through the years

Twenty years of trying to understand this heart that never stops feeling.

blooming lilies from pinterest

I was 11 when I understood things in life. Maybe I was too young, but looking back, it came naturally, as I was able to understand the depth of things. It was as if with my young mind, I was looking through the different aspects, not just the facets. It shaped who I am now. And believe me when I tell you, the echoes and voices of that eleven-year-old dreamer still beat beneath my skin, carved into my flesh — the truest architect of who I am.

The following years were… I would say, suffocating. It was a never-ending cycle of questioning things. My childhood was full of shaping me into a woman whom people could spot nothing wrong with; I was shaped to live up to others’ expectations and perceptions–at least for me, it felt that way. Nevertheless, it was a childhood I would never trade for.

There came a time when everything felt confusing and tiring. I realized I had been constantly proving myself and was wary of others' perceptions. A moping feeling that has followed me for years, one I cannot seem to escape.

What they say that pretending will drain you out, is true. People might describe me as someone who is always poised, a mature kind of girl, and the quiet one, because I was taught to be one. But then, I am just a woman. Living in a society where one would often be labelled as something, I have longed for soaring and attaining greater things beyond what I am capable of.

Do I really have to go through all of that to become who I am today? A question I still cannot answer to this day. Sometimes I agree, sometimes I don’t. I just know I was made to live gently, because frankly, I would love it if people would describe how I light up the room, how my existence could bring so much comfort, and a lot more that describes my depth.

If my teenage years could speak, I am certain they would thank me for seeing and doing things with love. I have always done things with genuine intentions. But one must learn the hard way that love needs to be earned — not through wearing yourself out, but by building a foundation strong enough to weather time and mistakes, one that allows love to grow naturally, without fear or strain.

I have lived, I have learned, and I am still becoming.