Ruminations in the Rain

Sometimes you end up learning things about yourself sitting soaked under a picnic pavilion with a damp dog leash in one hand and wet headphones in the other.

This morning Max and I went for our usual walk, only to find construction blocking the entrance where we normally park. So I drove a few minutes further down and started from another spot. Not a big deal. Adapt and move on. We got all the way to the furthest point in our route when the sky decided it had opinions about my cardio plans. Heavy sprinkling turned into real rain pretty quickly.

About halfway back there is a small picnic pavilion, so we speed-walked our way there, already completely drenched by the time we made it. Max settled down. I dried off my headphones and tucked them away while we waited for the rain to calm down a little. And while sitting there watching the rain come down across the park, I found myself thinking about my little motto: “Happy. Moving. Consistent.”

Most mornings that phrase is enough to get me out of bed. Some days it is all I need. Other days, though, I have to lean on something a little more personal. I have what I jokingly call my “Aspects of Being.”

Happy: Marin Kitagawa. Moving: Nero Claudius. Consistent: Goblin Slayer.

Yes, I know how that sounds. Yes, I am a 54 year old anime nerd. No, I am not accepting feedback on that part.

At first it always felt a little odd to me that one of my “Aspects” was male. Especially now that I have spent so much time thinking about gender and identity and transition and all the other giant, complicated things bouncing around in my head these days. But sitting there in the rain, I realized I was accidentally falling into the exact kind of rigid gender trope I have spent so much time trying to untangle.

Consistency is not masculine. Happiness is not feminine. Motion is not feminine. Discipline is not male. Emotional openness is not female. Most people are probably not standing at the absolute edge of some binary chart marked “MAN” and “WOMAN” anyway. Human beings are messier than that. Softer than that. More blended than that.

Goblin Slayer just happens to represent Consistent in my mind.

Not because he is male. Not because I want to be him. But because he wakes up and does the work. Over and over. No speeches required. No dramatic reinvention every morning. Just persistence. Just movement. Just continuing.

And honestly, anime has been quietly helping me understand myself for a very long time.

People love to say “anime is for kids,” which always makes me laugh a little. Watch “Attack on Titan” and then come back and tell me that with a straight face. But more importantly, stories in general gave me permission to explore emotions I never really had language for growing up. Sometimes you do not learn emotional honesty directly. Sometimes you learn it one character arc at a time.

One character teaches you joy. Another teaches you resilience. Another teaches you vulnerability. Another teaches you how to keep moving when life becomes exhausting.

That is not childish. That is human.

And maybe that is what I was really thinking about while the rain came down around us this morning. Maybe these “Aspects” are not really about gender at all. Maybe they are simply the pieces of myself I needed help finding.

Anyways, the rain stopped, Max got impatient, and life continued.