Social Lessons Life in Lagos Will Teach You.

Lagos is not just a fast-paced city; it’s a survival test festooned with flashing lights, soft life, loud music, and dramatic gbas gbos (chaos). The latter cannot be avoided, lai lai!. It comes to you like home delivery on valentine’s day at the doorstep of a promiscuous girl; ‘surprise, surprise!’

Some people are ‘packages’, a very well-put together atomic bomb waiting for you to decorate your home with it and then, Kaboom! But this same Lagos is where who you know is more important than what you know. This reality will leave you discombobulated on weather you should cut off that toxic boy that calls himself your friend but disregards you, even though you have access to top notch knacks through him, or that girl from the slum, a butterfly who now thinks herself a bird because you took her under your wings after you discovered her talent at getting into reserved spaces, and letting her fuck with your exes, now she thinks she can talk shit behind your back, but you can’t let her go because she takes dope pictures of you and posts you on her socials which earns you visibility in the spaces that you need… It’s a hard call like that sometimes, right?

NEWSFLASH! There is no fence-sitting in Lagos! You are either invisible and living your best life or you are a social butterfly on the blogs every other day, if you miss the major blogs, you are most definitely in the DM-blogs of social media baddies playing judge and jury on your case, sharing your insta profile and digging deep into your life, down to that hospital you were born at Ayetoro before you ‘fucked’ your way into who you think you are now!

Yes! Being successful in Lagos is attributed to how hard you fucked, not worked; if you think I am lying, hit it big, get celebrated then offend one instagram baddie and you will use your ears to see things that will make your mind go blind.

Soft-life is expensive, e dey enter eye! Of course people are curious, but some people are more curious than others. They will gravitate to you, be friendly with you, blend in, work your mind like a charm school and when they have all that they need, Kaboom- poster-colour practicals! You begin to see their true colours that didn’t exist prior! The ones leaking secrets, the ones stabbing you in the back, the dupes, the thieves, the envious, the leaches, the ones giving advice meant for you to everybody else but you that is in need of it, ha ncha! Sorrow, sorrow ’n’ prayers will be your next of kin by the time you work your way out of over-explaining to people who knew that those persons were not good for you but kept quiet because you do not listen, you are a goodie-two-shoes that do not love yourself.

Everybody in Lagos is playing games, Ludo. You must play or be played! Let’s leave the blood of Jesus out of this, you might plead it in the morning, e no go reach 2pm, you don slip and fall yakata for inside person trap! I have nothing against believers, but Matthew 10:16 says ‘be ye gentle as doves, but wise as serpents’. If you are gentle as a dove and forget to be wise as serpent, with werey to dish as e dey hot, you will be battered and bruised!

Be a one man squad! If you are not a celebrity artist, you have no business having a lot of people having access to you, and your personal space. Some cordialities should end at the party/ rave or hang outs. Some should end after you’ve got the ‘thing’ that made it linger, otherwise, stay guarded! You might look like a stuck up bitch, ehn! Agreed!

Know the friends you keep! Know them to the teeth! — You know how they say keep your friends close and your enemies closer? You may be the enemy being kept closer pending a perfect day to deliver that fatal strike. No matter how pretentious a con artist can be, their words and actions can be very revealing, pay close attention.

If it is top secret, leave it buried in your chest! No dey shalaye! If you cannot keep it to yourself, how do you trust another person to hold the gist for you? Especially if you keep self-acclaimed investigative journalists as friends. The ones that be on their beds in Apapa and know all the guests that attended a celebrity’s party in Ikoyi, na dem you dey call for phone dey gist them say you no sleep inside cell? say dem rent house for you near prison? Say Giant of Africow knack you for free? In these hard times? E be like say you no want peace, you want problem!

Cut people off with a quickness! If they move funny around you, if you perceive contempt, disdain, disrespect, disregard, and you have approached them on that feeling and you can still see no changes, you can still feel, hear, and sense BS, Block! Delete! cut them off, fiam! No explanations needed. They are not your siamese, you were fine before them, you will be after them. This place is not a place where you will be harbouring a potential problem and be patching your emotions like a pauper’s favourite jeans.

Being intentional with that trusted small circle that you have is an underrated flex! From sharing experiences, opportunities, and memories to gifts — both material gifts and service. The essence of this is sieving out the noise, to focus on people and things and really matter to you, nuanced friendships that stand the test of time with the right nurturing.

You should be networking to upgrade your life financially and socially, not just for the knacks. Nobody says hitting the sack once in a while with someone with shared interests is wrong, but so long as it is not love, (even if it is) try make sure say there is something worthwhile in it for you. Don’t just do it because dem dey wash your head. So if they drag you for knacking with people’s partners, you will hear it with an airpod in one ear, from an air-conditioned room, butt naked with eyes on netflix and another person’s partner that you are about to rinse and repeat in boundless peace!. Before you follow my advice, please reside in an estate with one-time access code, because they can show up at your door, beat your aboki at the gate then beat crase commot from your head! If they cannot do that, your debtor will send their sister working in the bank to arrest you for defamation, you go leave your money begin beg police!

Lagos will humble you, but no matter what, one thing you must do is reinvent yourself and always bounce back! Na we gather put for this Lagos! You can share your experiences or lessons. Let’s learn from you as well.