No! To Self-Victimization

As I say goodbye to this year, I feel a mix of happiness and sadness. Last year, I set a goal to be, “a consistent and reliable man”. Towards the end of the year, I realized something was missing from it. So, I changed my goal to be “a consistent, reliable, and satisfied man.” As I look back, what got in my way of satisfaction and happiness in life was the human trait of self-victimization.

In my leadership and self-awareness journey, I have found the victimhood mentality to be one of the biggest and hardest roadblocks to overcome. It is not easy to be in control of our mental state as we are prone to be influenced by the events surrounding us. Our early life experiences (good and bad) have conditioned us to think and act in certain ways. The lack of self-awareness guarantees the perpetuity of one’s victimhood. We see the world through the lens of our past life experiences and end up living the rest of our lives with that perspective. The purpose of the past is to learn from it, not to live in it. To grow from it, not grow into it. To learn from it, not repeat it.

Perhaps, a person with an underdeveloped ego will end up putting others before him or her, or a person with an overdeveloped ego will be self-centered and selfish, and a person of mature ego will be able to choose when to give and when to take. Without knowing ourselves we end up reacting to life events. Being stuck in this reactive loop, we live our lives believing that life happens to us and not for us. We see life setbacks as evidence of the defective self. We don’t trust ourselves and others, and by default choose to remain the same. We cling to our false self and past stories as the truth. We willfully defend who we are instead of who we can become!

Dictionary definition of victim is “someone or something that has been hurt, damaged, or killed or has suffered, either because of the actions of someone or something else, or because of illness or chance:” VICTIM | definition in the Cambridge English Dictionary Victimhood is defined as “The condition of having been hurt, damaged, or made to suffer, especially when you want people to feel sorry for you because of this or use it as an excuse for something “ VICTIMHOOD | definition in the Cambridge English Dictionary

I want us to look at the ways we self-sabotage ourselves through victimhood mentality. Typically, victims are those to whom something was done without their choosing. But who to blame when we do it to ourselves? This is a critical question that requires stepping back and deep introspection. I have noticed my victimhood arising when I feel overwhelmed and everything around me seems to be falling apart when I want to blame others for the lack of happiness, satisfaction, and progress in life. When that happens, I believe that circumstances have power over me, and I end up outsourcing my “personal power.”

In reality, victimhood mentality inflicts us all, some more than others. Life goes in cycles of ease and hardship, joy and sorrow, failure and triumph. There are days when we grab life by the horns and other days, we resign to its mercy. No one is immune to adversities of life and a good way to cope is to reach out for help. Sadly, a victim sees help as a sign of weakness leading to the self-fulfilling prophecy that “I am alone and on my own.”

There is no way to get rid of victimhood mentality for once and all, but I would like to share some of my learnings to mitigate its effects.

Step 1: Awareness. Develop the habit of introspection. Get attuned to your emotions (fear, hurt, anger, sadness, joy). Review you day before you go to sleep every night.

Step 2: Pause. Learn to disengage from the difficult situations where you get hijacked by moving away or sitting down and taking deep breaths. This will help bring focus to self.

Step 3: Analyze. Observe your chain of thoughts. Ground yourself with data. Catch your defensiveness. Ask yourself, what am I defending here?

Step 4: Choose: Understand the rules, myths, and beliefs you operate from. Challenge them and build new ones that serve you.

Step 5: Ask for help: Reach out to more knowledgeable others. Share with the people you trust and look up to in your life. Live with a growth mindset and not fixed mindset. Carol Dweck: A Summary of The Two Mindsets

Let’s start this new year with a goal to be more aware of our victimhood mentality. Use these last few weeks of the year to reflect back and welcome the next year with more intentionality.

Feel free to reach out to me for any questions. I am here to help like so many other surrounding you.