We Regret To Inform You That We’re Kicking You Out Of Our Parents Group Chat

It’s not you, it’s the demon that possesses your son

Photo by atiyeh fathi on Unsplash

From: The Parents of Ephysian Lane

To: Ann and Tom

Subject: Our Toddler Group

Ann and Tom,

We’ve so enjoyed getting to know you and little Joey these last 2 years. What a shame that it took “the baby bug” for all of us neighbors to finally meet. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but we’ve decided to kick you out of the neighborhood toddler group.

It’s not you. And it’s certainly not sweet Joey with his angelic curls and cherubic smile. Good heavens, no. It’s the demon that possesses him.

For months, we tried to look the other way, writing off Joey’s behavior as that of your typical two-year-old. All of our little ones have gone through bouts of biting, kicking, and screeching. But only little Joey recites The Dark Side of the Moon in reverse in the voice of Tom Jones when he doesn’t want to eat his carrot sticks. Of course, every child is different, but many of us in the group find music like that absolutely inappropriate for this age group.

You played it off at the time. His great uncle was an opera singer. Music runs in the family, you said. Just stop. We’ve all witnessed his head swivel 360 degrees when he doesn’t want to get in his car seat.

As a group that prides itself on inclusivity, this decision has shaken us to our very foundations. We believe, deeply, that diversity is what makes us strong, and we’ve welcomed every toddler parent on the block into our fold. It was you, after all, who convinced the rest of us to accept the Millers, after their Fruitarian dinner party, where they made us pick at foraged apples and mushrooms so rotten and moldy that they’d grown fur.

And you know better than anyone that we once voted to tolerate the Brown’s anti-vaccine stance. How’s Joey doing after that nasty case of the mumps, by the way?

But it’s not the same. This demon has driven a wedge in the group at its core. The Cummings didn’t find it at all amusing when Joey disappeared briefly at their son’s baptism, then resurfaced from under the pew with a crown of thorns and blood streaming down his face, and chanting in Aramaic until you took the crown off his head. He may have snapped out of it, smiled, and even given the priest a hug, but they’re still convinced he had something to do with the baptismal font filling with sheep’s blood.

And frankly, so are the rest of us. We’re all tired of the locust swarms and frogs that show up at every picnic. And I’m still paying off the vet bill to remove the goat horns and pig tail that my cockapoo inexplicably grew last Easter.

We’re even starting to suspect the demon has something to do with the amphibious smell that emits from our phones every time you send the group a “praying hands.” And somehow, whenever Mary sends an Angel emoji, it turns into that grinning purple devil and a string of peaches and eggplants!

The votes are in, and it’s unanimous. Only the Browns abstained. Apparently, they’re bedridden with Polio.

I know you may feel hurt, but we would like to reiterate that this decision wasn’t personal. We wish nothing but the best for you and Joey.

But if you take some time to think about it, I’m sure you’ll come to realize that at this most difficult time, it’s for the best if Joey distances himself from the group. Preschool application season is about to start.

That said, we wouldn’t say no if Joey did a ritual sacrifice for luck!

-The parents of Ephesian Lane.

P.S.

We’ll pray for Joey.

From: Mailer Daemon

To: The Parents of Ephysian Lane

Subject: Delivery Status Notification Failure

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