Realising I’m somebody else.

(This is me suddenly realising while hearing my family cheerfully interact in the kitchen while I feel like I’ve awoken from a coma in a country I’ve never visited)

I’ve finally woken up today at 2.15pm, and I don’t know who I am.

I’m assuming it’s part of my burnout, it seems to be the best fit for current situation, but could be, and probably is multifactorial.

I feel drugged, slightly sedated, woolly headed, my thinking is slowed, I don’t know who I am, I’m scared of everything, I’m forgetting medication, forgetting my daily journal, 2 out of the last 4.

I was so pleased last night because I made a whole plate of proper raw vegetable salad to eat, instead of autistic beige air fryer easy food, but I’m fed up of living on black coffee and chocolate biscuits, it’s crap.

at least I’m still sobor, but damn, I don’t feel it.

the more I learn about late diagnosed people, and people who share all my symptoms, the more isolated I feel, I feel so misunderstood, I feel I’ll never belong, or rather I may find a place in my new community, but I’ve lost who I was for 53 years, I know he was crap at so much, and couldn’t talk to people, but he managed a hell of a lot, until he was broken by lack of forgiveness.

I don’t belong any where, I feel every tiny interaction has to be planned, it’s like studying for finals, and I am having recurrent dreams where I just want to skip the exam, and have a cigarette instead, I know I’ve failed, so why bother proving how bad I am by attending the exam, I’m already ashamed, so why give them further proof.

I’m autistic

probably AuDHD

my social anxiety is massive-but most likely part of being autistic

I’m some variety of previously closeted queer

I’m chronically ill

I have diagnosed PTSD, and long covid, and multi-system sarcoidosis, and I’ve continued to work with fractured vertebrae

my skin and teeth and bones and vision and breathing and hearing, and body shape have all changed through disease and medication

I used to be wanted by someone I still love,

now she can’t be near me, and even I avoid mirrors because my reflection makes me cry.

I’m outside everything in the family house because I’m so deaf, and my concentration and working memory is woeful.

I can vaguely remember what it feels like to be hugged.

I lie awake with blackout mask and headphones on because once I leave my bedroom, I’m in the lonely place again.

How pathetic is it that I am more lonely in a daylight room full of family, than I am in the dark of a cripples 3a.m. bed room.

Who am I?

Where have I gone?

Do I even want to find myself again? because I remember how painfully lonely it was being him.