The Relationship Escalator Is Taking You Somewhere You May Not Want to Go

So take the stairs or don’t move “up” at all.

I was listening to one of the latest episodes of Multiamory with researcher Dr. Nicole Thomson. She said something that stuck with me:

Don’t take the escalator, but you can take the stairs.

For those who don’t know, the relationship escalator is a metaphor for how our romantic relationships are supposed to develop over time.

We have that first date. It goes well. We realize we like each other, and see each other more regularly.

Then we get on the escalator.

Over the course of several months to several years (an expiring biological clock usually speeds up the process), the escalator brings us up towards the next steps: becoming an “exclusive” pair, meeting the parents, moving in together, getting married, having kids, progressively moving us closer and closer to the ultimate step: till death do us part. (Someone died. We made it!)

This is the culturally sanctioned path many people aspire to take.

But Dr. Nicole has given us an alternative to the escalator: the stairs.

We can take all these steps (getting married, having kids, etc.) There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.

But if we do, let’s take the stairs instead of the escalator. Let’s not simply get on an upward-sloping conveyor belt where we’re passively moving along without really thinking about whether we truly want to go where we’re headed.

Instead, let’s make sure we’re consciously moving our own feet to get where we want to go.

This is a much better metaphor to live by.

But what if we’re not going “up”?

But I would even push against the steps metaphor too. Because it still takes on another harmful assumption:

The idea that we’re going “up” at all.

If I live alone and don’t want to change that, I’m not intrinsically lower or beneath a person living with their partner. If I’m single, it doesn’t mean I’m floating somewhere in the abyss whereas all my partnered friends are on track.

Especially if I have a strong support network of care through friendships or family around me.

Marriage, for example, is not a “milestone,” and it irks me when people say that. Marriage is just something people decide to do because it’s meaningful to them or practical or some combination of both.

When we say it’s a milestone, it suggests it’s somewhere we should all arrive eventually, and if we haven’t yet, we’re behind all the people who are there. (Even if they’re unhappy and hate their lives and have no friends.)

When these specific life choices are framed as upward movement, it’s hard to not feel the pressure to “keep up”.

I’m on the escalator too

I’m a good example of this.

Despite being polyamorous, my life is pretty aligned with the escalator steps.

I’m living with my partner and our little kid in our two-bedroom apartment.

Even though for a time my partner and I were planning to live together with our kid and some friends, it just didn’t work out.

I was pregnant and we needed to live somewhere, so we just ended up like this. In some sense, it does feel like I was swept along.

In some sense, I didn’t actively choose a lot of this.

We’re all influenced by our culture, the people around us, even the way homes are set up (here’s the room for the couple, here’s the room for the kids, and here’s where you eat and watch TV.)

Your parents constantly asking when they will get grandchildren.

The people around you all getting married at once.

If we want to live with a friend instead of a romantic partner, for example, it requires more than deciding to forgo walking up steps. It requires an opposite force. You have to proactively decide to push against those pulls to conform, or they will sweep you away.

But I also think that’s okay.

I don’t think we have to spend so much energy pushing against these forces, just because if society weren’t this way, we might have chosen differently.

Sometimes flowing means doing something a little bit more norm-core.

And honestly, I’m so grateful for my loving partner, our beautiful child, our home.

As long as we’re happy and living in line with our values otherwise, it’s no tragedy.

No life is just perfect in every way.

But I also know this isn’t the inherent, best way to live. And we’re not “above” anyone else by being here.

Living together is not higher than living apart. Marriage is not above friendship. And parenthood is not the marker of adulthood.

The point isn’t to simply take the stairs instead of the escalator. It’s to stop assuming we need to climb anywhere at all.

If you’re questioning the relationship script you’ve inherited or trying to figure out what actually works for you and your partner, this is the kind of work I do with clients.

I work privately with individuals and couples navigating complex relationship decisions, including non-monogamy, commitment, and major relationship transitions.

**Apply to work with me.**