Kindness Frightened Me More Than Loneliness

The kindness I never knew what to do with.

Photo by Toni Reed on Unsplash

I became so used to being alone, to doing things on my own, that kindness started frightening me more than loneliness.

When someone does something kind for me, my first thought is not gratitude.

It is debt.

How do I return it? How do I repay this before I owe too much?

I struggle to trust people.

If someone talks to me without a reason, I begin searching for one. I overthink every possibility, every hidden motive, every explanation for why someone would check on me.

I am afraid to ask for help.

What if they say no? What if I am a burden? What if the rejection stays with me longer than the problem itself?

Yet, I find it difficult to say no to others.

And if I am honest, I like it when people come to me for something.

Not because I enjoy being needed, but because sometimes I cannot find another reason for someone to talk to me, or stay in contact with me.

I long for people. For connection. For someone to stay.

Yet when people come closer, I am often the first to create distance.

I tell myself I need time alone. That I am busy. That I do not have the energy.

Maybe those things are true.

Or maybe I am afraid.

Afraid of becoming a burden. Afraid of being unwanted. Afraid of being abandoned.

So, I leave before anyone else gets the chance.

Have I made enough effort to keep people in my life?

Maybe yes. Maybe no.

And even if people find their way to me, will I know how to let them stay?

© 2026 Khushhh, All rights reserved

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