FUN FACT: YOUR DESK HAS OUTLIVED THREE OWNERS

[Now Illegal] Writers Block — The Ultimate Cure

Lawyers hate her. Writers fear her. One writer was briefly underground.

Told you it was a killer deadline (upklyak/freepik)

Dear Margaret,

I’ve been working on my novel for seven years and I just can’t seem to find the time. I have a full-time job, two kids, and a very demanding dog. Any advice?

— Stuck in Seattle

Dear Stuck,

Just write.

— Margaret

Dear Margaret,

Thank you for your response, but I don’t think you understand. I literally do not have time. I wake up at 4am, commute, work, pick up the kids, make dinner, and walk the dog. By the time I sit down, it’s 10pm and I’m exhausted. When exactly am I supposed to write?

— Still Stuck in Seattle

Dear Still Stuck,

Write at 10pm.

— Margaret

Dear Margaret,

I tried writing at 10pm. I fell asleep at my desk after four sentences. I’m not sure if I’m really cut out for this.

— Frustrated in Seattle

Dear Frustrated,

Write five sentences.

— Margaret

Dear Margaret,

I think the problem is my environment. I can’t focus with all the noise in my house. I just screamed at the kids for being too loud, which didn’t even help. But now I feel like a failure as a writer and as a parent.

— Distracted in Seattle

Dear Distracted,

Write in the noise.

— Margaret

Dear Margaret,

That’s easy for you to say. You don’t have kids. My son literally walked in and started eating the only page of my manuscript. It’s impossible to get into a flow state like this.

— Interrupted in Seattle

Dear Interrupted,

Write, or I’ll zap you with a cattle prod.

— Margaret

Dear Margaret,

I’m sorry, what?

— Alarmed in Seattle

Dear Alarmed,

I have your address from your subscription details. I also have a cattle prod. You have until midnight tonight to write 200 words.

— Margaret

Dear Margaret,

I just wrote a full page. Please don’t zap me.

— Writing in Seattle

Dear Writing,

And the one after that.

— Margaret

Dear Margaret,

I’m up to three pages, but I’ve hit a wall. I’m not really sure where to go with this story. I’ll be spending the next few weeks researching instead of writing.

— Researching in Seattle

Dear Researching,

I’m outside your house.

— Margaret

Dear Margaret,

I called the police. They said there was no one outside. I don’t know if that’s better or worse.

— Sleep Deprived in Seattle

Dear Sleep Deprived,

Write the novel, or I’ll bury you alive with a flashlight and a notebook.

— Margaret

Dear Margaret,

That feels like an overreaction. I’m making progress on my novel, just not measurable progress.

— Still Doing The Work in Seattle

Dear Still,

Make sure to wear comfortable clothes this Saturday.

— Margaret

Dear Margaret,

Help! I don’t know what I did to offend you, but let me out!

— Panicking in Seattle

Dear Panicking,

Finish the novel. You still have three hours of oxygen.

— Margaret

Dear Margaret,

I finished it. I finished the novel. I wrote 60,000 words by flashlight in what I can only describe as a focused panic. I want you to know that I will be pressing charges.

— Furious in Seattle

Dear Furious,

Edit the novel.

— Margaret

Dear Margaret,

That’s all you have to say? Seven years of struggle, one near-death experience, and you can’t even say congratulations?

I haven’t slept. I’m covered in dirt. The flashlight gave out at the end and I finished the last chapter entirely by feel. I think I need some time to recover before I think about next steps.

— Recovering in Seattle

Dear Recovering,

I’m still outside your house.

— Margaret

Ask Margaret is currently on hold due to two ongoing investigations. In the meantime, her favorite toe-harvesting demon will be answering questions.

For a gentler approach, Koala Quill pays $1 for every day you write and charges for skipping. Margaret prefers the demon.

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