Beyond the Curve | Scoliosis Awareness Month

“Like the eyes that linger on my back, the pain lingers too.”

I spent 24 years of my life not doing everything I wanted to do. Not because I wasn’t good enough. Not because I didn’t have the means. Not because I lacked confidence. Not because I lacked motivation.

I spent 24 years of my life not doing everything I wanted to do. Not because I was too small for volleyball. Not because I couldn’t rally in badminton. Not because I couldn’t hold a tennis racket. Not because I couldn’t run fast. Not because an archery bow or a bowling ball was too heavy. Not because I was afraid I wouldn’t finish a triathlon.

I spent 24 years of my life not doing everything I wanted to do. Not because I was afraid of getting lost while hiking. Not because I was afraid of getting hurt in taekwondo. Not because I couldn’t balance myself on an ice rink. Not because I wasn’t flexible enough to become a ballerina or a gymnast.

I spent 24 years of my life not doing everything I wanted to do. Not because I wasn’t tall enough to be a runway model. Not because I lacked fashion sense. Not because I was afraid I wouldn’t survive combat. Not because I wasn’t smart enough to become a surgeon.

But because I spent 24 years of my life living with chronic pain — the kind of pain that comes with Scoliosis.

So no, you don’t get to laugh at my posture. You don’t get to stare at the curve in my back. You don’t get to judge a body whose story you know nothing about. You’re not the one who occasionally reaches for painkillers because the pain doesn’t simply go away. You’re not the one who feels it after standing too long, sitting too long, or sometimes for no reason at all. You’re not the one who carries the fear that one day you might lose even more of what your body can do. You’re not the one who struggles with things that seem simple to everyone else, like carrying a bag to work. You’re not the one who misses out on adventures because a long drive isn’t just a drive, it’s pain before, during, and after.

You’re not the one living in this body.

Like the eyes that linger on my back, the pain lingers too. For so long that it stops feeling temporary. For so long that it becomes something I carry with me every day.

And despite that pain, I keep going.

— Y, carrying the curve, the pain, and the dreams that remain