Petty Irritations

Sue Me: That Doesn’t Sit Right With Me

Tiny Things That Irritate Me More Than They Should

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SOUND: Cheerful theme music. Coffee stirring. LADYSHIP: Judgmental cluck.

SUE: Well hello, my precious little side-eyers.

Welcome back to Sue Me, the podcast where common sense is still alive, dignity is hanging by a thread, and my chicken has opinions about everybody’s behavior.

Ladyship is here today.

Unfortunately, she’s already judging me.

LADYSHIP: Sharp cluck.

SUE: You ate a button last year. Sit down.

Now today’s episode is not about major problems.

This is about tiny things. Small things. Harmless things.

The kind of thing where somebody does something, and your spirit quietly whispers, “Mm-mm. No, thank you.

For example —

People who say: “I have a quick question…”

Then trap you in a conversational hostage situation for forty-five minutes.

That was not a quick question.

That was a documentary with no intermission.

And another thing —

People who stand too close behind you in line.

If I can feel your breath agreeing with my purchase decisions, we are too near.

Back up, Kenneth.

I should not know your pulse rate at Walgreens.

And this one may just be me —

people who lick their fingers before separating papers or money.

Now, why are we moisturizing receipts, Steven?

That does not sit right with me.

And before y’all judge me — I know I have quirks, too.

Apparently, I sigh heavily when somebody tells a story too slowly.

I didn’t know I did that until Harold looked at me during dinner and said, “Sue, your body language just gave up.”

Because some people start a story like this: “Now you remember my cousin, Tammy…”

And suddenly, we’re traveling through a pontoon boat accident, and somebody named Rick with a ferret before we ever reach the point.

By then, I’ll have aged medically.

And another thing —

People with giant emotional-support water bottles.

Now listen. Hydration is important.

But if your water container has a shoulder strap, stickers, and better insulation than my first apartment…

you are no longer thirsty.

You are preparing for an expedition.

And I KNOW this one is irrational —

when somebody waves you ahead in traffic…

then gets mad that you accepted the invitation.

YOU OFFERED ME THE BLESSING, GERALD.

Don’t wave me forward like a woodland fairy and then act as if you’re betrayed.

That doesn’t sit right with me.

So today, we are taking calls about the harmless little things that irritate you more than they should.

And honestly?

This may be the most emotionally honest episode we’ve ever done.

Let’s go to the phones before Ladyship starts a citizens’ arrest.

SOUND: Phone chime.

SUE: Caller number one

CALLER #1: RHONDA, TENNESSEE: Mine is people who stop walking suddenly in the middle of stores.

SUE: Oh, Rhonda, yes.

RHONDA: No warning. No signal. They just freeze.

SUE: Like a goat seeing the weather.

RHONDA: Exactly!

SUE: Meanwhile, the rest of us are performing emergency cart maneuvers behind them.

RHONDA: I almost took out an endcap of salsa last week.

SUE: Honestly, that sounds athletic.

SOUND: Phone chime.

SUE: Caller number two.

CALLER #2: MARVIN, ARKANSAS: Mine is when somebody says, “No offense…”

SUE: Oh, a storm warning.

MARVIN: Exactly. Nothing good has ever followed that phrase.

SUE: “No offense” is just emotional windshield wipers.

MARVIN: My brother says it constantly.

SUE: And what comes after it?

MARVIN: Usually, something devastating about my grilling.

SUE: See? If a man insults your ribs after saying “no offense,” offense was absolutely scheduled.

SOUND: Phone chime.

SUE: Caller number three.

CALLER #3: TRACY, OREGON: I don’t like when people use therapy language for tiny situations.

SUE: Go on.

TRACY: My coworker said she was “setting boundaries” because she didn’t want to help decorate for Sharon’s birthday.

SUE: That’s not a boundary. That’s laziness in a cardigan.

TRACY: THANK YOU.

SUE: Everybody listened to one podcast, and suddenly they’re “protecting their peace.”

Meanwhile, Karen just doesn’t want to inflate balloons.

TRACY: Exactly!

SUE: Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to recover emotionally from the phrase “balloon boundary.”

SOUND: Phone chime. Slightly chaotic tone.

SUE: Uh-oh. That ringtone feels unstable already. Caller four.

CALLER #4: DONNA, NEW JERSEY: Sue… mine is neighborhood parking etiquette.

SUE: Donna, your tone already concerns me.

DONNA: People keep parking slightly crooked on our street.

SUE: Mm-hmm…

DONNA: So I made a visual guide.

SUE: Oh no.

DONNA: Color-coded.

SUE: Of course it was.

DONNA: Green means “neighborly.” Yellow means “correctable.” Red means “disrespectful tire energy.”

SUE: Donna.

DONNA: Then I laminated copies and —

SUE: LADYSHIP, GET THE CAR KEYS.

LADYSHIP: Alarmed cluck.

DONNA: I may have also started measuring curb distance.

SUE: With what?

DONNA: A tape measure.

SUE: You became a parking warlord.

DONNA: I’m just trying to create harmony.

SUE: No baby, you created infrastructure.

DONNA: One man called me “The Asphalt Queen.”

SUE: And honestly? That title came with fear.

DONNA: Should I stop distributing the charts?

SUE: Immediately.

Burn the laminator. Release the neighborhood. Let people park imperfectly.

DONNA: Okay… but the chart fonts are beautiful.

SUE: I know they are, Donna. That’s what makes this dangerous.

SOUND: Gentle music under Sue.

SUE: Well, my darlings…here’s the truth.

Everybody has little things that bother them for absolutely no reason.

Tiny irritations. Tiny side-eyes. Tiny moments where your soul quietly mutters: “Now why would you do that?

And honestly?

I think it keeps us connected.

Because when somebody says, “I hate when people stand too close in line, and another person says, “ME TOO,”

for one beautiful moment…we heal as a nation.

Now obviously — be kind.

Don’t ruin somebody’s day over a crooked parking job or a suspiciously large water bottle.

Sometimes people are just out here surviving.

But privately?

You are allowed a little side-eye.

You are allowed one quiet: “That doesn’t sit right with me

And on that note —

may your stories get to the point, may your receipts stay dry, and may nobody breathe directly on your neck at the pharmacy this week.

Because frankly…that still doesn’t sit right with me.

LADYSHIP: Firm cluck.

SUE: Exactly.

I’m Granny Sue, and this has been Sue Me.

Now go enjoy your day…

and for the love of heaven, stop licking your fingers before touching paperwork.

© 2026 Trish Church. All rights reserved.

New Literary Society