To Build a Just and Equitable Society, We Cannot Make Exceptions

There are no “buts” when it comes to humanity.

Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

Too often these days I find myself in the position of defending someone I think is annoying from someone I know is dangerous.

This is the opening line of Brandy Jensen’s article in the Yale Review entitled “The Polycrisis: Why can’t we stop talking about nonmonogamy?” Go read it. It’s interesting.

That said, I want to expand upon the opening line, which I think is far too iconic to be the opener for what is ultimately mostly just a gripe about polyamory.

I find myself having to defend the honor of people — human beings — that I find annoying or obnoxious or distasteful from people who want them to die. Like, in a literal sense.

The range of people who I may find myself defending is as colorful and varied as it can often be annoying and insufferable. It includes everyone from furries (people I find, at worst, generally annoying but harmless, and genuinely good, welcoming, open folks at best) to nerdy white men with zero social graces who most people find entirely insufferable for any number of reasons (you likely know the stereotype — Sheldon Cooper probably comes to mind as a pop culture example).

These are people that many in modern society at large find distasteful for one reason or another. Creepy nerds. Swingers and poly folks. Furries. People on the autism spectrum who just sort of act in weird or offputting ways. Bisexuals, pansexuals, asexuals, aromantics, and other queer folx who can sometimes find themselves ostracized from more “mainstream” queer circles.

Then there’s those who most people look at with scorn, distaste, or a sort of feckless pity, no matter how progressive or forward-thinking they are. Unhoused people. Kids in foster care. People who are addicted to something — drugs, alcohol, gambling, you name it. People who have spent significant time in jail or prison.

All of these people commonly find themselves othered by large parts of society — whether it’s the general public or places and groups where they really should feel more welcome.

We need to stop.

An equitable society does not start by excluding people based on some aspect of their humanity.

You can’t say that you are welcoming and supportive of everyone and then exclude homeless people. Or Catholics. Or nerds. Or people with mental illnesses. Or addicts. Or furries. Or trans folx. You don’t get to pick and choose if you want to build equity and justice.

I think we really need to properly embrace the whole “build a longer table, not a bigger wall” mentality as a society, but particularly for those of us on the progressive side of things. Many of us belong to “out groups” like LGBTQIA+, chronic illness, or neurodivergent communities, all of which are under attack from various groups and spaces. Generally speaking, we can’t afford to exclude broad swaths of our community when all of us are under attack.

For my community — that of neurodivergence — I feel like excluding people for being socially weird or inept closes off a large chunk of people from what could be a supportive community. And, since a lot of them are men, they tend to wind up running to harmful idiots like Elon Musk as their example of what their particular brand of awkward neurodivergence could be.

Elon Musk is a terrible person. Don’t be like him.

However, this habit often winds up being reflected in other communities. Full disclosure: I’m a straight dude, this next bit is all based on observation.

I see a lot of bi erasure in queer spaces, and while it’s getting better, I’ve noticed other queer folx have found themselves left out as the alphabet expands. Lots of people, even in queer spaces, don’t understand asexuality or demisexuality and may exclude or look down on ace and demi folx.

As far as I can tell, queerness is under attack from those on the political right, particularly in the USA, and that’s the party with a lot of power in a lot of places right now. I may not be LGBTQIA+, but it seems to me that excluding large swaths of your community is a bad idea when lots of people on the other end of politics want to see you literally die.

(All of that said, people claiming to be MAPs — that is to say, pedophiles — do not belong in queer spaces in any conceivable way. Being a pedophile does not even remotely fall into the same category as being LGBTQIA+. End of statement.)

This is a good place to point out that making exceptions for humanity is inclusive of the people we dislike. I am a pacifist who strongly opposes the death penalty. And, while it brings me much internal conflict and frustration, that includes opposing the death penalty for pedophiles and rapists.

I know lots of people who will joke about being anti-death penalty — unless, of course, they’re a pedophile, in which case, “line ’em up and shoot ‘em.”

No. That’s the thinking of oppressors. Declaring your principles and then excluding one group of people from those principles is how we get genocides.

You do not have to like someone to treat them as a human being with inherent rights that come with being human. Treating someone as sub-human, worthy only of an ignoble death from a bullet to the head, is how right-wingers and fascists think. I don’t care who they are, they are worthy of some level of humanity.

You don’t have to tolerate intolerance. We’ve been down that road, that whole issue is solved. Put simply: people who act with intolerance toward you or your group have broken the social contract and do not get the benefits of that contract. You can read more about that here.

We really do, however, need to acknowledge the basic humanity of everyone. No exceptions. Not for incels, not for fascists, not for pedophiles or murderers. Not even for Donald Trump, however monstrous and disgusting a person he is and no matter how much you loathe his mere existence in the world.

You may hate it, and that’s fine. I hate it too. I hate having to acknowledge that literal Nazis, creatures who are seemingly made entirely of hatred, are people too.

I think that it’s important to do so, though. Acknowledging that the people who want to see you die are, in fact, people, human beings, reminds us that humanity is capable of great and terrible things. It also reminds us that there is very little separating us from each other, and that there is the capacity in all of us for a wide variety of actions.

If one thing in my life had gone differently at a particular time, I could’ve been a manosphere incel. Or maybe a white supremacist. I don’t know what could’ve sent me in that direction or when it would’ve had to happen, but I recognize that there is the capacity for that mindset to take hold in me based on my demographics. I could’ve been an absolute monster on the level of Stephen Miller, but instead I wound up how I am.

Just as it is important to remember that we are a few missed paychecks from being homeless, it is also important to remember that we are guided in large part by the circumstances of our lives, and that sometimes, those circumstances lead us to horrible places.

For those of us on the left, seeking to make the world more just and equitable for everyone, we really need to get going on that longer table. Human rights aren’t pie — more rights for some people doesn’t mean fewer rights for you. Applying the same basic human rights to everyone lifts us all.

I encourage you to think back to a point where someone was kind to you when they didn’t have to be. How did that impact you? What kind of difference did it make in your life?

Extending a hand to someone who may not deserve it won’t change the trajectory of every life, but it will have a bigger effect than I think many people realize. Some people simply need someone to be kind to them, to acknowledge their basic humanity, to have a deep, resounding effect on their worldview.

Being cruel to someone for any reason is basically never warranted — when your instinct is to be cruel, stop and think if the person truly deserves it or if you’re just looking for an excuse to hate someone. I’m willing to bet that 999 out of a thousand times, it’s the latter.

That said, people like to throw around quotes like “in a world where you can be anything, be kind,” and “it costs you nothing to be kind.” The thing is, being kind to everyone all the time is fucking hard, y’all.

Some people will reject your kindness, sometimes multiple times, and some people will never accept it no matter what you do. Others will throw your kindness back in your face or try to exploit it as a weakness. They may take advantage of it, using and exploiting you without reciprocation until your kindness runs dry before moving onto the next victim.

However, we can never stop working toward justice and equity in this world. That means many things. Building a table to accommodate all of us. Making sure we are all fed and housed. Ensuring that Liberty and Justice for All really does mean ALL, forever.

But it all starts with acknowledging our humanity and the humanity of everyone else. Yes, everyone. That includes all of the people we hate. Even those who don’t deserve it. Especially those who don’t deserve it. Pedophiles, Nazis, narcissists, and sociopaths who will never even remotely acknowledge the humanity of anyone else.

We don’t have to like them. We don’t have to invite them to dinner or involve them in our friend groups or include them in our circles. But we must acknowledge the humanity of all people, without exception. However distasteful or vile or monstrous they are, and however much it makes us squirm or feel disgusting.

We don’t have to tolerate injustice or intolerance, and we are all entitled to self-defense when legitimately threatened — one of my personal mantras is “do no harm but take no shit,” and I try to remember that when things get screwy. I may be a pacifist, but that doesn’t mean I have to simply accept intolerance and abuse lying down.

All of that having been said, when I say all of us, it means ALL OF US. No exceptions.

Be well out there.