Am I missing out on girlhood?

I think I have never fully experienced so-called “girlhood”. Borrowing lipsticks, walking hand in hand and gossiping in the same bed together. Am I missing out?

I do have female friends but somehow I still haven’t had that kind of friendships. I think I subconsciously exclude myself from all of the “girly” activities.

For context, I have these two friends I’m really close with. We share almost all of our secrets and hang out a lot. I really enjoy my time with them and I always feel very free to express myself. Sometimes we’re shopping as a trio but they end up in a fitting room together. It’s not that I’m not invited but I just feel out of place going into a fitting room with them. Don’t get me wrong — I still feel kinda left out and most of the times I wish I could be a part of that. I have never been in a clothing store fitting room with someone else, altough I feel like it’s a big part of girlhood.

This is excatly how I feel as a girl in girlhood.

I have realized that I actually feel embarassed when I’m doing something feminine as if it wasn’t for me. Doing my makeup or shopping for bras, as if people saw me as a deer in their kitchen. And you might now wonder if I’m unsure about my identity but it’s actually vise versa. For a while I definitely was unsure and lost but I have recently come out as lesbian to these previously mentioned friends. And because of that my style is also a little more masculine representing but I still really like girly things and accept both my fem and masc sides. I now truly am in peace with myself. Still I haven’t fully gained that feeling when i’m with people.

It’s not always just shame or embarrassment. It’s more of a feeling that I need to hide. Like I can’t mention buying a bra or doing my makeup. At the same time I feel the need and social pressure to appear feminine.

As a lesbian I have fought with what can I do as a friend — and what can I not. Especially physical touch is foreign to me. I remember being young (not knowing anything about my sexuality back then) and feeling wrong looking at people in changing rooms. As if I wasn’t one of them.

I dream about being in a relationship where I get princess treatment. I want to be carried like a baby. Altough I might be masc representing, I still want (and I have the right) to be treated like a girl.

I still hope to find more friendships where I could comfotably be part a of girlhood. I think it’s actually just a me problem that i feel out of place and there is always room for improvement. I look forward to finding friends that I can hold hands with, braid each others hair and lay in bed gossiping, without them (or me) feeling like I’m flirting.

I want to experience girls nights and sleepovers, I want to be a girls girl and I want to feel like I belong in the girl groups without having to be the girliest girl.

To end up with, I have to say I have gotten better at involving myself in girlhood and i constantly try to talk more and more about feminine things. I’m very happy about how openly we talk with my two friends. For hopeless people out there — it does get better.

Lastly I have to apologize If my english wasn’t the best, as it’s not my first language. Thanks to everyone who was intrested enough to read till the end. I hope this was helpful to other teens (or women) out there who are looking for relatable experiences. And at best I could provide inspiration to some other writers (:

Love you all🎀✨️