I’m on my Beyonce ish when starting this diet

Today is the start of a new journey. Basically, I am late y’all. This is very reminiscent of a New Years resolution, but we are smack dab in the middle of February (or rather beginning). So, I guess this doesn’t count as a new years resolution. Some people like to call dieting a lifestyle or a lifestyle change/reformation. In the words of Beyonce, let me get in formation then. I am going on a diet!

How did I get here? I was going through the rabbit hole that is my usual google search fare and ended up reading about Beyonce and a couple of the diets that she has tried. I zoomed in on both of her past diets but have decided to kick start my weight loss journey with the Master Cleanse diet. It is also referred to as the Maple Syrup diet and Lemonade Diet. I might be calling it the Hood Lemonade Diet or Poor Chicks juice fast (PCJ for short). I am calling it that because instead of using maple syrup, I am using regular pancake syrup which has more calories than the maple variety. This is what I have on hand and I am not using any excuses or self-imposed barriers like needing to head to the store. I need to start this diet right now! Period.

I’ve made my very first glass of poor chick juice and it contains two tablespoons of Lemon juice that I got from a bottle and measured out using my handy measuring spoon. It also has one tablespoon of original pancake syrup (50 calories) and a pinch of cayenne pepper. I have it sitting inside of my refrigerator right now; ready, willing and waiting for me to consume.

So far I have only had water today, a trickle if you will and decided to start posting here prior to downing the PCJ. I wonder how it will taste but I more so wonder if I can do this and accomplish my weight loss goals. I have never fasted (to my recollection) and plan on drinking up to nine glasses of the juice each day. No food. Only additions will be plain ole water. I am aiming at doing this for the next 10 days.

I am currently 248.6 pounds and at my heaviest (a month or two ago) I was almost 269 pounds. I started having increased financial difficulties basically super broke chick status which led me to not being able to afford as much eating out as I had been doing. I think that is what led to me losing around twenty pounds which I am very happy about. But since the wieght loss I have been all up and down the 240’s and not seeing a progressive downward trend on the scale.

To be completely transparent my life has been thrown under a bus and ran over repeatedly in recent times. I went from struggling financially, to super broke chick to totally being in the worst financial situation of my life. My bank account isn’t even on empty it’s on extra negative debt status. It’s like having nothing to maximum capacity. I didn’t even know how I was going to survive when it came to food at all, but I am very blessed that just in the nick of time I was approved for food stamps (a total look at Jesus moment).

Once I got my food stamps, I called a friend up and requested an excursion to the grocery store. I currently do not have a car, and the grocery store was closing in five minutes when I got there. To say I wildly just threw things in the cart is almost an understatement. After my haul and putting everything away I realized that I didn’t buy anything of substance. I had snack cakes galore, tons of carbs and sodas. I’ve since consumed the bulk of it and last night I went to Outback Steakhouse on a $50 gift card that I had and went wild. I ordered a 6 oz steak, baked potato with cheese and butter, a 6 oz glass of Pinot Noir, two glasses of Coke, a Caesar salad with extra honey mustard dressing and a brownie with ice cream to polish me off. I also took the bread to go along with half of my entree home with me. I was full to the brim. $10 left on the gift card though so there’s that.

Between my inept grocery trip and the luxurious Outback meal something in me is on high alert. My life is in a complete disarray. I was hospitalized from the start of the year until the middle of January. I haven’t been proud of a lot of my decision making. Not only when it comes to food but in many other areas also. My job was a temporary contract position, and it ended while I was in the hospital. I had been hoping for an extension. But boom, didn’t happen. I missed out on almost two paychecks with my hospital stay. In true desperation and addiction, I high tailed it to the nearest casino as soon as I got home from the hospital. Needless to say, the little money that I had went up in flames in a couple of hours at the casino. I highly recommend that no one gambles ever. Gambling is one of the worst addictions ever. That’s my public service announcement. I also have been smoking since I have been released. All bad habits must end! I want to be rid of smoking, gambling, bad financial decisions and bad decisions when it comes to who I let into my life or friendship circle.

What can I focus on right now? What can I do? I am unemployed with 0 dollars. Instead of wallowing and crying and thinking my life is officially over even though I am very much still alive, I need to do something. Something different and something hopefully better. I am not recommending that you or anyone else go on the dieting treks that I plan on starting today. I am not a professional and when it comes to whether or not this is healthy in general is out of my realm of expertise. I am just a girl trying to lose weight and revamp my entire life for the better. I want to turn my sob story into a victorious sob story because there very well may still be tears but I want to make better choices. I want to be better. I literally cried just earlier today. I am talking bawling and, on the floor, and complete ugly crying. I needed that.

I stayed up all night half thinking about my life and watching my 600 lb life. I feel for their lives and their stories. I feel for my own life story. Dealing with addictions is awful. It is also against who I think I am. It makes me feel like a fraud. Who am I that I smoke, gamble, engage in risky self-destructive behaviors? Shouldn’t I stop self-proclaiming myself to be the downtrodden of society? Who am I to be obese? Who am I to keep eating like this? On top of it all, I am a Christian, so the guilt is extra real that I am not all that good of a person. What am I even doing with my life?

I realize that I can see this as an opportunity rather than all the bad thoughts that seek to flood my mind. “You’re finished” “This is the end of you” “How will you ever make it out of this with 0 dollars?” To name a few these are the thoughts that want to devour me. I’ve decided I am going to start blogging about my journey to quit my “bad self” so that my glorious new good self can come out and thrive.

Ready to be inside of my chrysalis with me? I’m trying to be a pretty little butterfly with lavender wings flying around.

Now time to go take a sip of the lemonade…how poetic, since life has been lobbing me lemons

I’m on my Beyonce ish