SPORTS HUMOR

Interim Red Sox Manager’s New Offensive Scheme That Could Change Baseball Forever

Critics argue its unsustainable. Supporters argue it mostly consists of hitting the ball in areas of the field not occupied by defenders

Fenway Park — Photo by Lauren Thimmesch on Unsplash (2020)

Following a tough series at home against the Toronto Blue Jays, interim Red Sox manager, Chad Tracy, took the podium to address the media and Red Sox Nation directly.

Before any reporters could even speak, Tracy kicked off the presser by saying, “Well, first and foremost, I’d like to remind everyone that we are 21–28 since I took over. That’s right, only seven games under .500 — not bad! Not my fault I was handed the keys to a team that started the year 2–8.”

No one in the room jotted that down.

Instead, senior Red Sox beat writer Peter Abraham abruptly stood up and exclaimed, “What is your plan to turn this ball club around? We are sick and tired of the same old, same old run-of-the-mill mediocre product being run out there day after day after day!”

Tracy, clearly bothered by his comments, responded, “First of all — mean. Not sure why you would say that. But to get at the heart of your question — I — I — I — uhh — I mean, we most certainly have a plan to turn this team around. This organization is blessed with a combination of some of the greatest baseball minds in the game, backed by the nerdiest analytical team money can buy. No, really. If you could see these kids, you’d want to shove them into lockers and make them eat clay.”

“Fantastic movie references aside, can you please answer the question?” retorted Peter.

“Absolutely, we are rolling out several internal initiatives that we — uh, as an organization, are confident will improve results without having to spend at the deadline,” stammered Tracy.

“And what might those be?” questioned Alex Speier, with quite possibly the easiest layup of a follow-up question ever asked.

“I’m so glad you asked!” beamed Tracy. “First, starting today, our hitting staff will begin working with the offense to dial in the ‘Hit the Ball Where Fielders Aren’t’ initiative. For decades, hitters have been content just making contact with pitches that have only become filthier and harder to hit. What we are asking our guys to do is explore other areas of the field. It’s a radical shift in thinking at the plate.

“Wait, so you think the team is currently trying to hit it directly at defenders?” asked Speier.

“Our analytics department has already developed advanced metrics such as ‘Expected Defender Avoidance Rate (xDAR)’ and ‘Whoops Directly At That Asshole’ (wDATA) to see if the offense can get things turned around,” answered a seemingly confused and annoyed Tracy.

“Not sure what you guys aren’t getting about this,” laughed Tracy. “It’s pretty simple. After we lock in the ‘Hit the Ball Where Fielders Aren’t’ initiative, we can naturally move on to the ‘Don’t Make Outs System’ initiative.”

“What the fuck did he just say?” asked senior Boston Red Sox beat reporter Jason Mastrodonato.

“Historically, every offense in Major League Baseball has ended innings by recording three outs. We want to challenge this assumption. What if, instead of making outs, we just reached base? My analytics department has told me all of our offensive metrics look much, much better when we are able to make fewer outs,” continued Tracy emphatically.

“I mean, I guess he isn’t technically wrong,” stammered Mastrodonato.

“Alright, alright, so let’s say these initiatives work and this team can turn it around after the All-Star break. Does your ‘analytics department’ think this strategy is maintainable in the long run?” asked Michael Silverman.

“Well, for starters, I’m not sure why you did the air-quote thing with your hands right when you said ‘analytics department’; they are real, and they are nerds. I can confirm that. But to answer your question, yes, we think it’s sustainable, but only once we are able to put our third and final initiative into place following this season,” said Tracy, almost trailing off at the end.

“Jesus Christ. What?” asked Speier through almost gritted teeth.

“Oh — uh — haha, the final initiative is — mmhmm. The final initiative is the ‘Nine Good Players’ initiative,” said Tracy while making as little eye contact with anyone in the room as humanly possible.

“Alright, I’ll bite. What the fuck are you talking about?” asked Jared Carrabis.

“Oh. You know. We are hoping to deploy up to nine players, simultaneously, that are capable of producing positive value to the ball club next season. Again, our research indicates that winning on Tuesday is just as valuable as winning on Friday and Saturday. So, we are going to look for that consistent, quality play across multiple, consecutive games next year,” stated Tracy.

The room erupted into thunderous applause.

“This guy is a goddamn genius — let’s lock him up for the next ten years immediately!” exclaimed Carrabis.

Buster Olney could be heard reading his story out loud in the back of the conference room: “Researchers found that when hitters reached base ahead of the middle of the lineup, subsequent hits result in more scoring. More scoring means more wins. More wins, better.”

League officials are currently scrambling to understand these initiatives and determine if certain precautions and guardrails will need to be set in place to prevent the sport from being solved.