Why I write

This very last year I discovered many things about myself I was completely unaware of: I have wavy hair, sometimes I get anxious when I least expect it, AND my dream job could actually be writing, and this is huge.

Consequently, it seems fair to say why I want to be a writer, mostly to myself, but anyone who is interested is most welcome.

Until a few years ago I would never have considered writing an option, but then I discovered, not only did I like it but I was also pretty good at it. In the beginning I didn’t really understand why I liked it or what I could use it for, but after some time I started to get it. I started to actually think about this when I noticed that I felt the need to write something when I was overwhelmed or overstimulated, which meant writing was a way to get rid of bad feelings, anxiety, emotions I didn’t understand, so it was a real therapeutic activity. The moment I noticed it, I didn’t really do anything, I just recognized it, like “Ok, I feel this and I do this. Noted.”, so it wasn’t really that important. But as the years passed I think I can finally say I know why writing feels so good and why I should pursue a career in it.

First of all, let me say it is difficult. It is really complicated because there are days when I can’t stop writing and days I have nothing to say. Second: the difficulty is that when I write I show the most of myself, like nothing feels as personal as writing, because I always put everything I have, everything I am, and everything I think in it, so it’s like being completely naked, you can see it all, and I just have to hope you make a good use of it. So, yeah, writing makes me vulnerable, but it’s a price I’m willing to pay. And now, let’s move to the most exciting part: how writing makes me feel.

The last time I wrote an entire, I guess we could call it article, I was deeply obsessed with the tv show I wrote about (Heated Rivalry, btw go see both the show and the article) and there was nothing I could to to stop thinking about it, because as I said, I was obsessed. So I found myself full of thoughts and opinions, and things to say that no one I know would care about, so I wrote them, I wrote them all at once, and I felt good, I felt emptied, my brain was finally silent, I was calm, at peace.

I never had an orgasm, so I wouldn’t be able to tell you how it feels, but I guess good, but anyway, after I finish writing every little thing that is in my mind I feel so good and exhausted that I think it gets close, I am emptied, powerless, unable to move, paralyzed. And it is something I never felt in my entire life, the only thing that gets closer it’s when I finish a set at the gym, usually legs, usually quite heavy, and I know and feel that I gave everything I could and for a moment I get that peaceful feeling that nothing can happen, nothing can hurt me, I have nothing to think about, to care about, nothing to accomplish and no one to make proud.

So, yeah, writing for me feels like a relief, like a moment of peace.

Right now I think I could be really dramatic and say stuff like: “I write to save myself from myself” but it would be fake, like it’s too much, so instead I’ll tell you this: “I write to feel like myself again.”