite learned how to grow up yet. Writing this now, and thinking about people reading it, fills me with dread.

Adam Scott has been a guest on my favorite podcast, How Did This Get Made? about a dozen times, and so before Severance I primarily knew him from that. I decided to relisten to his episodes, then, after that, I decided to listen to every episode of every podcast he’s ever been on or hosted. Adam Scott became a voice in my AirPods, carrying me through daily tasks and routines with his slow, gentle cadence and his ability to drag out a joke interminably. I laughed constantly, I learned improved patience. The constant buzzing in my busy brain stilled, helping me focus during grad school, thanks in large part to this man forcing me to slow down, to calm down.

My creativity returned after a long hiatus. I was motivated to write stories, and I made a Twitter account to find other people that would read my stories. I found Adam Scott nation, which was not very difficult as there are only about 25 of us.

I made friends from all over the world, a diverse group of insane people with the same brain worms that I have, the same inexplicable draw to this small man. We started talking every day, building a strange little community.

With the stress of grad school, being broke and working full-time, I made a list titled “After grad school” with things I had been putting off or things I couldn’t afford until I was out of school. On that list was “stalk Adam Scott.” This is a joke; I just meant I would like to see him in person at public events he attends.

Interestingly enough, Adam Scott had a movie coming out on May 1 called Hokum. This is, actually, before I finish grad school, but that’s beside the point.

When it was announced that both Hokum and Adam’s other current film The Saviors would be premiering at South by Southwest in Austin, I thought this might be my only opportunity to see him in person and I need to take it.

Lucky for me, I peer pressured a couple of friends from Adam nation to go with me, I emptied my bank account, flew to Texas, and we had a fucking blast. I was embarrassed at first, wondering if it would be weird to sit around in an Airbnb drinking White Claws and talking in person about how much we love Adam Scott and what we’re writing in our fanfics, but within an hour of putting Adam Scott movies on the TV I was having the time of my life. Nothing is more thrilling than being cringe with friends.

I do this thing where I fantasize scenarios very intently, and I spent probably two or three weeks fantasizing about what it would be like to tell Adam Scott how much he means to me. The only scenario where I could imagine doing this is during a q&a in front of a crowd, because I’ve seen fans of other people do this at conventions. I wrote down what I would say to him and practiced it in my head, visualizing it. One of the things I wrote down is that I love that Adam Scott was a chubby middle schooler who decided he wanted to be an actor, but I was hesitant to say this. He’s self-conscious of what he looked like as a kid, and I thought bringing it up unprompted may sound mean. (Note: he was a very cute kid and there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a lil fat.)

At the premiere of The Saviors at SXSW, my friends and I arrived about two hours early to wait in line. The first person we passed when we arrived was Naomi Scott, Adam Scott’s beautiful wife. My brain short-circuited when this happened. I spent my time in line standing on a wall staring at every tinted-window black SUV that passed by and shouting to my friends which celebrity had just arrived. Unlucky for us, Adam was already inside doing press.

My friends and I sat directly in the middle of the theater for The Saviors. I thought it would be funny for me to dress like Adam, so I was wearing his signature corduroy J. Crew pants (the exact ones he wears; they were very much on sale, which felt like fate), a tucked-in light-blue button down, and white Keds (he wears Sperry sneakers, but Keds are close enough). It was time for a lesbian to look like Adam Scott for a change.

During the movie, there was a scene where Adam Scott’s character’s wife, played by Danielle Deadwyler, points to a picture of him as a kid and says, “Look how fat he was,” and I turned to my friend and aww’ed.

When the movie ended, they did a q&a with the producers, writers, director, and several of the actors. I kept halfheartedly raising my hand every time they asked for questions from the crowd, still unsure of myself.

At the end, the moderator said they had time for one more question, and I missed my opportunity. I thought, oh well, and sat and listened to another person ask a question.

Then, the moderator said, “Actually, we have time for one more.” I shot my hand up. They called on me.

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It went almost exactly as I had fantasized, other than me forgetting how to form coherent sentences about halfway through. I knew I would be able to talk for as long as I wanted, because I knew when the moderator cut me off, Adam would make the joke that he ended up making: “You don’t have to have a question, you’re completely fine, you’re 100 percent fine.”

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Because the film had a joke about Adam being fat as a kid, I was able to tell him how fond I am of chubby middle schooler Adam Scott deciding he wanted to be an actor and sticking with that for his entire life.

I told him he is to me what REM is to him, because Adam Scott is deeply obsessed with the band REM and knows everything about them. I wanted to put my fondness of him in terms he would understand. I also told him I was dressed like him, that I had on the same J. Crew pants he wears all the time, and he said he had the same pair back in his hotel room.

I told him he tends to blame luck for his success, but he’s an exceptional person. I’ve spent the past year listening to every podcast he’s been on and watching all of his filmography, and what I’ve learned is that he was great from the start. I told him his talent is only matched by his discipline, drive (REM reference), and determination to be where he is in his career, then I lost the ability to speak. I wanted to tell him he’s not the lucky one, we are. That the art he makes has had a huge impact on my life as does his humility, grace, and work ethic. Instead, I said he changed my life or something, I don’t know.

He thanked me; the q&a ended.

The thing about doing something you’ve dreamed of doing is that once the adrenaline wears off, it’s scary. I became incredibly anxious that I was too weird and that I freaked everyone out. I worried that Adam Scott might secretly be a terrible person, and now I’ve just told a terrible person how amazing they are. I spiraled. Even with picture proof of him smiling at me while I talked to him, I panicked.

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Something happens to your body, too, when you spend several days being nervous and trying desperately to meet your favorite celebrity. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t focus, couldn’t sleep, my face broke out for two weeks, I looked a little emaciated. Time of my life.

The come-down was also tough now knowing how awesome it is to hang out with members of Adam nation and then just returning to my regular life. So, when it was announced that Adam Scott would be at Miami Film Festival and the cost of the ticket was pennies compared to SXSW, I bought two immediately. It helped that I would be in between fieldworks for school and therefore didn’t even have to ask for time off to go to Miami for three days. I was quickly becoming the luckiest Adam Scott fan on earth, a stroke of fortune I do not take lightly.

I peer pressured another friend from Adam nation to come with me to Miami, because in addition to wanting to see Adam Scott in person as much as possible, I also want to meet all of Adam nation and want them to also see Adam Scott in person as much as possible. I have become singularly focused on this with a laser intensity that is perhaps outsized for the occasion.

In Miami, we watched Hokum the first night we were there. We knew Adam Scott would not be there, but when we got off the elevator, the first person we saw was, once again, Naomi Scott. I wanted to talk to her, but my girlfriend told me not to. Then, coincidentally, Naomi stood behind my girlfriend in line while I was on the phone, and my girlfriend talked to Naomi. Sure, OK.

For context, my girlfriend and I drove 13 hours to Miami and almost immediately went to the theater to watch Hokum. I had not eaten in hours and ordered a large glass of wine to drink during the film.

After the movie ended, everyone in my group went to the bathroom except for me. Alone, I spotted Naomi Scott in the lobby and walked right up to her.

I told her I was sorry to bother her but I had one glass of wine and my girlfriend left me unsupervised, and I told her I was the one at The Saviors q&a that was dressed like her husband. She laughed at this and remembered me, and I told her I had been anxious in the aftermath thinking I was too weird, and she assured me it was very flattering. She asked for my name and asked if I lived in Miami (no), then she asked if I was there for the film festival (umm), and I didn’t know how to tell her in a normal way that girl, didn’t you hear me bloviating to Adam about how much I love him in Austin? I drove 13 hours just to see your husband. Her 19-year-old son walked up, and I said hi to him (by name) and said I’m sorry I know who you are, I’m a huge fan of your dad and I’m being weird right now. He then said, “People have been way weirder, you’re fine.”

Both of them were extremely gracious and kind to me, and I do not know why other than attributing it to them genuinely being kind people. I asked Naomi if there would be an opportunity for autographs and pictures at the conversation with Adam the next day, and she said she didn’t know. I felt stupid and greedy for asking. She then said, “He’s not here right now,” and I tried to say jokingly, “He’s in Vegas, we know” because Adam nation knows where he is at any given time, but without giving her context I’m sure I sounded like a lunatic. We know, like she has any idea who the “we” is that I’m referring to. I said Hokum was great and that I’d seen it twice, then I awkwardly excused myself while they laughed at me. Later I realized that Naomi reminded me so much of my sister, and much of my behavior was just me going into little sister mode with her.

The next evening was a conversation with Adam Scott in a room with a few hundred people. We sat on the front row. About half an hour before it started, I went outside to get water and spotted Adam doing press down the escalator. I asked a security guard if I was allowed to go down there, and she said it was fine. I then stood with photographers and reporters and awkwardly made eye contact with Naomi Scott at one point and then shamefully looked away. I took pictures to send to Adam nation, reporting live on the ground. I saw other fans get autographs right in front of me, but when I pulled out my sharpie, a handler told me to scram. Fair.

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At the conversation, sitting in the front row, I cheered when Adam brought up a project he and his wife did in 2012 called The Greatest Event in Television History, and Adam turned directly toward me and asked, “Really?” and I shrugged in a kind of defiant “what?” gesture and he laughed. Then, the moderator brought up the Severance season 2 finale and his tone of voice suggested he did not particularly like the ending, and I was not going to sit there and listen to some nonsense about (spoilers) how innie Mark should’ve sacrificed himself and left with a woman he doesn’t know instead of staying behind with the love of his life (can you tell I ship Mark and Helly), and so when the crowd got quiet at the moderator’s tone about the finale, I loudly cheered. Other people began cheering, too. Adam once again turned to me, I pumped my fist in the air, and he laughed. The moderator did not bring up the ending.

After the conversation, Adam milled about onstage and fans walked up to him. He started signing stuff, so I beelined it to the stage with my pictures and an REM vinyl cover. (Note: When I learned from Adam’s podcast that REM’s lead singer is gay, I quickly became a pretty annoying fan of the band, and while the queer themes in their music resonate with me, I am now very much out of touch with my peers.) Adam has a kind of polite customer-service voice for talking to fans, which threw me off a bit. Again, I’m used to hearing this man be very silly on podcasts. I told him I was the one who was dressed like him at The Saviors q&a, and he said he remembered me and asked if I wanted stuff signed. I told him the picture was of him looking at me. He asked if I wanted the REM vinyl signed, too, and I was surprised by his generosity and told him yes if he didn’t mind.

I then said, “I also have this silly picture, I promise I’m not selling stuff online, I’m just not a casual fan at all.” He broke character when he saw the funny picture, laughing and saying, “Oh my god” as he signed it. I word-vomited some more about how I was sorry I talked to his wife and son the night before and that I’m obsessed with him, and he asked if I wanted a picture and I was once again surprised by his graciousness and patience with me.

Eventually I remembered other people exist and I grabbed my friend for her to meet him, then I pushed myself out of the swarm so other people could have their chance. Later, I was handed my sharpie back and told that Adam had been looking for me because he realized he had stolen my sharpie. I mailed the silly picture of him to one of my friends in Adam nation, because god knows I don’t need all this stuff on my Adam Scott wall.

Adam stayed until every single fan got pictures, autographs, handshakes. He repeatedly asked the crowd if everyone got what they wanted. I suddenly felt less embarrassed about asking Naomi if there would be a chance for pictures and autos, now seeing in person his generosity and kindness with fans.

Afterward, I couldn’t help but wish I had brought 20 more things for him to sign. I wish I had gotten something signed for every member of Adam Scott nation. I wish every one of my friends could experience what I experienced.

For the first time in my life, I’m obsessed with something that is making me more generous, more gracious, gentler, more creative, and more driven and ambitious. I’m being bold. I’m shedding my insecurities that I’m being embarrassing. I’m seeing my friends work creatively together, writing and drawing and running very professional Instagram accounts and engaging in art in a way that is rare and somehow motivated by our shared interest, inspired by Adam’s own determination and hard work.

During all of this, I met my girlfriend Christa. Last year, I was determined to find someone to dress up with me as Severance characters for Halloween. I ended up convincing my friends, but I got on dating apps to try to find a Helly to my Mark. I put a comment about Severance on my profile.

Funnily enough, my girlfriend and I had matched on Hinge months before she actually messaged me. It wasn’t until I put the comment about Severance that she messaged me for the first time, about the show. We clicked immediately.

I’m not one to hide my obsessions, but a couple years ago I dated someone that was particularly mean and irrationally jealous about the things I liked. I didn’t date anyone for about two years after her, because I was worried I was too strange, that I would never find anybody that would put up with me. She tore me down and made me self-conscious in a way I’ve never felt in my life.

When I started listening to Adam Scott’s podcast, U Talkin’ U2 to Me? and the subsequent podcasts about other bands, I remembered how freeing it is to like things unabashedly. Adam told a story on one episode about being at his wife’s apartment when they were dating and looking up information about REM on a message board, and his cohost Scott Aukerman laughed and asked, “Why is she with you?” Adam said he didn’t know and then praised her patience.

While it wasn’t Adam alone that made me regain my confidence, he certainly helped. When I met Christa, I didn’t hide my obsessive personality. Within a month of dating, she was referring to Adam Scott as “our guy.” Repeatedly people have said “she must really love you” when I explain to them the nonsense she’s put up with me doing. I’ve learned that I can be myself, that I can engage in my interests no matter how silly they are, and I can still be loved and cherished and not torn down or made to be small.

In Miami, Adam Scott got onstage and praised his wife for how much better she’s made his life and how lucky he is to have her. I felt incredibly jealous. I want a job where I can get onstage and tell people how much I love my partner.

Unfortunately, Christa was not exactly thrilled with me when I told her I would be going to New York City for one day to, once again, see Adam Scott. More than anything, she just worries about me. But my friends had extra front-row tickets to see Hokum on May 1 with a follow-up q&a with Adam and the director (Damian McCarthy) after the film, and they assured me I needed to be there or else Adam would be sad about empty seats on the front row (doubtful that he cares, but I fear this worked on me).

Getting to New York is not difficult for me, as one of my friends lives in Philly and lets me crash on her couch whenever, and another friend lives in Brooklyn. Again, I am currently the luckiest Adam stan on earth. I drove to Philly after work on a Thursday, took a train into NYC on Friday afternoon, then took a train back to Philly at 3 a.m.

So in the 11 hours I spent in New York, I met up with friends and partied and then went to see Hokum while sitting on the front row wearing U Talkin’ U2 to Me? t-shirts.

Adam nation is international, and two of our members went to Cannes a couple weeks ago and wore the same U Talkin’ shirts, and Adam spotted them in the crowd and then later commented on their shirts.

Then, my friends in New York went to see him on the Today show and stood behind him outside in their U Talkin’ shirts. At the Hokum q&a, Adam did not seem even remotely surprised that there were three women on the front row wearing U Talkin’ shirts. I believe someone warned him.

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At the movie theater in New York, my friend pulled out Hokum bracelets she had made, and I, being naturally very loud and certainly not sober, announced that there were bracelets for people who wanted them. Several people came to get bracelets, many of them friends from Severance Twitter, but some of them just strangers who thought we had something to do with promoting the film, like, officially.

We met an associate producer of The Saviors, who told me she remembered me from the q&a at SXSW and then she kept saying, “Kevin loves you, he kept talking about you afterward,” to which I replied like an idiot, “Who’s Kevin?” Kevin is the director of the upcoming Adam Scott film The Saviors.

At the Hokum q&a, Adam Scott made direct eye contact with me and my non-sober self thought, “He’s looking at me like he definitely recognizes me,” so I lifted my hand in a wave and said “hi,” and yes everyone in my life has been justifiably laughing at me about this for several days now.

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After it was over, my friend from Australia was able to get her Torque dvd signed, but we didn’t try to flag Adam down for anything else. (I wanted to hand him a picture of him signing a picture for me, as I think this would be a great bit. Oh well, next time.) Notably, he did not use his customer-service voice when apologizing to my friend that she flew all the way from Australia with a Torque dvd. I believe he could tell that we were fans.

Am I in a cult? Possibly. Is my name on a list somewhere to be on the lookout for me whenever Adam Scott goes anywhere? Also possibly.

I have assured my girlfriend that I will be this insane and possibly more so when Severance season 3 press begins. The goal is for Adam Scott to say “Hi, Maddi” at an upcoming event. Godspeed.