Getting in on the act

I’m Getting Into the Tariff Business

It seems easy to do, very lucrative, and I can be as random as the next person

All you need is a cardboard display and a large permanent marker to make millions. Perhaps billions. Photo by Markus Winkler on Unsplash

I’m busy forming a company called “Tariff for Uve Inc.” and will heretofore be levying tariffs against a variety of situations, Governments, corporations, and individuals, where clearly needed.

With no time to waste, here is my list of retaliatory tariffs against the USA:

Calling the USA, “America” as if there are no other countries on the continent that count, 200%.

Editor’s Note: From here on, where I say “American/America,” I mean USA.

I am placing a 50% tariff on Americans who pronounce it aluminum when in fact it is aluminium.

I am placing a 35% tariff on all American’s who inject Trump into the conversation as if the rest of the world gives a shit.

I am placing a 100% tariff on Americans who enter a social media portal and brag that America is the greatest or has the best army, when the reality is that it has not won a war since Russia and the UK won WWII for them. And it is not the greatest in any sense of the word.

When eating abroad, any U.S. citizen who requests an addition to their dish, requests it on the side, or requests a modification to their chosen menu option, or states they’re allergic (instead of saying they do not like something), I will be slapping a 32.5% tariff on the entire bill.

If an American says, “The customer is always right,” 200%. In addition, complaints about European service, the lack of a glass of water at the table, no ice, or no bottomless drinks, a further 150%.

An 80% tariff on Americans who think they are the best at stadium anthems or golf games because they can all chant — USA, USA … followed by USA, USA, and then a little more USA, USA. Go to any UK football match and learn how to chant properly from the Stands. Give me a “U” followed by “S” and “A”, is also an 80% tariff, as is whooping uncontrollably.

Having fake white teeth that look like neon lighting strips combined with terrible facial cosmetic surgery — 40%. Rather give that money to poor kids in Africa. It makes the world a better place.

I am also advocating that mirrors be zero-rated for USA citizens so they can see how hideous they (mostly) look after facial cosmetic surgery.

America … you don’t look younger, you just look weirder.

Calling an arse/bum a fanny — 200%.

Calling any sports event that only your country participates in “A World Series” — 73.6%.

Using the phrase — “Have a nice day” when you don’t give a shit, 112%. And if you did mean it, you can take a 50% reduction on that tariff, but not all of it, because it is still bloody annoying.

Calling Velveeta, cheese. Or any yellow slice of plastic processed garbage, cheese, — 333%. Along with cheese fries and cheeseburgers.

And while I am at it, bastardising ALL Italian deli words like mozzarella and calling it mozzzzarellll or whatever — 10,000%.

Calling a chicken or fish burger a chicken sandwich but a burger with a patty, a burger — 250% for ambiguity. They’re all burgers!

For inventing Root Beer as a drink — 8000%. It should only be sold as a drain cleaner.

Supplying Hershey’s, or any American brown squares of whateveritis and calling it chocolate, when in fact it tastes like frozen margarine, camel cum, and vomit, mixed, and is definitely not chocolate, … 100%.

4000% for getting the day/date the wrong way around. It is day, month, year. Smallest to largest. Not the second largest, then smallest, and then the largest. Things either ascend or descend … they do not bounce around.

9/11 did not happen in November.

Calling a game where you wear a crash helmet and padding, and run with the ball under your arm and forward pass, (contact) football, 250%. It is either USA Rugby or USA Field Ballet for those with Larger Testicles.

Taking 10 hours to play 9 innings of baseball, when it should take an hour, is 1000% for time wasting.

For not being able to hold a knife and fork like a normal human without looking spastic — 25%. But if you cut your meat and then put down your knife, change hands, and eat the remainder of the meal with one hand and only the fork, 55%.

If you say “a bunch of” instead of the actual numerical value, 33%. But if in the same sentence you say “you’re trying 110%,” instead of the 100% maximum, it climbs to 653%.

For saying anything that is not on the metric table — be it distance, weight, or volume … 123%.

If John, or James, or whatever, call their sons John Junior, or John II, III … 1000%.

Saying “Addicting” instead of ADDICTIVE … 40%.

If you discount the “H” in herb, and say “ERB” … 500% for each time up to 3 times in one sentence. And also for removing the “U” in Colour/favour ad infinitum for all omitted letters.

Saying Rout instead of ROUTE when describing a road or destination … 33%.

Replacing an “S” with a “Z” for no reason, 28%.

Calling a tyre, a tire, or a cheque a check and any such abomination — 40%.

Screaming, “Get in the hole” at golf tournaments — 72%. One percent for each hole of a modern tournament.

Calling Bud Lite, a beer — 800%. And for not calling all American beer, PISS … 900%.

For not being able to pronounce Liqueur … 25% and be forced to drink 500 ml of Fernet Branca mixed with 250 ml of Pastis, in one go, as liqueur is a French word bastardised by the USA, and because Fernet Branca is just plain horrible. And we need you to stop and learn the lesson. And because USA citizens confuse Italy and France waaayyyyy to much.

Using an American Football field as a measurement for area, 33%. As in, “It was 5 football fields tall.”

Adding the word “Back” to horse riding, as if there was another place to sit on the horse, 44%.

Calling everything from Scotland, … SCOTCH … including its population and a house. As in,

I saw a lovely SCOTCH man in a kilt skirt come out of a SCOTCHish house — 50%.

It’s just a kilt, people, not a kilt skirt.

Any mention of a country as a city, 400%. As in, — is Cape Town a great country to visit? Any mention of a city, followed by the country, as in “I saw the Eiffel Tower in Paris, France” — 1000%.

For not learning geography outside of the USA, unless you bomb or invade it, 300%.

For calling a biscuit, a “cookie” — 200%. A cookie can be a biscuit, but not all biscuits are cookies. And a scone can never be a biscuit.

And finally, for voting for Trump — 5000%.

And for those who read my previous piece about Trump and are now questioning my position on such matters. You are well advised to question my stance. I have opted to do a “Trump” on your ass and flip-flop as and when I feel the need.

My tariffs begin effective immediately (Yes, that is how an American would say it.)

We will use the honour system and assume, as honest citizens, that you will count up your transgressions, self-audit yourself, and pay accordingly.

Uve out.

Please send all tariff payments to UVELAND Inc., Coutts Private Bank, IBAN No. 20000348737363789 using the Ref. — Ifuckedup.