but still, nobody wants me.

https://open.spotify.com/track/2P5yIMu2DNeMXTyOANKS6k?si=U0cisExWQ4yj2-Bow5eZTA

i’ve been alive for 18 years.

i just graduated highschool

and in no time i’ll go to college

but there’s one thing that at random times stuck in my mind

not all the time, but half of it

i know i always said, “i don’t need no damn man”, or “i don’t want to get married!”

but that ain’t the problem.

when the clock hands pointed to twelve, and my phone was dry with notifications, that’s when they started talking. asking, popping up in the back of my mind.

“why does nobody ever date me?”

just a simple question, yet i still haven’t found the answer.

growing up, i don’t really like dressing like girls. yes, i like dolls and pink, but my appearance?

short hair.

robot t-shirt.

and ripped jeans.

i also acted a little bit “too rough” as a girl, they said.

so, i never really care about boys. even when my elementary school friends are gonna share their lunch with their so called “boyfriends for a day”, or when the girls in junior high school held hands towards the canteen with their “cinta monyet”.

that’s what i thought.

“oh, i’ll never have someone, then”

then finally, i entered high school. all the girls started paying attention to their appearance. blushy cheeks, pink lips, and curly eyelashes. of course i have to go with the flow, right?

i started waking up earlier, brushing my teeth longer, soaping myself twice, and using floral perfume.

the result? my friends started getting chocolates on Valentine’s Day, or flowers during school performances. taking pictures on the field with the cheering of students.

then.... i realized one thing.

why did i never feel it?

“maybe i should smile more” i thought to myself. so i did. i greet everyone—even those i don’t know at all.

“maybe i’m not girly enough” so i started wearing dress and skirts. even thought i hated wearing them.

but still, why’s nobody approach me….?

“oh, maybe i’m too fat” i said in front of my mirror, squeezing my belly fat. it’s true. those girls look thin and petite. of course they’re different from me.

i started skipping meals, using my pocket money to pay for the gym. sweat soaked through my clothes, my body felt like it was eating me up from the inside. but when i stood in the mirror again,

“i still look the same”.

i patted my cheeks, encouraging myself that at least my body was a little bit more in shape. i looked at my face. “oh, my cheeks are covered in pimples.” so i used a lot of skincare. i saw that my eye bags were too dark, so i used concealer. i noticed that my eyebrows were too messy, so i thinned them out.

i stood there, satisfied. “i’m beautiful,” i whispered to myself. i looked perfect. curled eyelashes, a sharp nose, a tall body, and an ideal weight. what more could i ask for?

then the mirror in front changed. dark. my hair was messy. vomit marks on the corners of my lips. my eyes stung as if they were about to come out. and red blood soaked my clothes. with “cat scratches” fill my arms and legs. i’m messed up. truly messed up.

is this why no one wants to date me?

“i’m not…. healthy enough.”

am i going to be like this for the rest of my life? i asked myself. quiet. no answer. will no man ever meet me, tell me that i’m beautiful, tell me that he likes me? ask me to be his girlfriend?

i think the answer is yes.

— ell