Say No To Shame

And Yes To You

We’re in the middle of a semi-collapse moment in American and Western civilization. This piece is about reclaiming your life in a world that weaponizes judgment, tribalism, and low self-worth.

In the past month I’ve had several social media shaming events where someone I consider a friend has flamed me for failing to support the democrat angle on a specific topic. I’m a lifelong democrat turned defector over the past few years. I’m now in the middle, watching two parties with incredulity but also a smile. I’m learning to care a lot less about things I can’t control. Including you, and what you think.

Let’s explore what’s happening — how the ‘good guys’ and the ‘bad guys’ have co-developed a polarized society where preachy, sanctimonious and intolerant behavior have replaced reason and critical thinking. It’s a cycle, not even close to being unique or a historical first. The French forces of the resistance (FFI, or the FIFIs, as they were nicknamed) became absolutely intolerant of anyone not 100% agreeing with their every act and statement, including their no-jury justice for nazi suspected collaborators, in some cases later shown to be falsely accused and quite innocent. If you questioned an accusation, you were a nazi too.

It affects us deeply to be shamed and singled out, even those of us with a healthy fuck you attitude and who claim to be immune to bullying and witch hunts. The best we can hope for ultimately is a quick correction, where the source of the shaming hits their own misfortune and goes away.

Society has fragmented into echo-chamber tribes, more motivated by hate for the other side than any real dream building or altruistic goals. Social media algorithms have a decade of AI powered data to cement us into this rut. Tribalism thrives on exclusion. Membership requires regular purity tests, mostly enforced through shame. Example: most people want a secure border. Yes: really. 61% of voters support a secure border, yet also 59% believe ICE has gone too far. People want to know we know who’s coming in, and that they have papers, are not cartel members and are not trafficking children, sex slaves, drugs or weapons. Really. So when you say “Abolish ICE” you’re testing whether I wholeheartedly agree with you, and cheer your statement without hesitation. Oh? I didn’t support you? I must be a fascist who supports brutality and government violence against innocent people. No middle ground. No way to pass your test with a caveated answer. I’m all in with your position, or I’m an evil fascist pig. And you are somehow a good human and always right, even though all you do is flame everyone who doesn’t agree with you.

The tyranny of binary thinking. I don’t support you. And I don’t like what you’re doing. We can choose to be no longer friends, if necessary. Or we can agree to disagree and try to practice tolerance. Society no longer has our grandparents’ TV as a shared reality, replaced by personalized media which fails to unite us under any kind of shared societal principles, making us lonely, brittle, afraid and extremely intolerant of anyone we perceive as different. Our universities have not served us well, as faculties have focused on identifying the villains who cause injustice, over any concept of uniting us with a common desire to improve society.

DEI went awfully wrong. Motivated by a good and pure desire to promote inclusion, it flipped along the way, becoming a vehicle for practicing intolerance against dissenters or any who are not all-in on the whole agenda. Reverse discrimination becomes de rigueur for rabid activists, and the cycle of shaming and division continues. MAGA. Putin and Xi are loving it.

Our collective low self esteem (CLSE) is manufactured, not an accident and not naturally occurring. We’re in societal decay, and powerful groups on both the left and right are keenly aware of their increased ability to control public opinion when we’re feeling bad about ourselves. People who lived in wartime Britain, France and other anti-Hitler allies all had pretty high self esteem through those hard times. We can’t get there from here, after seven decades of peace, prosperity and unprecedented personal freedom.

Tell the shamers to go fuck themselves.

We will take a long time to recover from this broken feeling and come together again to form a strong social core that shares many values, ideas and principles, while easily tolerating all who disagree. The divided society may outlive most of us, unless you’re a teenager today. What we can do is individually, and in small groups, decide that the response to shaming isn’t compliance, it’s defiance. To thine own self be true.

In a world desperate to make you small, choose to be gloriously, unshrinkingly yourself.