HUMOUR IN THE SKIES

Etiquette for People Who Fly

And what to expect from your airline

Howard and Lilian found a little etiquette makes flights much more comfortable. Photo: RDNE Stock project.

Whether it’s for business or pleasure or to visit nefarious islands, many of us fly. To make your trip as pain-free as possible, a little etiquette goes a long way.

But what is etiquette when it comes to flying?

I’m Australian, see, so I don’t have the charm of the Americans nor the manners of the British. I sure could do with some etiquette. Especially in the sky.

Luck was on my side when I stumbled on this treasure in a second-hand store — which I immediately purchased — Ward Lock’s Etiquette for Ladies.

The chapter on presentation at court was written by some guy called Andrew. Photo by me.

I’m an equal opportunity sort, so I’m taking the advice contained within this book’s pages as etiquette for EVERYONE.

No publication date is mentioned, but an expert (ChatGPT) places this edition from around 1925. So about as contemporary as you can get when it comes to modern etiquette.

Anyhow, let’s explore what Ward Lock has to say about flying.

Departure

Be sure to arrive at the car departure station a quarter of an hour before departure time.

What’s a car departure station? I park at the Value Car Park, where it takes 30 minutes driving around looking for a free spot and then getting on a bus that takes another 20 minutes to get to the terminal.

If it is more convenient to go direct to the airport, you should be there thirty minutes before the aircraft departure time.

Unless you’re flying from some tiny airport in outback Australia with Crocodile Dundee, I advise against this. What could you get done in 30 minutes at LAX? Probably not even enough time to buy a chocolatey snack for your flight or to snort some Valium in the washroom.

If you are liable to air sickness, obtain a supply of air sickness tablets, and take them two hours before take-off. During the flight, supplies will be available from the steward. Barley sugar is an effective remedy.

Supplies will be available from the steward??? Imagine the look on a Ryanair flight attendant’s face if you asked them for some Dramamine or Valium. Imagine the look on their face if you asked for a glass of water. Or if you spoke to them?

Also, is barley sugar still a thing? Last time I saw it was in the late 1980s.

Baggage

Your baggage will be weighed, registered and labelled “Required at Nightstops” or “Not Required on Voyage.”

Well, your baggage will be weighed and labelled “yes, you can get on the flight” or “no, piss off with that.”

Also, what’s a nightstop? Apparently in the 1920s, people didn’t sleep upright in a tiny plastic seat next to a screaming child. They landed at a smaller airport and were taken to a local hotel where they spent the night.

My friend’s flight was recently cancelled, but instead of being taken to a local hotel to spend the night, she was shuffled around on a bus to various airports, extending her 2-hour flight by 12 hours.

You should carry a small bag containing toothbrush, face cloth, comb, cosmetics and hair brushes in the cabin of the aircraft. It is always advisable to include soap and towels in your baggage, as even at hotels and rest-houses they are not always available. Anti-glare sun glasses and a coat hanger are useful articles.

To be fair, I do carry a toothbrush, toothpaste, and a comb in my small bag. I didn’t bother with a face cloth, seeing the Ryanair flight attendant wouldn’t give me any water to wet it with.

And I’m not wasting my 7 kilos of baggage weight on soap, towels, and coat hangers. Also, I suspect airlines are like Joan Crawford and don’t like wire hangers.

Everything needed during your journey should be packed in one bag: change of clothing, night clothes, clean linen and underclothes, etc.

Clean linen, like as in sheets and stuff? Maybe times have changed. I rarely stay in fancy hotels, but linen, soap, and towels are always provided.

Before you start your journey see that any fountain pens are not more than half filled. (At high altitudes they are liable to leak and damage your clothes.)

Noted.

Dangerous Materials

The carriage of inflammable or explosive materials in aircraft is prohibited, so you must see that you do not carry anything dangerous or obnoxious.

Well, I’m not travelling with an American politician or entrepreneur, so I think I’m safe.

Where smoking is allowed, you may carry a small supply of safety matches or a lighter.

What about a bong?

Fire-arms and ammunition are sometimes allowed.

What the actual fuck? Oh yeah, Ward Lock’s book was written pre-9/11.

If you have any difficulty in making reservations, you may be surprised to find that the aircraft takes off with empty seats.

I’ll be damned surprised. The only flights I ever saw empty seats on were one in 1991 and one in 2020.

This is because weight governs the number of seats filled in an aircraft.

So you’re saying I’ve more chance of finding empty seats if I fly with a bunch of fat people?

If making a trip south of the Equator, remember that seasons are reversed.

This is common sense for everyone in the world, except Americans.

In South America, for example, the winter is mild compared with Europe, and European summer clothes should be worn for the South American winter season, with a warm coat for early mornings and evenings.

I once went to Bolivia in June. It was 20 degrees Celsius below zero. To be fair, I was on the top of the Andes. But a warm coat wasn’t cutting it. Nor were the shorts and tee-shirts I wear in summer in Europe.

Travelling in the Tropics

When travelling in the tropics, avoid heavy meals during the heat of the day.

I’ll eat what I damn well like, thank you.

Do not eat uncooked foods, such as salads or soft fruits, which may be the cause of bowel diseases.

Bowel diseases? As in colonic cancer or a slight case of the runs? It’s important to know what we’re dealing with here.

Tinned food should only be obtained from reputable sources and should be consumed as soon as possible after being removed from the tin.

I mean, if you’re forking out for an international holiday in the tropics and all you’re eating is a tin of baked beans or spam, then I think you deserve all the consequences you get from consuming from an irreputable canned food company.

The abdomen should be well-protected against chilling, particularly at night. Do not sleep directly under a fan. The steward has a supply of medicines for the temporary relief of minor disorders.

Again, the steward does not have these supplies. Even if they did, they aren’t sharing with you.

And I’m not a doctor, even though I know Doctor Funny, but shouldn’t you protect your chest against chills? What’s a cold tummy ever done?

Clothing

In temperate climates, no special considerations regarding clothing are necessary, but tight-fitting garments and footwear should be avoided.

Yeah, no one wants to look like a floosy when they travel.

The steward or stewardess is there to look after your comfort during the flight.

Ward Lock has clearly never flown with budget airlines.

Ask him or her for whatever you need in the way of food or drink, books, magazines or crossword puzzles, playing cards, chewing gum, medicine, or information regarding them.

Imagine! The “information regarding” these items is that on the flight they’ll cost you 10 times their regular retail price.

And by “books,” did they mean Instagram?

The steward is not allowed to accept tips, so do not offer them.

I’m Australian. What’s the difference between a canoe and an Australian?

Canoes tip.

So this one won’t be an issue for me.

Smoking

Pipes or cigars are not permitted. Cigarettes may be smoked on most aircraft, though only in certain cabins of some.

Again, what about bongs? I guess if they’re not mentioned, they’re fine.

In flight, you will sit in a comfortable armchair.

Is that what Spirit is calling them?

Any discomfort that may be felt in the ears on “losing height” may be relieved by “swallowing” frequently, moving the jaw from side to side at the same time.

That’s what she said…

On Landing

On landing, passengers are asked to stop smoking and to re-fasten their seat belts. These should be kept fastened until the aircraft comes to rest.

But I can continue chugging beer, right?

On arrival at your destination, be sure to return all books and magazines for the benefit of other passengers.

Return all books and magazines? So in the 20s, there was, like, a library up there in the aircraft? Now you’re lucky to find the menu of overpriced shitty food items on offer.

Flying is the simplest and speediest method of world travel, but even so it is useful to know what is to be expected, and what you should — or should not — do.

Well, having read this article about etiquette and air travel, I think I’m pretty much delivering my side of the expectations, except for not packing a towel.

I do reckon I ought to send some of Ward Lock’s wisdom to modern airlines, though. They seem to have forgotten it’s their duty to supply drugs, a library, a hotel, a complimentary shuttle service, and cigarettes.