idea: listening is not agreeing (Shafiee Razali)

Welcome!

I’m writing this after a week that witnessed me FINALLY passing my motorcycle test after a year and 8 tries. I’m not kidding when I say it was my champions league.

I’m still thinking about the lessons I’m meant to learn from the whole experience. But it’s such a great flex for anyone to be able to say:

I failed to (fill in anything here) 7 times, and still tried my best every time.

…that I might actually put it on my resume 😂 but real talk? I’m just so so glad I didn’t have to go for number 9.

champions league trophy presentation

Anyway, on to the idea for the week. I return to this idea all the time – hope you like it too.

-zaid

This week’s idea is brought to you by: people I really really really disagree with but still care about

I’ve been blessed with wonderful teachers, mentors and bosses through my life, each of whom have taught me something I still hold close. This week’s idea comes from my boss Shafiee when we worked at a youth mentoring organisation in Singapore.

Youth work & good listening

Youth work is built on good listening.

It’s a combination of factors:

• youth hate being told what to do
• youth are constantly figuring out who they are, what they believe in and where they belong
• youth are ALWAYS being told what to do

Want to be an effective youth worker? You have no choice but to listen – regardless of what background the youth comes from.

But what if you don’t like what you hear?

listening is not the same as agreeing

What if what you hear is harmful, offensive, wrong or destructive?

I’m planning to quit school.

My teacher is a b****.

I tried drugs yesterday.

My boss wouldn’t have said then you should listen. He would have told us that if that’s the case, it’s even more important that you must listen.

boss Shafiee with more wise words (in Malay)

If you want to have any chance of changing what was just said, or even being heard after, you must first listen to the thing you disagree with. Like, really listen and not just wait for your turn to speak. But withold judgement just for that moment, and listen to understand. Say:

oh, thank you for sharing. tell me more.

Only then will you stand a chance. The only way to do this though, is to fully accept this idea that Shafiee shared with us back then:

Listening is not the same as agreeing.

but…

There are three extra thoughts that help this idea make sense for me.

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

First: Not everyone deserves this. You can’t do this all the time, to everyone. But if you want to be part of the conversation, you have to listen.

Second: Your reaction is completely separate from your listening. You can choose how to react after you’ve listened. Listening is listening.

Third: You react better if you listen well.

Ironically, it’s 10x harder to listen well when you truly do care – whether it’s about the person or the issue. That’s why we have the biggest arguments with the people we love about most the causes we care about most.

But that’s how you know it is important enough…when we put all that aside to just listen.

anyway, that’s the idea,

zaid

random scraps that didn’t make the cut but i’m putting them here anw:

why listening is dangerous

We’re living in a Main Character Energy world, where if you aren’t the Main Character then you, alongside everyone else, is a NPC.

Main Characters have plot armour, all the right opinions and all the best lines (think Tony Stark). It makes sense then that no self-respecting main character has to waste time and energy actually listening to anyone else. We don’t need to listen, we’re just waiting for our turn to speak.

Because once you truly listen? You’ll never be the main character again.