Shadows That Followed Me

The only comparison that matters is between who I was and who I am becoming.

Photo by Scorn Pion on Unsplash

Comparison and competition are the two dreadful words that follow me like shadows. Sometimes I even wonder how I can get rid of them. However hard I try to avoid them, they cling to me unconsciously.

I feel they entered my life the moment I was born, and from then on became an inseparable part of it. The moment they exercise their power, it feels as though my whole existence becomes worthless.

Such is the strong hold of these demons that they gradually eat away at my mental peace.

Even when I decide to be a strong woman, undeterred by the influence or power they wield, they somehow find a way back into my thoughts.

Somewhere between a casual conversation, a reel, a social media post, or someone’s story, they make their presence felt once again. Suddenly, my heart aches, and before I know it, I find myself trapped in the relentless cycle of comparison and competition.

The only way I have decided to keep them at bay is by refusing to entertain them in any form.

I try not to think of them in any situation, because even the thought of them is enough to make me gloomy.

Their power is far beyond my mental strength, and even a single thought of them can turn a normal day into hell.

The tug of war, however, happens many times within my mind, and I lose many times. As soon as I push them beyond away, they try to return with greater force.

They show me people who seem happier, more successful, more talented, or more accomplished, and suddenly I begin to question my own worth. It is an exhausting battle, one that leaves me mentally drained.

Yet, despite losing many rounds, I continue to fight, hoping that one day my inner peace will become stronger than these relentless voices.

At last, I try to make peace within myself and call for a truce between me and them.

Then on, they have hardly entered my mind. Perhaps I believe that my resilience, confidence, and optimistic spirit have grown stronger, like the roots of a banyan tree, so deeply anchored that comparison and competition can no longer shake me easily.

When my world is bereft of them, I walk freely. It is akin to a journey on a deserted road, with no one behind me and no one ahead of me. My journey feels happier now because I can move towards my destination at my own will. My pace can be slow, and the paths may be treacherous, yet I gather the courage to navigate them myself.

There is no pressure to overtake anyone, nor any fear of being left behind. The road belongs to me, and every step I take is my own.

Someday, I may invite them back into my mind — not out of fear, but to gauge how well I have navigated life’s curve balls with grace and ease. I will definitely compete, but not with others. My competition will be with fate, with challenges, and with the limitations that life places before me.

And I will definitely compare myself, but not with anyone else. I will compare myself with the older version of me — the one who cringed when someone compared her with others ,and the newer version of me, who no longer cares where she stands in someone else’s eyes.

Thank you for reading !

Thank you Smriti Pathak and Anchal Bhuyan for this motivational June Writing Challenge. I thoroughly enjoyed penning my views.