Rewire

What has trauma done to me?

Photo by Riki Ramdani on Unsplash

why the clutter disarray the crumbling and decay

it was more pain than i could survive parts of me are still offline

i didn’t want to be seen i didn’t ask to be judged or analyzed by cold ignorance

i’m hurting and shaken pain is pressing me down i don’t feel safe hostility levels me to the ground who could see me as an animal wounded beaten and starved who could love me holding me in their healing arms

who could survive without shutting down segments of yourself conservation mechanisms emergency adrenaline hits defcon 1

ever primed for fallout hypervigilance never knowing my time of death though certain of the next disaster turbulence terror my most intimate friend

is it impossible for me to move from the grave i have found shelter within i felt safe in the depths of my cold dark earthen underground

i have longed for seclusion exile myself from all of the noise all of the voices chaos and pain

all i wanted was someone to care the warmth of sun on my skin feeling like i mattered to someone that i was okay as i was

i’ve hardened into concrete rigor mortis internally nervous systems blown kept me on life support

the brain wires for explosions adapts to fear acclimating to something else doesn’t come naturally

i’m shaken exhausted from trying what do i do i’m frozen paralyzed

i see through the glass but couldn’t break through

how do i move how would i break free there seems to be a crushing chain fracturing me

what do i need lost at sea where is a beautiful sailboat intercepting me valiant love that pulls me in

was it written in a contract that i was to be engulfed within a sulfurous bubble of hostility

was it all necessary for awakening

and since the catalyst so great what must be with each step i take i opened grand doors as big as the sky

i see warm light of love and healing bathing me