My first thought when I woke up today was, God my life is so f@%#ing repetitive.

A morning realization before my prefrontal cortex could catch up. I was just as surprised as anyone. This thought was let out into the world, and I have to reconcile with it. What does it mean? How bad is it? Is it even bad?

Photo by stefan moertl on Unsplash

Unnerving.

I live my whole life working, reading, gaming, and sharing time with friends. Though in between those activities, something slipped out before I could catch it. A thought unpolished and uncensored to myself. I argue then that this must be the truth. Not only was this a thought, but they were also words I said out loud to myself moments after consciousness. It hit hardest because I heard myself say and feel it at the same moment.

Impact.

I felt blunt force trauma to my torso. What do I do with this information? Surely this is the moment of clear revelation in which I get my life straight and start living for myself. No, I continue waking up wounded by my own words and get ready to go to work that day. The bathroom light felt too bright. Clothes felt heavier when getting dressed. Everything was sluggish like I had thrown sand and sludge in my own gears. I carried this feeling with me most of the day. Apparently, it affected me enough to want to write about it.

Recalibration.

For days, I examined my experience. Thought about what I could learn about it and what I may already know to help myself through it. Then steps in my mentors, the Stoics. Ancient wisdom on purpose and focusing on controllable aspects of life rings true here.

“When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive — to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love.” — Marcus Aurelius.

“Let all your efforts be directed to something; let it keep that end in view. It’s not activity that disturbs people, but false conceptions of things that drive them mad.” — Seneca.

“Getting distracted by trifles is the easiest thing in the world… Focus on your main duty.” — Epictetus.

‍That morning, I focused on only the daily grind. The cyclical churning of sunrise and sunset, and my task in between. Realizing the gift of life itself is a blessing. I woke up with a dreary thought, but I woke up. This alone makes me the winner of the day’s lottery. Many around the world won’t get to play another round. I adopted the mantra that today is a blessing.

I was shorting myself with that waking thought. I let go of the long view of my life. I pushed aside my why. Without a why, anything can be seen as pointless. I work every day to provide for my family. I live every moment to be present in my friends’ lives. I want to be part of my community, enriching my life through the relationships I create.

These plans I have, this path I am on, I must not waver in my daily tasks. Shiny objects and dishonest people can lead you off your charted course. Not to get too nautical, you must be the Captain of your vessel.

The way forward.

After this experience, I resumed a routine I had gotten out of. I had slacked off on my philosophy lessons. My journal pages have fallen behind in the months. Since doing these daily activities, including a helpful podcast, my feet feel lighter. Philosophy is always there, ready and waiting like a stream to quench the damaging fire that burns inside.

Take my words, and may you have a good life.

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