You’re Not Irresistible. She’s Just Very Good at Her Job

Why We Believe People Who Tell Us Exactly What We Want to Hear

Photo by Wendy Wei: https://www.pexels.com/photo/a-woman-sitting-on-the-counter-top-14159262/

Years ago, I worked on a tropical island in Panama as a waitress, where tourists would periodically ask me one of the worst questions you can ask someone who works in a restaurant (at least in my experience)…

“What’s popular here?”

Sometimes I was tempted to tell the truth, but obviously never answered, “Whatever my boss told us we needed to sell before it spoiled.”

I even had fun with it on occasion and would give a guy a pondering look for a second as though I were conducting a highly sophisticated culinary personality assessment.

If we had too much carne, “You seem like you are fit and want protein, so I would probably go with the carne.” Most of the time it was our fish and thus, “You’re on an island. I feel like you should have the corvina.”

Then I would smile.

Because serving is a performance and smiling is part of the job (my boss reminded me of this often). And that smile led to plenty of receipts with phone numbers written on the back or across the bottom.

We ladies have learned that quite a few men mistake being nice for flirting. Most people understand that someone working in hospitality is, well, being hospitable.

Which made something my partner told me about a guy he plays basketball with even more unbelievable.

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According to my partner, this man regularly sees a sex worker and apparently has now developed feelings for her. And by feelings, the guy means he thinks he might want to date her.

This led to the obvious question of, “Does he believe she actually likes him?”

My partner hesitated, then said with a shrug, “Well…maybe she does.”

DUUUUUUDE. Really?!

Okay, let’s say she genuinely likes him. Maybe she thinks he’s funny. Possibly even enjoys the sex. But how did he get from she seems to enjoy our time together to she would choose to spend time with me for free?

To be fair, anything is possible. Just like me winning the lottery.

But surely we can agree that the woman being paid to create an enjoyable sexual experience is not exactly unbiased proof of how irresistible a paying client is.

Men seem to have trouble thinking critically while having an erection.

Nobody believes the waitress has fallen in love with them because she recommends the ribeye. And yet, add nudity, sex, and an orgasm sound effect (or maybe she’s not faking it), and suddenly some men start believing in fate.

“No, I mean it. She really likes me.”

How do you know?

“She tells me, of course.”

From this day forward, you will be known as Sherlock.

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And this doesn’t just happen with men and sex. Most humans are more likely to become gullible when something said is sprinkled with flattery.

Tell a woman, “There is no way you’re over forty,” and watch how quickly she becomes interested in what you have to say next.

A salesperson says you look amazing in an expensive jacket that will make your friends jealous, and somewhere inside our brain we know he’s just trying to make a sale. But… we still look in the mirror anyway.

Because apparently, our bullshit detector works perfectly until the bullshit comes with a compliment.

Men can be incredibly naive when it comes to sex.

Or maybe they aren’t naive at all. Maybe they want to believe because it feeds their ego. Because some men really do seem to believe sex workers chose that profession mainly because they love sex and money.

Now maybe a few women do enjoy parts of the job. For some, they genuinely feel empowered by it. I have even heard some have a client or two that they sincerely like.

People are complicated, and I’m certainly not going to say I speak for all those women.

But the idea that a woman gets paid to have sex with a man and he believes that after a few sessions she will be tempted to casually date him without paying?

Come on fellas. You are paying for a male fantasy.

A professional can enjoy your company and still be doing her job. She can genuinely laugh at your joke, and might even think you’re attractive, but in the end, she still requires payment for her time.

Her job is to make you feel like the sexiest man alive while also keeping track of the time because you booked two hours.

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When there’s a transaction involved, it doesn’t mean every laugh, compliment, or orgasm is fake. It just means you probably shouldn’t use any of them as evidence that someone genuinely likes you.

And this is the part our egos prefer to ignore.

Because there is a very comforting difference between: She made me feel wanted and she wanted me.

There’s no judgment from me if a guy pays for the first one, but most of us would agree that he would rather believe the second. Maybe that’s why so many men mistake hospitality for attraction. Maybe it’s why my partner’s basketball friend thinks he has found something with a sex worker.

And maybe it’s why all of us occasionally choose to believe the version where we look younger, smarter, sexier, more charming, or more special than the alternative.

We are remarkably skeptical people.

Right up until someone tells us exactly what we were hoping to hear.

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