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Circles of Grief

Dealing with death

People describe grief as waves, although that image didn’t resonate with me. Early in my grief, I described it as avalanches. Now, more than two years in, I see grief as concentric circles.

When Ben first died, I grieved him as he was at the time of his death — diminished with many health problems and with me as his somewhat caregiver. That grief was a tight circle. I grieved the man that had learned to rely on me, even when he didn’t want to. I grieved our rigid routines, created to please his doctors and to keep him healthy — well, maybe not healthy, but regulated and on track. The morning rituals of recording vitals, the monthly doctor appointments, and the twice-weekly dialysis treatments. That was a tired man, who was asleep before 9 pm and napped during the day. That was a tight circle with no wiggle room.

After many months I began to grieve the man Ben was before dialysis began in 2023 and before two hospital stays in 2022. The man who had many health issues that were self-managed. The man he was before he needed me to keep track of medications and doctor appointments. That was a wider, softer circle.

During the past year, I was grieving the man Ben was before all that. The man who only had diabetes, successfully controlled by medication. The man who could walk five miles without a second thought. The man who took care of me and our pets and our home. The man who woke every morning at 7 am and fell asleep after 11 pm. The man who could cook for and entertain 30 people without breaking a sweat. That was an even wider circle.

In recent days, I grieve the Ben I first met. A man with undiagnosed diabetes who didn’t know he was sick. A man who lived healthy and happy. A man who had twenty years to live, although he believed he had more, although he hoped for so much more. It’s the widest circle of all — the first circle that encompassed our love and a seemingly endless future.

My Ben circles end, or begin, there, although his life had many more circles, each spreading further. Circles that didn’t include me, but ones that created the man I would come to love.

The opposite of a tree’s life rings that grow bigger over time, our lives are circular paths that grow smaller with time. We change from wide, free circles to tight, condensed ones.

Ben’s circles ended on May 19, 2024; my circles are shrinking with each day that passes.

© Dennett 2026