How to Get Someone to Do Something They Don’t Want to Do With Just 2 Questions

Welcome to the latest edition of my ongoing series of articles about trying to persuade my husband to pick up his dirty laundry. This might not sound like the most exciting topic to read about. But I promise you, at the heart of my ongoing battle with his smelly socks is a question with a serious impact on just about everyone’s life: how to get other people to do things they don’t want to do.

The long and short of it is that I’ve found a promising new persuasion technique that I am excited to try out on my messy better half. It’s also one I think could help just about anyone nudge others toward their preferred course of action.

This promising bit of psychological jujitsu comes straight from the mind of best-selling author Dan Pink. But before I get into it let me give you a little grounding in all the ways to change other people’s behavior that sound promising but don’t actually work.

Nagging is the worst persuasion technique

Whether you’re facing a minor marital disagreement like mine or an employee, client, or co-worker who just doesn’t seem willing to do something you think would be immensely beneficial, many people’s first instinct is to try some version of nagging.

You endlessly remind your child to do their homework. You send gentle reminders (followed by more strident reminders) to your team about that upcoming deadline. Or you use every communication channel under the sun to inform your customers about the new policy change.

Repeating your argument in the hopes that it will eventually stick sounds reasonable. But psychological research suggests even clever or polite nagging nearly always backfires.

As psychologist Scott Wetzler explained to *The Wall Street Journal*, “We have a perception that we won’t get what we want from the other person, so we feel we need to keep asking in order to get it.” Instead of persuading people, he says, repeated requests cause them to feel bullied and demeaned. Most people react by further digging in their heels.

A better way to get people to do things they don’t want to do

If you really want someone to change, what you want is to somehow convince them that the new behavior you’re after was actually their own idea. That way they don’t get mulish from resentment and are more invested in the new way of doing things.

Both BJ Fogg, director of the Persuasive Technology Lab at Stanford, and author Laura Vanderkam have suggested crafty tricks to accomplish just that. (Both of which I have tried on my husband with only minor success.) But this latest technique for getting people to do things they don’t want to do is both incredibly simple and incredibly promising.

It comes via a LinkedIn post from Pink that draws from motivational interviewing research. The technique consists of just two simple questions.

Ask two simple questions

Pink uses the classic example of a parent trying to convince their teenager to clean their room to illustrate the approach. Instead of storming around with a garbage bag threatening to throw out all their stuff like my father used to do (which actually worked pretty well but is not widely transferable), Pink recommends you start by asking a simple question:

“On a scale of one to 10, where one means I’m not ready at all and 10 means I’m ready to do it right now, how ready are you to clean your room?”

It’s highly likely, Pink claims, that the person will give a low number. But — and this is crucial — not zero. Rather than nagging or lecturing, you then hit them with the second question:

“Why didn’t you pick a lower number?”

Maybe at this point your teen will say something like, “Well, if I had my room cleaner, I’d be able to get to school on time faster and maybe see my friends a little bit more,” Pink suggests. This is persuasion gold. Because what you’ve just done is essentially trick the other person into articulating their own motivation for doing whatever you want them to do.

And that is what psychology tells us is necessary for real behavior change. “We don’t trust information that’s pushed at us nearly as much as we trust what comes out of our own mouth,” Pink explains. “You can hand someone 10 great reasons. One reason they generate themselves will outweigh all of them.”

Where could you use Pink’s simple persuasion trick?

Will this two-question trick to get people to do what they don’t want to do work in every situation? Of course not. If a person is deeply, fundamentally opposed to what you’re suggesting, it won’t work. They don’t have their own rationale for taking the action for you to help them unearth. You can’t nudge people to do things they really, really don’t want to do.

These questions also require a level of comfort and equality between the two people doing the talking. I highly doubt an intern would get a great reception if she tried this on the CEO, or a student who tried it on their professor. So some common sense about power dynamics and social vibes is required.

Thankfully for me, my husband doesn’t fall under either of those exceptions. (Deep down a smart guy like him must realize dirty underwear belongs in the hamper, right?) So I am going to give Pink’s two-sentence persuasion technique a try.

Maybe it will help you win over a wayward spouse, wavering potential client, or reluctant teammate. It might even work as a way to talk yourself into finally going to the gym or changing your diet like you’ve been meaning to.

This post originally appeared on Inc.com. Books and authors mentioned have affiliate links, meaning I receive a small commission if you click and go on to buy them.