I Was Labeled a Narcissist by My Ex-Husband’s Therapist

The deeper reflections it led me to, and why I’m sharing this now.

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One afternoon, my ex-husband and I were accompanying our child to a classmate’s birthday party when he dropped a bomb: that his past therapist, at some point, had labeled me a narcissist.

I wasn’t sure how to feel about that at first.

Because if a therapist said so, there must be a reason. A therapist is not just anyone, after all.

So I had a hard look at myself.

Where did I go wrong?

I had my own flaws. I made mistakes as well. After our divorce, I deeply reflected on where we went wrong and how I contributed to the downfall of our marriage.

But to be called a narcissist made me question myself again.

So I tried to remember the woman I was.

I remembered this woman who tried to talk about issues. Over and over again.

I remembered this woman who was impatient. Frustrated.

I remembered this woman who forced marriage counseling to happen.

Then, I remembered this woman who yearned to be heard.

I remembered this woman who, no matter how hard she tried to communicate, never felt truly embraced or understood.

I remembered this woman who blamed herself for being too needy or emotional, while assuming that her husband was the rational one.

I remembered this woman who longed for emotional connection and felt so alone in a marriage.

I remembered this woman who cried and cried and cried alone until her tears dried, long before she finally had the strength and courage to acknowledge that separation was the only way not to destroy what was left.

After my divorce, I went into a deep soul-searching and even went into a two-year course on trauma, therapeutic practices, and spirituality.

What I never even had the vocabulary to describe, I now have a deeper awareness of.

And here’s what I saw as I looked back: a woman who yearned for emotional connection and safety, but didn’t know how to express herself and felt she was asking for too much; and a man who yearned for the closeness that was lost, but didn’t know how to respond and felt he was not good enough.

This couple loved each other. And yet, not even two marriage counselors could help them understand this so common issue many couples face.

Both of them were starved emotionally. And yet neither of them knew how to truly bridge the gap and stop the conflicts.

Behind each fight, there wasn’t an ill intention, but rather a longing for reconnection.

They never learned about the nervous system and how to build an emotionally safe space, so both of them could finally feel seen and heard without feeling that they are either too much or not enough.

For a while, I pondered if I should share this.

It feels very vulnerable to write something like this.

But I hope to raise more awareness about this.

I see so many stories of couples who loved each other deeply, and yet they were never truly able to bridge the gap.

We never intended to hurt each other.

And yet nowadays, this narrative of how the other person is the “narcissist”, the “bad guy”, is so common.

There are many real narcissists out there, indeed.

And yet this narrative, when applied without a deeper understanding, can keep a person feeling stuck in the same hurt.

Because when we see the other person as the “bad guy”, without it necessarily being true, we are stuck with a false narrative that leads to more resentment and pain.

The pain of assuming that the other person might have hurt us intentionally and might not have loved us truly can keep us imprisoned; when the truth is often that they did love us and never intended to hurt us, and realizing this can set us free.

I could see myself stuck in the same kind of hurt.

Before the divorce, I remember feeling this horrible resentment toward him at times.

And yet below resentment, there was pain.

Pain that deep down we loved each other, and yet we were hurting each other.

As I gradually accepted the reality, there was grief.

Grief that we could never heal this. Grief of what could have been.

Grief that it had to end.

Realizing that we are just two humans who loved each other but never knew how to make it work gave me peace.

Knowing that we loved each other gave me peace.

Forgiveness wasn’t about anyone apologizing.

It was about having understood how love was always there, and even if it didn’t work out, we still tried our best.

Mónica Valverde is a daydreamer navigating the experience of human life. She’s in love with Spirituality, Inner Work and Relationships.

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